I am the H of a WAW. This isn’t the first time there has been an OM. Actually she has cheated on me since before we were married. This time, she is with her boyfriend from high school. I want to add that I haven’t been entirely faithful to her. I don’t have any excuses for that and I wasn’t planning on getting into it just yet.
I snooped and spied on her a lot. Almost constantly since we were married. I didn’t trust her. Two or three years ago, she started messaging her BF from high school on Facebook. I tried to intervene and I thought I was being successful. About 3 months ago, she started talking to a guy in the UK. I found out they were sexting and sending each other audio files, nude pictures, and I think actually video chatting. At that time, I decided I was done and just started to withdraw completely and turn off as much emotion as I could. It was too much.
About 5 or 6 weeks ago, we talked. We agreed that it was time for a divorce. She said all the things that I have been reading about a WAW from Sandi and in DR. My emotions were turned off – I didn’t care anymore. I ended up writing her a 10 page letter. I knew going into it I would start to release some emotion. I didn’t know just how far that emotion would take me in the letter. Releasing all that hurt and anger made other emotions come out too. I’m sure you can imagine what I was going through.
I think, because of that, I came to my senses. I realized that my kids are the most important thing to me and having them grow up in a stable home was a priority. I also remembered how I feel about divorce. I wanted to work things out. I told her I didn’t want a divorce. She said she was done and didn’t want to try anymore.
Currently, she is sleeping on the couch (by her choice). She does not have a job but intends to try to get a job at our girls’ school. She wants to get an apartment. I would have the kids. Logistically, it is going to be very difficult if not impossible.
I picked up DR and a few other books. I’ve read through DR once. There were a few parts I skipped because they didn’t apply. I’ve started going through it a second time. I’ve been reading on the forums for a while. With her on the couch, I can’t get on the forum except on my cell phone, so my posts from now on may be short.
This week I’m on a business trip. I don’t call her. I have been in response only mode to texts except for one that was necessary. I read through Sandi’s rules a few times. I’m trying to get with the program, but I’m not there yet and it is HARD.
Honestly, I’m hopeful that I can turn things around. But I keep questioning if I really want to. I don’t want to go through more of the same. It’s too hurtful. I NEED things to be different if there is a chance.
There’s a lot more, but this is already really really long, so I will cut it off.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to the family, John. Your post is not long, at all. Try to send as many as you can.
Were the two of you ever in MC or IC after the affairs? Is she aware of you cheating, and that you know about hers?
Have there been other serious issues in the MR?
Ate you wanting to save the M for the sake of the kids, or do you really love her? It must be terrible not to have the trust each of you need in this relationship.
You will find great support here, if you'll stick with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We went through MC and a marriage group through our church. This was 6 to 8 years ago. Money was probably the reason we stopped going. Did it help? Maybe a little. But I don't think we really applied ourselves.
She knows everything I did.
She put a post on Facebook announcing our impending divorce and has updated her relationship status to "in a relationship" with OM. So, everyone knows.
Other issues... I have a problem with porn. Most of the time I can avoid it, but going through times like this, I don't try to avoid it. And, yes, I feel guilty about it.
She is a self-injurer and drinks (in secret) when things are rough. When I say drinks, I don't mean she gets totally drunk.
As for what I really want, honestly, I'm 50/50. I do love her, but I'm afraid that this will never stop. My choices are give up or fight. But if I give up, I won't have the option to fight. If I fight, and it doesn't work out, I still end up divorced. So, I need to try.
Today I found that she filled out the divorce forms online and downloaded them onto our computer. They were only partially complete because she doesn't have any of the financial information. This really [censored]. I'm going to finish putting together separation papers. At least this way I can have more control over the money portion rather than having a judge decide. It will also give me more time before a divorce.
We had agreed that I would keep the house and the kids would stay with me. She wants to get an apartment and a job. I don't know how it would work out, but I'm hoping that the separation and stress will snap her out of the fog. I think it is going to be a while before she would be able to move out though. I know she is being influenced by the OM and some other friends of hers that are divorced.
Next week our church is starting a series on marriage. I really hope we get there. We didn't make it last weekend. Mainly because it was so so hot.
She left the "D Start Kit" papers for me to look at. We talked and she told me the OM just got a really good job and he was planning on getting an apartment and she would move in with him. I talked about how a separation would be better because of her health, car, and life insurance would continue and how it would income taxes. I said the only benefit of getting a D over a separation was that she could get married again. I asked if that was her intention. She said her and the OM were getting "closer." I believe (and I might be a bit paranoid) he has already asked her to marry him and they want to do it as soon as possible. Fools rush in.
We talked about debt and the house and all the financial impacts. She said she still cares for me and doesn't want to railroad me and wants to be fair and even said she wanted to help pay off the debt when she gets a job.
Yesterday, she went back to courthouse because they have people that will help fill out the paperwork and answer questions. When I got home she was excited and said she had "really good" news. Kids were around so we didn't discuss it then. I believe it had to do with the Head of Household filing status and all that. We never had a chance to talk.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ok, second post. The previous one was more on current status of the D, this one is on the process.
When I read through DR the first time, I did most of the homework. I did skip some parts because they did not really apply -- my MR was/is not in that sitch. The goals I wrote down were not achievable and when I got to the Infidelity chapter, I felt they were moot anyway. I do need to get back into the book. I'm still on reading it the second time. I'm on Step 1.
I pray, as often as I think to, that I want a miracle in my marriage. But, I do know that if things were to all of sudden turn around, I would not be much different. I still have a ton of work to do on myself and I would bungle it up. I need more time. Of course, I'm also worried about not having enough time before a D makes it all permanent.
One thing I have improved on is the snooping, spying, etc. behavior. I still have the "need" to try to figure out where she's been, what she's been doing, who she's talking to, what she's been doing on the computer, what's going on with the OM, etc. etc. The need hasn't been as strong, and I have been able to not act on the feelings about 95% of the time. When I do snoop, I justify the actions in my head, like finding out she downloaded the forms. I went into the computer browser history and found it. There's no other reason to look at the history unless I'm snooping.
I've been reading the newbie topics in the links above. I want to print out the meat sections and re-read them... often. Unless I'm using my work computer, I have to use my phone on the forums, so spending a lot of time reading and writing long posts like this will be infrequent.
So, onto a question:
Facebook: To unfriend or not.
- I blocked the OM, so I wouldn't see all the memes of how God brought them together or how special she is, etc. etc. It just makes me jealous and puts me in a bad mood. There have been times when I want to put in a nasty, biting, accusatory comment, but I just keep it to myself -- I know it will only hurt, not help. I also have to laugh sometimes because she is the only one to "Like" some of his posts. But, I also think I should have been doing that.
- I unfollowed her so her stuff does not show up in my feed. That way, if she asks if I saw something I can say no. (Detachment)
So, do I unfriend and detach even more? Is it detaching too far? Will she try to tag me in a picture or something that makes the OM jealous? (That would be a good thing). WHEN we reconcile, there would be a new friend item on my timeline. So far, only a few people where I work know what is going on, and no one in my family knows.
Today W asked for the financial information. I already had it all put together since I was already working on a separation agreement. I mentioned that, but she didn't bite. She seems to be really set on getting a divorce. When we were talking, I said "you know this is not what I want." She said "I know." Yes, I know, this is pursuit. Laptop battery almost dead...
