Tkd - Nobody is saying you shouldn't have fixed the car. The point isn't about the decision you made. It's about the mindset. And trying to explain how your actions are received by your W.
You said "she couldn't" fix the car. All I'm saying is that she could have - of course not by herself, but she could have gotten it fixed. Whether that's prudent due to timing, finances, whatever, I'm not judging.
I understand TDK's predicament here and I also understand Azzorks and Sandis. The problem is TDK has no choice but to play the game. Because he is still part of the family and connected to his wife at least through his kids he is basically by default a part of the game. If he fixes the car whether to appease his wife or provide transportation for his kids does not really matter. If he doesn't do it his wife and kids think hes a bad guy. If he does do it he looks like a doormat, his wife doesn't respect him and doesn't miss the stuff he used to do. I get it I see both sides but do you both see how he cannot win a game he has no choice but to play? Another example for me: We have a nice big trampoline at our old house that was 15' x 18', huge. A 2 or 3 person job to move it. Could not fit in a full size pick up for sure, you have to take it apart which is an 8 hour job. I asked W if we should sell it or move it. At first she said sell it then changed her mind and didn't tell me, I almost sold it and checked with her at the last minute. Of course she freaked out and said she had arranged to move it to her new rental house, again without telling me. The person that she arranged to move it is a good mutual friend but very unreliable. When I found out I left him texts and messages to help him. He forgot about it completely and I ended up having to do it by myself. The entire time W and kids were in Europe. Here is the situation: if I sold it, I lose in her eyes and the kids I'm a bad guy. If I left it alone and it never got moved I'm a bad guy and would have to pay the landlord to move it, I lose. If I left it for friend to move, I'm lazy and careless, I lose. If I move it myself I'm a martyr, suck up, panderer, again, I lose. SO what could I have don't different? By the way, wife will not even mention it and she will probably tell the kids not to as well. What could I have done in this situation? Best as I see it, make sure it gets done, do it myself, for my family and keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day I am there for my kids.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
It's only a predicament if you're worrid how you come across to your wife.
These are GROWN. WOMEN. They can take care of themselves and don't NEED you to clean their messes. You sell the trampoline because she doesn't communicate with you and you feel like that makes YOU the one at fault? Nope.
I don't really care what my wife thinks of the trampoline situation. In fact, if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't have lifted a finger or even really thought about it. I only care about what my kids think and that their trampoline wasn't sold but was rather set up and ready for them when they got back. She can think whatever she wants. I don't really care. Its not like she is going to get her fat butt on the thing and jump around.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
if I sold it, in the eyes of my W and the kids I'm a bad guy. If I left it alone and it never got moved I'm a bad guy and would have to pay the landlord to move it, I lose. If I left it for friend to move, I'm lazy and careless, I lose. If I move it myself I'm a martyr, suck up, panderer, again, I lose. SO what could I have don't different? By the way, wife will not even mention it and she will probably tell the kids not to as well. What could I have done in this situation? Best as I see it, make sure it gets done, do it myself, for my family and keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day I am there for my kids.
This is tkd's thread, so I hate to hijack it. But this doesn't sound like someone that doesn't care what his W thinks.
I care what my kids think and about doing the right thing for my family. I care less, much less, what my wife thinks. Since we are all connected by default we are all part of the game like it or not, we are playing whether we like it, admit it or not. That is my point and I think what TDK's point is as well.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I care what my kids think and about doing the right thing for my family. I care less, much less, what my wife thinks. Since we are all connected by default we are all part of the game like it or not, we are playing whether we like it, admit it or not. That is my point and I think what TDK's point is as well.
Yes. I think it's clear that you are both still playing the game. Hence, my advice to stop playing and start focusing on you.
