Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[Vanilla]

dwh

what is best for the kids in this?

You are keeping a log aren't you?


V

[dwh15]

dwh

what is best for the kids in this?

You are keeping a log aren't you?


V

Yes, daily log of time spent by each of us with kids. It's about 90-95% me at this point. So after that last post, I actually found out from S18 that WW called and spoke with an attorney for 10 minutes this afternoon AFTER we sent all those TMs about custody. Here I was feeling a little bad for her, like she actually missed the kids and wanted to spend more time with them. Now I feel the whole thing was a setup to try and get me to agree to sign something. I feel so betrayed. Needless to say, I won't be signing a thing before my own attorney reviews and approves. I feel like I can't trust a word WW says anymore. I know that's par for the course for a wayward - believe none of what they say. But it hurts to realize how badly my own W has turned on the man she committed to love and cherish.

So I may sit down and discuss custody with her but I'm not signing a thing and I don't plan on giving her any more money either. I had started to feel bad about the kids and was going to try and help with meals. Now I think she would probably just use it to hire her own attorney and quickly file. I want to be fair and would love for the kids to actually spend more time with mom, but it's reached a point I don't dare trust her with anything. As time goes on, I'm actually starting to not like my own W, let alone love her. Detaching is becoming much easier with these revelations but I am starting to seriously doubt I will ever want to reconcile once we get a few more months into this process.

[Vanilla]

Your instincts are good I think at this point. If she needs food for the kids send a parcel of goodies instead of cash. Or a charged gift card for groceries.

Your log is important, back it up with text copies and other things like emails. Including to third parties

For instance to MIL: have you seen WW she was due to collect the kids

To WW: Are you OK, we missed you yesterday, I will do breakfast, take kids etc.......

You can copy your L FYI you know

Then go for a variation on fins. You will need more than just a couple of weeks, you may need a pattern.

V

[dwh15]

Then go for a variation on fins. You will need more than just a couple of weeks, you may need a pattern.
V

If you are talking about the log history, I've got a solid 2 months right now, plus another 3-4 weeks spread out intermittently. Unfortunately, I was not very diligent at the beginning but have been solid as a rock since early July. Even if she were to file tomor, it would be another 3-4 weeks before we met with the court to decide temp custody, meaning I would have nearly 3 months of history showing WW only spending a few hours/week with 2 of the kids, and almost none with the others. Now, she always CLAIMS she wants more time and tries to blame me in every way possible for why she doesn't see them more but the reality is she simply chooses not to make it a priority in her life. I have certainly not stood in the way of any of the boys spending more time with mom.

I'm going to drop the subject of discussing custody for now and see if she brings it up again. In the mean time, I just keep logging every day. I've got quite a TM history between me and several family members as well, should it come to that, which would show the same sort of thoughts as what I post on this board. My attorney says the logs should be enough, and that they will also question not only me and WW, but each of the kids as well to determine reality. I have strongly encouraged each of my boys to do nothing but tell the truth about time with each of us. It's sad, but I just want what's best for them, and I think that right now, that means majority of their time with me. I hope for that to not always be the case, but until WW comes out of her fog and starts prioritizing kids over OM and her own needs, that is how I am going to proceed.

[dwh15]

Had a meeting with the school this morning regarding S10. As mentioned, he's on the autistic spectrum and we're still trying to figure out exactly where he is going to attend and any special accommodations that the school will provide. WW attended as well, and sat at the other end of the table, about as far away from me as possible. Meeting went fine, we both contributed, and then walked out to the parking lot together.

Talked for a few minutes and she reassured me that she was in this with me, and didn't want me to feel like a single parent. Discussed needing to modify the parenting schedule, as she wants to start keeping the kids overnight on a more regular basis, which I am fine with. Told her we need to take the choice away from them and just state that is how it's going to be. Still not sure that's what she really wants, but I need to let her see for herself. My big concern is she keeps trying to bring OM into the picture and saying that he may need to babysit on days where the kids stay the night and she has to work the next day. I am VERY uncomfortable with the idea but not sure I have much choice. I've already ran a criminal background check on him and found nothing.

So we agreed to think about schedules and meet soon to discuss and finalize a plan. She did comment again on my weight loss and how good I looked. I was dressed up for the meeting in business casual and even had cologne. Always look your best, right? It was funny that the school principal walked up on us as we were talking and made a comment about how great I looked. He hadn't seen me in a few months. He kept going on about it, and then at the last minute looked at my wife and said, oh you look good too. LOL. That seems to be happening a lot lately. I had an old friend yesterday who I hadn't seen in a while say I looked 10 years younger.

So I think I came across as calm, overall upbeat, and with an attitude of cooperation. WW seemed to me like she was still processing some regret, or guilt, or something. She seemed almost a little stressed, and I have no idea why. But I feel good about our talk, and after we went our separate ways, I'm not even moping about it. I really am detaching and reaching a point where I'm not sure if I would want her back or not. In some ways, I'm glad I don't have to live with the decisions that she has made. I wasn't given a choice but am trying to make the best of what landed in my lap. WW will always have to deal with some level of regret, and uncertainty about whether she made the right call.

Oh, the one mistake I made was at the end of our talk, she reached over and gave me a hug, and out of instinct, I said Love You. It wasn't planned, but just sort of slipped out before I even realized it. She said it back, but I was kicking myself. Gotta be better prepared for those interactions.

[Vanilla]

You got this, 100% nailed.

You can love your W as the mother of your children. That's fine isn't it and leads to good co parenting.

V

[dwh15]

You got this, 100% nailed.

You can love your W as the mother of your children. That's fine isn't it and leads to good co parenting.

V

Thanks V. I appreciate the positive spin on it, and you are right. I can and do love her as the mother of my children, in addition to as my W. When I said it, was just a quick "love you", like you say to say your mom as you're leaving. Not gushy or anything, and it was almost like a gut reaction from years together. She returned it the same way after a second's hesitation. Think it caught her off guard, as I hadn't said it in several weeks.

One positive thing is that I think I did comfort her a little bit as far as thinking we're in some sort of competition to see who the kids like better. No idea why she has been feeling that way, but after talking, I think she was a little more calm on that front at least. I pretty much went along with every suggestion she had about shared custody, because they were all perfectly reasonable. Guess it's hard to argue with someone when they just agree.

[dwh15]

Been having a bit of a hard time again today. I think that seeing and talking with WW for a few minutes set me back. It was the most time we had spent together in 3 or 4 weeks. The convo went well, with some discussion about kids and custody arrangements, with an agreement to meet soon to switch up the schedule. She did make one comment regarding S15 and S10 and how they never come over and she would like to see them, but didn't feel comfortable coming here because I was always so "cold" to her. Now, I don't feel I am cold, but probably do act distant and uninterested. I suggested that she was free to set up a time to come visit whenever she wanted and I would be happy to leave the house for 2-3 hours. I thought she would be happy, but instead she sort of frowned, like it wasn't the answer she wanted. I'm mind reading, but I feel like she still wants us to be best friends, and was hoping I would maybe suggest we all hang out as a family. She seemed very happy with that arrangement back when we were trying to make it work, and before I woke up to the cake eating.

Anyway, haven't heard from WW today at all, but she will be picking up S15 today to take him out for a bday dinner, so he's now S16! I've been kind of feeling sad and lonely, but keeping busy, which helps. I was with some friends last night, who used to also be friends with WW, and we took a group photo, which they posted on FB, along with a comment about having a good time. I'm sure WW saw it and probably got upset, since she can't stand them anymore, but I don't care. Part of me was happy knowing she was likely to get upset. I don't feel any need to monitor my relationships based on who she does or doesn't approve.

[dwh15]

So WW took S16 out to dinner and now the rest of the group is at her place having cake & ice cream. Just me home alone for next couple hours. I hate that this is how it's going to be on special events now. The kids either being with me, or with mom. Not a complete family. I'm not looking forward to the holidays this year at all. How do people get through that first Thanksgiving and Christmas living like this? I'm sure we'll work out a schedule but I dread the thought of possibly being w/o my kids on Christmas day.

Had a close call earlier, and almost lost it with WW via TM. I offered to throw my bday gift for S16 in with hers, and just say the whole things was from Mom & Dad. She agreed, thought it was a good idea, but then at the last minute threw in the fact that OM had contributed $20 and she wanted his name on the bday card too. I initially agreed for THIS time only, and replied I didn't want that to be the expectation every time we gave the kids gifts. No reply from WW. Then I started thinking about it and getting angry. Was about ready to send another TM saying forget the whole thing, I would buy my gifts, and she could buy hers with OM, but as I picked up my phone, saw she had replied Don't worry, he's more of a 1-gift kind of guy. I had specifically mentioned Xmas earlier so I'm sure that's what she was talking about. So instead, I just said OK. I want to be fair and not have the kids always thinking it's a competition between us, but I don't wanna see the 3 of us on the same card very often.

So crisis averted i suppose. It took some effort to bite my tongue about having OM on the bday card today, but I wanted it to be a happy occasion for S16 and WW, so starting up an argument right in the middle of their dinner would not have been a positive or mature thing to do. I like to think I was being the bigger person, but it was a stretch. I hope she doesn't keep pushing that agenda of putting OM on equal ground with the 2 actual parents, or I will have a major issue.

[dwh15]

Had my first training as a bartender this afternoon. Will be helping out with volunteering at the local clubhouse for that charity. It was dead slow but got to hang out with an old friend, and met a new one. Think I'm going to really enjoy it and will be a great way to meet people. My WW spent over a year bartending there and loved it. Wish i would have been more involved at the time, as I'm starting to see the appeal.

Heading out soon to go to cousin's wedding and will be there most of the night. Taking S18 and S8, others don't wanna go. Feel like I'm doing pretty good on GAL lately, and it definitely helps keep my mind off things when I stay busy and social. S18 told me today WW got her "biker" vest for being the girlfriend of one of the club members. Guess she was really excited. Woo hoo. What an accomplishment - she's having an A with a guy who belongs to a biker club. Ugh. I shouldn't even care but just bugs me.