Still DB'ing - Still Learning from WAW (6)

[PigPen]

Last thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2594812#Post2594812

Not even sure what to put in here a summary at this point, though my journey continues.

My take at the moment is this:

BD was not a gift although there have been innumerable gifts within it. The lessons keep coming, each wrapped with it's own unique flavor of pain. DB'ing has very little to do with my M and everything to do with how I exist internally and relate to people.

It's the craziest adventure I've ever been on and wouldn't trade it for the world. Although part of me would trade it all to have my W back. But then I wouldn't. That should make sense to anyone that's been at this longer than a few months.

My W has asked for a D and has told me that she will be contacting a lawyer this week. She's also opened up more than at any time in the last 8 months allowing me to see my dog and have access to her house.

Time is my friend. My excruciating friend.

My life has changed so many times and ways since BD that I'm not even sure who I am any more. However, I like this version so much more than the man I was in my M. We're going to be pals.

The only constant seems to be change so I'm still taking things day by day, trying to learn as much as possible, breathe as much as possible, and stay open to the limitless possibilities that exist. Learning seems to be key.

Without this board I would be completely lost so if you're reading this, you have my sincere thanks. Especially Wonka.

If any of you are struggling with addiction and or substance use, please post about it here and I'll do my best to help you.

Let the journey continue wherever it may take all of us.

PP

[CaliGuy]

PP Taking this from tkds thread ...

First step for me in this area was ... I took a weekend to myself, signed up for a motorcycle class. Met early, we did the written and riding portions that weekend. I went to DMV and got my Motorcycle licensee ... something I always wanted to do but allowed people to tell me no. This was for ME. Was seriously out of character ... doing something solely for yourself when you have made everyone else a priority is a very uncomfortable thing.
Later on ... I bought a Harley ... my Birthday present to myself. I will never forget it, once I signed the papers all the sales people and employees cranked up a Harley, rev'd em, honked horns, customers all clapped and applauded as I was welcomed into the family ... I had tears ... was up there for me because I finally broke free and was my own man ... first time in my life at 42 years old.

I am not saying go out and buy a bike, .... but I am saying you need to make some goals and list how you will get there. Remember .. these are about YOU ... things in your control. I had about 4 key areas I worked on .. little by little ... took a solid year but I really made some serious changes and improvements and continue to do so. The big picture of this is .. .your W needs to respect you but its impossible when you have lost that respect for yourself, that self esteem, mojo, all that you have slowly lost over the years ...doing what you just admitted "I let their actions dictate mine. I have spent much of my life trying to keep everyone around me happy at the expense of my mental health."

Get that Goal list going .. post it here so we can help you stay at it.

So many great points in there Cali. I'm just starting to see why this process of change is so long and how deep we have to go to make things stick. You're right, a year is just the beginning. We're not changing habits and behavioral patterns, but changing ourselves to the core.

That takes a lot of deep introspection, and then a some serious practice.

Thanks for writing all of that.

PP

I think you are starting to see it from the sounds of it.

In hindsight I do think for an LBH its a slow process of having things stripped away, sacrifices we make for our W, for our M and our families that in time remove who we are little by little. I do think this plays into it more than one would think, and getting ourselves back is a very long slow process but a very necessary one. Its a myth to think we can be that same old person W fell for .... I do think we can bring enough of 'that guy' and pair him with the new and improved guy and figure out just who we are and what we want .... this has nothing to do with our WAS. If they see the changes great, still .. we still have to become dependent and secure enough to think about what it is WE want out of all this.

For me .. at this point .. I feel like I was handed a new life, a better life .... one I am not going to just give up, I appreciate this new gift, and I strive to continue to make improvements everyday.

[PigPen]

Thanks Cali. I really do appreciate your replies on here, they're always spot on and chalked full of wisdom.

Writing my post this morning was a different experience. It's the sixth start of a new thread and the one that has the least about my W and our situation. I almost didn't mention it but felt like that was the point of being here so I should put something.

What I really thought about writing was, "Who knows what my WAW is going to do so I'm not going to mention it, but here's all the cool stuff that I'm learning and doing!"

That's definitely a shift.

Yesterday I had a business appraiser value the business I'm selling to my partner and it was a number that I was pleased with. Nothing to retire on, but it honestly made me sit down and think "Do you want to take all of next year off and travel? Was there a time in your life when you haven't wanted to do that but didn't because 'it just wasn't the right time'? What would be the worst thing that could come of a year completely removed from your life? What could be some of the best things?"

It was equally exhilarating and terrifying. I started listing teachers, countries and experiences that could be included. Of course I got upset for a second about the fact it would be that much more amazing if my W could come with, but then put her out of my mind. She could come with me, she's choosing not to be a part of my amazing adventure at the moment though. Doesn't mean I can't do it.

And yes, I'm still walking around in a cloud of mind blown-ness over yesterday's revelation - people live in their own realities, there is absolutely no reason to try to convince them of mine. This is especially true of spouses. Kerpow!!!

PP

[PigPen]

Want to see if anyone thinks this could be a bad idea. I just reached out to my ex GF. We've been broken up for over 7 years, were together for 5, and have seen each other at random places a few times since then and have been happy to see each other and fill each other in on family etc. We both live in the same town.

I have no feelings for her. She has no feelings for me. She's happily married with two little kids and has been with her husband since about six months after breaking up with me. As far as I can tell she loves her life. We had a lot of fun together but both realized that we didn't want to marry each other. All break ups have pain so we didn't speak for about two years, but there were no hard feelings.

She's agreed to have lunch with me, one to catch up on life, and two, because I've asked her to share what it was like to be in a relationship with me. What was hard, what were the easy parts. What advice would she give me as an ex?

My thought is that she's well far enough removed to be completely honest, and I could get some insight into what else to keep working on.

Bad idea? Not something to add into the mix with DB'ing?

Or go for it, STFU and listen with an open mind?

PP

[CaliGuy]

Interesting

I do admire the internal work approach you are taking here. She might have some insight ... albeit 7+ years removed. I would imagine you have grown a git since then but possibly might be a stone or two you could look under.

I would be curious to see what perspective she might shed

[ILYNOT]

Good idea to get some insight on yourself!

But Id be pissed if I were her husband to be honest, but that's just me, I apologize if I'm being too blunt after all this is YOUR incredible Journey, make it last!

I am also expecting my papers to come soon, but I'm no longer in fear. Change is inevitable.

[PigPen]

I appreciate the honesty ILYNOT. Her husband is fine with it as far as I know. She told me she talked to him and he has no problem with us meeting. I've met him before and have met her kids, we were together a long time ago.

Sorry to hear about the papers, Azzork likes to say that it means nothing. My W has been living elsewhere for 8 months, what does the paperwork mean at this point?

It usually means we've placed a lot of hope in something that really means little. The state is the only one that's really concerned about our marital status. My W took her ring off 5 days after leaving, that lets me know what she thinks of our marital status.

Paper is paper, I've got work to do on myself.

PP

[Wonka]

PP,

There's more to discover about yourself. It is a constant on-going project, isn't it?

Aren't you going to text W briefly to see if you are able to pick up Woofie this weekend? Remember she said she'd leave the key for you to enter her place if she's out. Is this still your weekend plan?

[PigPen]

Hi Wonka,

Thank you for checking in on me. W told me she'd let me know about this weekend. She has a friend coming in to stay with her they're leaving for an event on Sunday. I don't have a chance to grab him until noon that day.

She told me she'd let me know when she heard from the other woman. So far I haven't reached out to check in on yet. Would you recommend that I do so? Or wait for her to reach out to me.

My plan was to wait until Saturday morning and reach out to her then if I hadn't heard from her before.

Thank you again,

PP

[PigPen]

Had a great call with my DB coach this morning. He kept saying "Something in your W has shifted as she went from not wanting to see you and talk to you to wanting to see you and talk to you."

Said to not beat myself up for laughing about Woofie's spirituality even though "laughing at your W may not have been what we recommend in DB". Damn it. He told me it was a great opportunity to show her that I know when I make mistakes and learn from them.

My focus for the next month is to use the dog swapping as a way to show her my changes, not to try to kick the door open that she's opened a crack, and to make sure I'm taking extra care of myself so that when we do have the limited interactions that we will have that they're positive.

He left me with the thought of "It's A Wonderful Life" and the Nicholas Cage movie depicting a similar scenario. That at the end the main character has seen little change in his external circumstances but his internal life is entirely different.

This was in response to my fear that taking a year off and traveling would somehow set me back in my external life.

Good call, got me refocused for the day and the upcoming weeks.

Stay the course, keep on DB principles. Be authentic with my interactions with my W, and continue to learn.

Hope everyone has a peaceful Friday.

PP