The World is A-changin'

[Zephyr]

E, I have those dreams ALL THE TIME

I digress. so, may I ask you a question. Since before last November, were you two active at all or was the sex far and few between? Was this driven by both or did you feel that it just happened that way?

I am curious...your husband made a decision to marry you so many years ago, with full understanding of how things were back then. Had you ever been one to escalate and approach him for sex or was it always him that initiated? Has there been any complaints from husband on the frequency since your son was born? have you tried to initiate at all since November?

I just wonder if the sex situation has any impact on your current marital situation. it seams to play a huge roll in many of the men's minds around here, so I am curious how much of this could be contributing.

[Elly4]

Zephyr, I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.

Since the birth of my son, we would make love maybe once a month sometimes more, which actually was a lot more than I ever did before my son. The physical discomfort went away after the birth of my son, which makes sense. It was probably about 7/8 him and 1/8 me. Interestingly the 1/8 times for me were in 2014.

So, very often it was my H who initiated and I would accept or deny. It got to be very painful for both of us before we had our S as I would feel bad for saying "no" and he would feel bad for asking. But we would keep trying.

After our S was born, we talked about sex a few times and frequency. He indicated he wanted to make love every day and I immediately became afraid that I would let him down again because I wouldn't emotionally be able to make love every day with a young infant. But I made an effort to do it more often. And I would initiate some days, and just fun as well. The POV is tough here as I felt like he only wanted to make love quickly where as I might want to just cuddle or fool around sometimes.

After November, when he told me that he felt like I was only offering because I was trying to save our M, I have not initiated. I don't know how. I don't want to be told I'm doing something only to save our M, which when he said that, upset me greatly. I've worked hard to understand that I, alone, am in control of my physical self and I felt like he diminished that.

But, I think I mentioned this many threads ago, although he denies it, I fully believe that intimacy in a physical form is a huge part of our issues, and I'm not quite sure how to go about getting it back.

Because of my own trauma, I have deeply wounded my best friend and H. I just don't know what to do about it.

[Zephyr]

I think that this all goes back to the same thing...our spouses must learn to trust our 'new selves'. I don't know about a timeline, maybe the IC can help there better.

Your husband did not trust your intentions for initiating after his ILYBNILWY speech. he stated that out loud. At some point, you are going to have to speak the truth about this to him...state just like you did above, that you are sorry if you had hurt him in all of this when I comes to the love making frequency. That you DO have physical needs too and desire them from him.

If you were to do this, you could also tell him you are not sure that every day is a reasonable frequency and then state what you also wanted...cuddling and fooling around. Sometimes these things won't always lead to sex.

IDK, maybe this is a topic for when your husband decides to come back to the table, with MC help. it seams like a big unaddressed topic (AS IT HAD BEEN IN MY MARRIAGE AS WELL). As with the rest, the trust has to come back first...for both of you!

Sorry if I dredged something up that I shouldn't have...was just curious on your take for that. Wouldn't it be nice to just be able to tell your H about your dream...just flat out.

[lonelee]

OM Goodness ELLY4... you just helped me see the light...

{I noticed today that when he was quiet and thinking, I immediately jumped to he was upset at me, while in actuality he was digesting the testing and follow up from today. When I gave him the space, he started talking to me.

I wonder how many times in our M that he felt he couldn't be upset or worried because I would assume I screwed up...something to think about and bring up with my IC}



This is so me.. always concerned that I have done something wrong... could it possibly be that he can just be quiet and digesting something and it not have anything to do with me at all? This is definitely something I need to consider more and work on. Everything can't be my fault all the time, why do I try to take the blame or assume that I'm at fault.. is it a form of control, lack of self esteem, or childhood memory/trauma maybe???
hhmmm

[lonelee]

I have read some of your recent posts and where Zephyr brought up the "making coffee" subject and I know it may not be the right time, that's for you to decide but would initiating be a 180 for you?

have you flirted with him recently?
have you complimented him lately?
have you accidently on purpose brushed up against him just to ses if there's a spark?

you'll never know unless you try. Just sayin'..

[Elly4]

Zephyr, this is a big issue that I am glad to talk about. I think it's a hard one on here for a lot of folks because they can't imagine our M history. I welcome the feedback as I really need help in this area. Is it painful to talk about? Yes, of course! But if I don't face my failures (and my successes as we had times over the years that we didn't think it would ever happen) how am I going to be able to fix my M. I worry that it's unfixable, but we all worry that.

Funny that you brought up asking me to marry him, as my IC brought up the same thing. I can't take the blame for the whole M as he knew, from 6 years experience, that it might never happen for us. But it has, and I would like to continue a relationship with intimacy with him.

But, if he's involved with the OW, even on an emotional level, I'm not sure now's the time to start. This is so complicated.

Thank you more than I can show for being forthright with me. I soo greatly appreciate it!

[Elly4]

Lonelee, that's great that something that I realized is helping you! That's how this board works and I'm glad to contribute to it.

Initiating would be a 180 for me, but he's been sending out these very large stop signals, I think. As long as I stay light hearted and PMA, we're doing well. As soon as I make any moves towards him, he rapidly goes the other direction. Although I haven't done any initiation moves....maybe I will after I talk to my IC.

Thanks again!
E

[Elly4]

I agree so much about how bad it is that it took BD to wake us up. My H and I are having talks that should have happened years ago, but in his mind too late. So much regret that I didn't make changes sooner.

Take care!

BT, it is rather sad. All we can do is continue to prove that we are making permanent changes and realize that we can only control ourselves.

*hugs*
E

[Elly4]

I have that dream a lot. It is worse than a nightmare. I wish I could stay asleep.

TK, I so wanted to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. There are days that sleeping is much better, and today was one of them.

*hugs*
E

[Elly4]

Oh, and Lonelee, another thing I did was yesterday my H called to say that he could pick up our son so that I work late and not feel that I had to leave early. My first reaction was to say no, as I always feel that it's putting him out to deal with schedules and transportation stuff. Yet, when I stepped back, I realized that those responses might be why he feels I don't trust him. I had to let go and say "yes".

Which I did. Yea me 2.0!

Of course then I obsessed whether "she" was going to be with them. Then I let that go to....sorta.