[/i]Reposting, as it was added to your last thread just as you moved[i]
I am new to your sitch and looking at your last post the fact that it is actions not words you are seeing is very encouraging as that is the element of your W behaviour you want to keep an eye on.
Your challenge now being to see if this continues while you remain detached and enjoying your GAL activities. The reason for this being IF the behaviour stops it won't effect you, which you need to be prepared for so that you don't get too disheartened IF it happens.
You also said recently that you've achieved all of your goals, which is fantastic! To ensure you continue to have direction, have you considered setting more? After all you know that the process works...
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I'm watching the actions now. If she pulls out, then great. If W doesn't pull through, but continues, I am now in the frame of mind that I will survive and flourish. I couldn't say that a few months ago!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, I'm re-posting this as it posted just as you strated a new thread...
That's great to hear you have achieved your goals. All sounds good in terms of your health, confidence, R with the kids and not expecting stuff from your W.
But I also think you have an air of - yup, all done with my work, just need the W to turn now - oh, but she's pretty stubborn...
I hope you don't think I'm being too intrusive, I do only mean well, but the crux of all of our sitches is that our R has failed, and your goals don't really address you as a man and partner on an emotional level. Do you think that achieving your goals will help you have a better partnership in the future either with your W or some other lucky lady? Are you really addressing 'your side of the street' from a relationship/emotional perspective?
I wonder whether there is an opportunity here for you to dig a little deeper? I would encourage you to have a think about the kind of work that people like Zeus and PP are doing for instance?
I'm interested to hear how you feel about this..
S :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have thought about my side of the R. I have dealt with all the finances previously and I think W felt left out of that. No worries, happy to share and I've already told her that.
SL was good, so no need to revisit that. In her spew, there have been a number of 'nuggets' that I have picked up. They seem to be about being with her more, in the house and communication. I have been spending much more time with the family group, even if she was just watching TV. Communication is an issue - W isn't talking!
No, I don't feel it's 'job done, just waiting', but unless I can get any more info as to what the problem was I feel I don't know what more to do. I told W I loved her every day. I was a bit stressed at work and I didn't have much time for kids etc. as I was so tired, but I was working so much to provide for the kids. Now, I've flipped that, so I feel I have achieved positives with regard to most aspects of W's 'spew complaints'. I've tried talking and got the usual frosty response, so, I don't want to backslide to that again. Do you have a viewpoint for furtherance?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I guess I'm looking at it from the perspective of - you may or may not have a future R with your W (like all of us here and our WAS's). But, like most of us here, you'll probably have a future R with 'someone' be it your W (hopefully!) or some other lucky lass.
Do you feel that you have learned and changed enough following the demise of this R, to confidently pursue a new R - either with your W or someone else? Do you understand more about the interactions and dynamics between you both? Some of which were probably healthy - others less so etc..
Not trying to steer in any direction, but the reading I have done about R's - 5LL, NMMNG, DR, etc. have made me realise that I was actually pretty clueless about how to have a successful R. I'm about to start reading HNHN next..
I'm not suggesting you're clueless - only that I was!! And now I understand a little more than I did...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, I was pretty clueless in seeing it coming, that's for sure! From all the clues I can piece together, W is in MLC. Yep, I see she wanted to have more to do with running the finances, wanted me to do more with the kids etc., but, if she won't talk to me, how do I get this information?
My S is disabled and W only works one day per week. I can see how that might make her feel lonely, sometimes, but I always made the effort to invite my W to come and meet me at work for a meal etc., which she always declined. As I say, since BD, I have made a real effort to spend more time with the kids etc. and the family group.
I was always very affectionate to W. In the past few years, due to finances, we haven't gone away much, but we did have a holiday to Disneyland Paris in 2013, but with our S's disablement, this proves problematical. I don't feel I was taking her for granted or unappreciative of her, but I don't know how she felt. I certainly never wanted that to be.
So, here we are. I have made changes, but haven't publicised them. People at work have noticed the change in me and my outlook. W has done things with her appearance that she knows make me 'turned on' and this week has cooked a meal etc. In the past, I have taken little acts like this and offered the olive branch in return, only to find it's a trick to see how attached I am, and then been kicked in the teeth.
That is why I am now in the frame of mind that it is up to W to make the next move. Surely, if we are to go forward, W has to try and talk or make some other action that we both recognise as progress and move forward. In house separation is difficult as detachment is difficult.
So, my other DB chums suggest I do nothing and, on current evidence, I agree with them, but do you have something that you could offer to provide a key that I can plant to crack this situation wide open?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
You just can't crack the situation open as you say. DBing is a hard and long slog. Be polite and cordial with W. Don't get sucked into her spews or fall into R talks.
Does your S have other kids that he can play with in a group? What I am thinking about is a support group for disabled children where parents and the kids get together for support and play. Surely there's something like that in your area. I'd look into it and see if that's something that the family can do. It may help W relieving pressure on her in terms of being the caretaker for son as a SAHM.
As we agreed the other day, It's really up to W to play the next shot. You're right about it being a hard slog, but I do feel a lot better! I know I can't crack it wide open, but I hear Sotto, and she seems to have a slightly different viewpoint, and has come out of the other side, so that would be an interesting viewpoint for me. I'm always willing to listen and learn.
We used to go to a playgroup on a Sunday, but it finished. S is at school during the day (in the UK we call in mainstream with supported learning) so W is alone. I work about 18 miles away from home and before BD I asked W to come and have a meal with me during the day, but she never wanted to travel so far. My W wanted to finish work when our D was born and that was fine. I did worry that she was going to be lonely, but she assured me that wouldn't be the case.
I suppose the next step is to try and get communication going again, but I don't want to initiate as I fear it will just become an eyerolling moment where W will be able to give me another kicking.
So, therefore, I just keep going on with doing nothing. When W does speak to me I am cordial and friendly, but I am not initiating conversation, unless I really need to, as per sandi2's rules.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
