got here late

[duke]

Hi Sandi,

She (we) have waited a long time to get a house, 16 years we have been renting. It has been hard on our family. It has stressed me out and made me a little moody at times. To make it worse I have taken all our non pension money and invested it in funds that have not done well. Sometimes they are way up and sometimes way down. She insisted on looking when they were way down. Usually she just trusted me and let me manage our money. She was a little superstitious about it and never wanted to "jinx" us by asking when she thought it was up and was too freaked out to ask when she thought it was down. It has been a very long and tough road watching the home prices rise relentlessly where we live while watching our investments suffer. We had a minor issue where I didn't talk much for a few days after she left without saying goodbye. It all culminated at the same time and fell down on top of me. She feels like I let her and my family down and that now it is too late for us so she is going off on her own with our kids. Several friends, not on my request, have told her that she is being irrational and making a horrible mistake but that only make her more mad and focussed on leaving. I have made some big financial mistakes and it cost me my family basically.

[sandi2]

To me, it sounds as if she feels her trust in you to manage the finances has been betrayed. When you made investment, etc., was it a decision made by the two of you, or did she not wish to even know what you were doing with the money?

This could be a legitimate reason for her leaving, or it could be the smoke screen covering her truer reason. At this point, it's just guess work. Has there ever been an issue over investments in the past? Did you lead her to believe everything was fine and on target for purchasing a home?

As far as how to greet her at the airport, I would suggest you not buy her or her mother any gifts. Be pleasant, friendly, and smile. Do not initiate any hugs, or kisses. Let her lead the affection in the greeting. She may give a half-hearted hug (side by side, or a distance between bodies type of hug). Don't show that it bothers you. She has separated from the MR, so don't go with expectations.

A lot of your actions toward personal changes seem motivated by wanting to impress your W. Try to work on yourself for yourself, and not build expectations of how she'll respond to it.

[duke]

Hi Sandi,

You are absolutely correct, she feels that she trusted me to manage the finances and I let her down, a lot. I always managed the finances, paid all the bills, did the investing. I had a financial advisor manage 50-60% and I managed the other. I was very aggressive and at times it was way up and others way down. She was always too nervous to look or ask too many questions, she was afraid to "jinx" things. When I did try to show here what I was doing, when things were going well with investments, she would gloss over. At times she was excited about how much we had and was proud of me, others just nervous and didn't want to know. Recently she decided to look into it at a bad time and was upset at the amount. She thinks I gambled with our money and future. I think its always been a simmering issue, she always felt we were waiting for either the housing market to fall or the stocks to go up to the point we could buy a house.

Anytime investments were going well I would tell her and say in another few months we can start looking, then something would always happen and we had to put it on hold.

I make good money and she works 50% time. We were always able to go on lots of nice trips, our kids never wanted for anything. We rented an OK house, had nice cars and never argued about money.

This was just a culmination of a few bad factors all at once 1) disagreement, me going quiet, her leaving without saying goodbye resulting in prolonged period of not talking much
2) her deciding to look into the finances and was not happy
3) the next day she decided to trial separate
4) I panicked and insisted we work it out, chased her
5) it snowballed into full blown legal separation

She is in Europe until the 30th and after that I am sure the mediation will begin. We haven't communicated at all since Aug 2. I am hoping this time apart will allow her to remember the good times and miss me. She did really used to love me.

Its like a switch just went off and she turned into someone totally different. The harder I pursued the worse it got.

At the airport I will dress nice, have gifts for the kids, hug and kiss them but just be nice and smile at wife.

I will offer to pick them all up but I suspect MIL will be there with a scowl on her face because I am "butting in". Wife may not be too happy to see me.

thanks for all your help

[duke]

I am really curious, what are the typical results after the first 30 days of absolutely no contact. I doubt we have gone 2 days in the last 20 years of no contact. What would normally happen in this situation? What are other peoples experiences?

[Azzork]

I am really curious, what are the typical results after the first 30 days of absolutely no contact. I doubt we have gone 2 days in the last 20 years of no contact. What would normally happen in this situation? What are other peoples experiences?

Duke - I think your focus is in the wrong place. The way I see it, there has to be two things happen for any situation to turn around.
1) the fantasy idea that the WAS/WS has of the future has to kinda fall apart. Through family, medical, parenting, AP, whatever issues, SOMETHING or somethings need to happen to show them that the dream world they had in their head is not the actual world.
2) The LBS has to prove that the best option is to return. That they are a different person and that a new M can and will be successful.

From what I can gather, both of those points are critically important. With that said, the no contact is not something that will spur the change, necessarily. I believe that there are many benefits of not having contact, but by itself, it isnt really going to do too much.

In your case, she's on a month long VACATION right now. WITH the kids. It isnt like shes struggling, or lonely, or having problems in the "real world". Im guessing that the no contact actually has very little impact on her.

But there are some other benefits.
1) you arent making things unknowingly worse with pressure on her or talking about your R or the separation or anything.
2) you dont have to see her in "vacation mode"
3) you get some space to be able to live. You get some practice on your own. You get some space to grow.

Hopefully, you are using this time wisely!

[duke]

I am trying but this is still quite fresh. I am going to the gym, cycling, re-started going to church, talking with family and friends much more... I just miss her so much its crazy.

Any others with input?

[MrBond]

What would be your reason for no-contact? I mean you have young children together, you need to talk about them.

[duke]

Wife and the 3 girls are in Europe for 30 days. I haven't talked to her since Aug 2. Like a forced going dark I guess. I Skype with my girls every 2-3 days and that is great. I have been telling them how busy I am, cycling, going to gym, work, going out with friends and re-started going to church which she will be curious about. I intentionally don't ask about W. She seems to leave the room when we Skype anyways.

Thoughts from anyone? Sandi?

[MrBond]

At some point you're going to have to talk to your W about the kids. Are you prepared for that? you could always start softening things by asking your W how the kids are doing.

[duke]

Well... She said she was going to set up a mediation meeting the first week of Sept. I gave her 2 dates and never heard a word back about it. Today my boss said he wants me to fly to California for a 2-3 day meeting that week. I don't really want to contact W and ask for 2 reasons, I am trying not to contact her at all and I don't want the bad news of a mediation meeting if there is one. Should I just go ahead and book my California meeting since she never got back to me?