He texted me today making demands and threats about our daughter. I told him I would meet him in a public place but I would not be coming to their apartment. He refused and said he would not meet anywhere but his apartment. Now he's telling me he will be here to pick her up on Friday and she will go.
I don't trust his mom. I don't want to go there because of the way she is. No telling what she has up her sleeve. Neither of them can be trusted. I am starting to fear for our safety with his demands. He seems unstable right now and no telling what he is capable of.
If you fear for your safety, I wouldn't go to their apartment. Stand your ground and continue to state that you will meet in a public place. I certainly wouldn't want his mother around when discussing issues about your marriage w/him.
If he's saying that he'll pick up your daughter at your place on Friday, have someone be there w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Haunted- sorry you find yourself here, but you are in very good hands.
The advice you are receiving is very wise. In the beginning you can't always see that because you are so shocked by all that has happened and the advice is oftentimes counterintuitive to what you want to do.
With that said, just to re-affirm some of what you have already been told, detaching is the key. No one can tell you exactly how to do this as there is no silver bullet.
For me, what helped me to distance was the realization that this alien my H had turned into was not the guy to whom I even wanted to be married. So, why bother pursuing him?
Read everything you can about MLC and then keep re-reading. You do need to distance yourself from H for your own sanity and so that he can begin to isolate the variables of his life to begin to assess what makes him unhappy. If you are contacting him it will remind him of him of how he does not have those feelings for you and it may convince him further that you are the source of his unhappiness. However, if you are not contacting him and he is still unhappy, which he will be, then he is forced to start figuring out the roots of his unhappiness.
This is hard with kids in tow. Work on taking care of yourself and being a good mom.
When you do have contact with your H be kind to him as later on they do remember how they were treated. Plus, your kid/kids are watching!
Post a lot as the veterans will lead you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
My emotions are everywhere today. I think I am back to mourning. I have such sadness over me today. I've been crying a little. I am a mess like I was weeks ago.
I think seeing him today had a part in doing that. I went to his work to get the money order he had for our daughter. I was there briefly just to get that. He was really nervous and shaking but didn't speak to me.
I am trying so hard to focus on me and take the focus off him but it's such a struggle. I am really having a hard time doing that. I don't think I am going to progress much because I just seem to keep going in reverse. I am fine for a few days, then back to the sad emotions.
haunted, It's a one step forward, two step backwards scenario and it happens to all of us in the beginning. Mourning takes as long as it takes and each person deals w/mourning in different ways. It takes a lot of time and you can't expect to over everything within a couple of weeks. Seeing your h set you back and it's normal.
Are you seeing a counselor or in a support group? If the answer is no, then it's time to think about joining a support group in your area. Check around at your local church or look for parents w/o partners, divorce support groups, etc. You need to have a "live" support group to lean on when things really get you down and you can call someone or meet up w/a live person and talk things out. This forum is great, but you do need real people to lean on as well.
Cry, vent, beat the stuff out of a pillow, but you have to work through those emotions in order to get to the other side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
haunted, It's a one step forward, two step backwards scenario and it happens to all of us in the beginning. Mourning takes as long as it takes and each person deals w/mourning in different ways. It takes a lot of time and you can't expect to over everything within a couple of weeks. Seeing your h set you back and it's normal.
Are you seeing a counselor or in a support group? If the answer is no, then it's time to think about joining a support group in your area. Check around at your local church or look for parents w/o partners, divorce support groups, etc. You need to have a "live" support group to lean on when things really get you down and you can call someone or meet up w/a live person and talk things out. This forum is great, but you do need real people to lean on as well.
Cry, vent, beat the stuff out of a pillow, but you have to work through those emotions in order to get to the other side.
I see a counselor every week. It's mostly the nights were i get down the most. I figured that was what set me back. Plus he is flaunting another little affair all over facebook where my family can see it. He's talking about how much he loves this girl and wants to marry her when he gets a divorce from me. Do MLC people really go to that extreme and talk like that? I've been reading up but I am still not sure if he is even going through a MLC. He didn't do the splurging or changing his appearance before he left. He has some signs of it though.
I've told my family no more sharing this info with me because it just hurts me even more.
I too had to tell my friends and family to not share with me what they see on FB about my W and kids. I don't want to know. They have been pretty good about it.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this haunted, its a long and painful process, but you will get through it to the other side and the intensity of it all will dull.
Originally Posted By: haunted
He's talking about how much he loves this girl and wants to marry her when he gets a divorce from me. Do MLC people really go to that extreme and talk like that?
Absolutely - my h told me ow was best thing that happened to him and she made him feel like he had never felt before ! Now he is mortified he said that and he doesn't recall the conversation at all and she turned out to be a real crazy chick.
The moral of this is really don't believe anything h says to you, he is living in a false world that is real to him, he truly believes what he is saying right now as that is what he feels, but when reality hits ...and it will one day ...then he will see that this was not real at all, its quite disillusioning for them, they changed their whole life to chase a dream.
These first few weeks/months are the hardest, you will question everything. It feels like one step forwards and two back at times, like life is totally against you and no one understands the pain and anguish you are feeling - we do here. Read everything you can about MLC to understand that this is not a personal attack on you. Read other posters threads from beginning to end so you can see the journey and know that it does and will get better.
Hang on in there haunted, you are doing incredibly well. Keep posting your thoughts and questions.
You know, that might be an appropriate response on your part.
Your H has shown himself to be a repeat adulterer. He started cheating on you only seven years into the relationship. He hasn't put the real effort needed into saving the marriage, and is just rushing into the high of a new relationship rather than facing his own demons.
I wouldn't be surprised if you found out the cheating went back even further than you know.
The bottom line is, he has a LONG way to go before he is someone you can trust to let him back into your life. He might make those changes some day, or he might have a fatal character flaw that prevents him from ever being a faithful husband.
If you want to leave the door open for the possibility of reconciliation if he changes in the future, you certainly may. But right now your focus needs to be on YOUR life and your kids.
Work on yourself...you'll be a happier healthier person for it. Show your kids an example of resilience and strength. See an attorney and figure out your financial rights (if H has a job right now, you might want to file so you don't get stuck paying him spousal support. Explore all the angles with a good divorce attorney even if you're not sure you want to file yet. You need to protect your finances from him.
Change is scary but not always bad. This can be an amazing growth opportunity if you embrace it.
