WAH, in the thick of divorce

[Vanilla]

If it were me then I would have planners and diagrams rather than words. Something with mon-sun and possibly colour coded.

Then some kind of table with hours spent by each.

One set with proposals and another set with actually.

It would make it easier to follow for your mediator, you can include work hours etc...

The comparatives could be on the same page.

I am not of course dear Wonka and perhaps she has some good ideas.

V

[ep0215]

Hi V - Thank you for your reply! I do have that and we went over it in the last meeting but dear H can't process information in the moment so we have to reconvene again, hopefully he has had enough time to think about the proposals and come up with options of his own. I am predicting and planning on him only bringing the current schedule to the table which is the one that needs to change once school begins next week.

[Vanilla]

Sounds well prepared to me.

Take (a3paper if pos) blanks for everyone, rubbers and coloured pencils!

So you can do colouring in.

There is a saying " the one who writes the minutes rules the meeting"


This means at the end of it, be the one who drafts the final version, get the clerk to photocopy it and circulate, even if it means 10 minutes after the meeting on your own scratching.

V

[ep0215]

Great idea V! I didn't think about that. I am ready. Now I just need to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

[SunnyB]

Ep, a couple of questions.

Are you truly using a collaborative agreement, or are you simply calling it collaborative because you are using a mediator and trying to be cooperative? Did you sign an agreement that should negotiations fail these Ls won't represent you in court?

Also, in FL, I believe the sharing percentage is based strictly on overnights. I realize that you need a 24/7 plan for your son but the sharing percentage can seem different than reality. For instance, you can have S4 from 8am to 8pm, he spends the night with H, and then you get him back at 8am the next morning. That's not 50/50 that's one overnight for H and none for you. Is that the way your L has explained it to you?

[ep0215]

Sunny - great questions. Thank you. Yes we have signed a collaborative divorce agreement and using collaborative divorce attorneys. They will be fired if we go to court. Dr. C is a third party professional we have hired to act as our mental health coach, parenting coordinator and additional mediator. Both L's use her a lot in these instances.

He did explain the overnights to me this way. Thanks

[SunnyB]

Got it. Then I think you are on the right track. Dr. C. needs to have the whole picture and will put the interests of S4 first. Your Ls aren't going to be jockeying for leverage on this one, I don't think you have anything to lose by being straightforward and explaining it the way you see it.

[Vanilla]

If Sunny view holds good and she knows her stuff.

You might add a section on your personal sheet to give you a quick and dirty calc of overnights by week/month/time frame.

It's maths, so you can check it later.

V

[SunnyB]

If Sunny view holds good and she knows her stuff.V

Thanks, V. But actually, I've been thinking about this. I think you are on the right track expressing how you feel about this, with the exception of adding in the "fault" of it. That's not part of this. However, Ep, I'm going to challenge you on the why you feel this way. Do you really think it's not in the best interest of D4 to switch off, or do you just think it's not fair he has to because of H's actions?

When STBX and I were about to S, he proposed a week with mom a week with dad kind of split. I was horrified and immediately rejected that. (No way you are keeping from my kid a week at a time on a regular basis.) Then I proposed that he have every other Friday and Saturday night. I proposed two nights of every 14. He agreed. And then I thought about it. And realized that as much as I wanted to believe that it was in her best interest to be with mommy in her own home almost all the time.....it simply wasn't true. She needed dad, too, no matter where he lived. So I swallowed hard, and went back and proposed a different split, five nights in 14, and that's what we do now.

I'll admit I had to talk to my IC about it to get through it, and she asked me what in D12's life was going to be different just because she spend some nights with dad in his apartment. And truth is, it's not much. She has the same friends, the same school, the same after school activities. She has her own room in STBX's apartment, he's made it very nice for her, keeps her supplied with the things she needs, and I make sure her school uniforms stay straight between the two closets.

So, I'm challenging you, ep, to think about this, hard. Push your comfort zone to define exactly what's going to be bad about S's life if this doesn't go your way. Not, it's not fair that you disrupt his life because you left kind of things. Concrete things. Name them. Go.

[ep0215]

If Sunny view holds good and she knows her stuff.V

Thanks, V. But actually, I've been thinking about this. I think you are on the right track expressing how you feel about this, with the exception of adding in the "fault" of it. That's not part of this. However, Ep, I'm going to challenge you on the why you feel this way. Do you really think it's not in the best interest of D4 to switch off, or do you just think it's not fair he has to because of H's actions?

[color:#3366FF][/color]Thank you Sunny, I accept your challenge. I have been thinking about this a lot since he left in May and have talked to my IC about this in length. The way his schedule is laid out, yes, I believe it is not in S4's best interest to switch off every other day one week and then 4 nights in a row another. I wish our schedules would allow for a more routine sharing schedule but with his work it just can't be every other weekend sort of thing.

The schedule how he wants it would go like this:

M: Mom take S to school and pick-up at 5:30, Dad pick-up S from home after work at 7:30 pm. Take him home to go to bed.
T: Dad take S to school and pick-up at 12:00, stays with Dad overnight
[b]W:: Dad take S to school and Mom pick-up at 5:30 pm, Mom overnight (every other week he would pick him up 7:30 pm from me and stay overnight)
TH: Mom take S to school, Dad pick-up at 12:00, stays overnight
F: Dad take S to school, Mom pick up and have the weekend with him

There are way too many transitions back and forth during the actual week for his age. He really is having a hard time knowing if he is coming or going. Always asking me "where am I going?" My IC has a lot of training in counseling young children and agrees that at 4 years old he is too young for the bouncing back and forth.

It really isn't about getting back at him. I am writing up options to allow for Monday and Tuesday night overnight and then the rest of the week overnight with me but he would still get to spend almost everyday day time with his father. I do want him to have quality time and a quality relationship with his father. In my head, just picking him up at 7:30 pm to go home and go to bed after he has been with his Mommy for 2 hours just doesn't make any sense.

Did I answer your question?