Hi everyone So I was hoping I could get some advice today. My wife came to our house yesterday to help clean for the open house this week. I was cordial and didn't say too much. She had a runny nose so I asked her if she had allergies or if she was sick, she said no that she had been crying. My heart instantly ached for her, her back was to me because she was cleaning the stove. I waited for a min because I wanted to think about what I did before I did it. My natural reaction was to go to her and hold her, so I did. I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She started sobbing uncontrollably. Side note, this is the first time she has cried since this has been going on and the first time I have seen her cry since we have been together. While she was crying she was asking me why I couldn't have just listened then and then told me she was just so mad at me and that I should never have hurt her like that. I held her for a few mins and told her it was never too late and that we could start over, a new marriage. I asked her what she wanted and she said she was confused and didn't know. I asked her what was holding her back and she said the wheels were already in motion. I told her that nothing had been done that was permanent.
So how do I proceed? How do I nurture this without pushing?
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
Okay...I would back off as your W needs to process her emotions. Let her come to you. I can understand your desire to make all the pain go away in that instant.
Did you validate W? I like this old standby, "I would have done things differently knowing what I know now. I am sorry for the pain and I would love to make sincere amends with you. I respect you and your space. All of this isn't easy for both of us at all. I am here when you're ready."
Wonka- I most certainly did validate her, not in your exact words, but pretty close I think that has been helping because I have been validating her the last few discussions we have had. I am going to wait for her to come to me. It just makes me nervous that the house is going to start being shown and that I will sign a lease sept 15.
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
PT .. who set this all into motion? She did. Right now she is second guessing herself ... DO NOT PURSUE her here. She needs to really FEEL the consequences of what she is doing, and like Wonka said .. you plant that seed of "I would do alot of things differently" and let that seed take root in her foggy noggin. You can pave the road home ... but you can not push her down the street, she has to come back to you on her terms.
Stay the course ... there is movement .. and with that might be some testing, she may even spew a bit just to work herself up to get over the hump.
I know I don't have a crystal ball, but I feel like she will never change her mind even though she has said things like there is a 6 month cooling off period and her lease is month to month. Otherwise why would she still be going through with the divorce and selling the house. I guess I have no choice, but to let her go on her journey and I will go on mine. I know that I am a better person and I have already learned so much from my mistakes.
I will one-better ya here. My W left, signed a year lease ... then after THAT lease was up extended it 18 months to keep the $$ lower. Knowing how much I really hate that place ... she struggled with how to approach me on moving in with her there till we could find something else.
You are right though, let her walk her journey and figure out what she wants while you use this time and work on PT, making PT a woman only a fool would leave .... time to look and see who you want PT 2.0 to be.
Wonka, Cali I hear ya. Patience and the long road. I just hate to sell something that we both love. I have told her it is just a house and we can get another one. I suggested moving closer to her work so her drive was shorter (mine would be longer, but it only takes me 10 mins to get there now). I just wanted to prevent any unnecessary moving/work/inconveniences but I see what your saying.
She asked me yesterday before she left if I wanted to go to dinner on thursday. So hopefully she will open up more, I know that was big for her yesterday. Don't worry I will not pursue
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
I think that has been helping because I have been validating her the last few discussions we have had. I am going to wait for her to come to me. It just makes me nervous that the house is going to start being shown and that I will sign a lease sept 15.