Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[dwh15]

Link to previous threads:

Part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592593&page=1

Part 2: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592603&page=1

[Vanilla]

Dwh

It's always great to start a new thread.

I have thought a great deal about this. I think the grief you feel is the loss of your dreams and hopes.

I sense a naïveté within your posts. WW has been wayward for quite a long time, and this time she escalated and left. I question if she hadn't whether you would have continued with your dream.

Whatever you do this is for you and your children.

V

[dwh15]

V, I'm sure I would have continued living in my own fantasy for as long as WW was still here. I haven't truly been happy for a while if I'm being honest. I knew there were problems with the M, but I just didn't realize how far back and how deep rooted they were. I'm not glad about the things that have happened, but a major change was needed in all our lives, and I'm not sure anything less than this avalanche of grief would have done the trick.

So it's been the worst 5 months of my life, no question. But I feel I've come a long way and things are definitely getting better. Today was overall a good day. My WW took the usual 2 boys (S18 and S8) out for cony dogs, while I did some shopping and ran 2 miles at the Y. After the kids got home, we went to my sisters and I helped her put up a new fence in her yard while the kids swam in her pool. Now I can't say it was a "good" time for me. In fact, it was darn hard work. Not sure if anyone has used a post hole digger before, but let me just say it's exhausting, and we hit a hi of 89 outside today. I was pretty much drenched in my own sweat for hours.

But the great news is that I kept busy on the task, and didn't really think about WW all that often. My mom and step-father were there too, so between the conversation and work, it felt like a pretty normal day. I wasn't depressed and somewhat enjoyed myself. The good mood has continued even after getting home and I plan on going back tomorrow to help finish the job, after church of course. I feel like the past few days have sort of been a turning point for me, and life is starting to turn around. Don't recall if I mentioned it, but I received a job offer Friday around 5pm and will be starting in 2 weeks. As icing on the cake, it's a 20% raise over where I was at before, plus it has flexible start time, so I can work around the kids school schedules. I know I've got a ways to go but really hoping that the worst of the journey is coming to an end.

[Vanilla]

Dwh,

You didn't mention the job offer but it's huge! Whether you say yeah or Nay it's a big confidence boost.

Many congratulations.

I asked how old it was for you because the unhappiness goes back further than BD. You may wish to explore this and it's origins later.

For today you are at an oasis, enjoy the caravan serai and rest easy.

V

[dwh15]

Went to church this morning. The message was powerful and really spoke to my personal situation. I won't go into details but the theme was God's dominion and how he has a plan, and everything always works to his will. Even sinful, bad, painful things are used to bring us closer to God, and I strongly feel that working in my own life. It doesn't necessarily mean that everything will work out how I expect, but I have faith that in the end, I will be a better, happier person.

So today still not feeling too bad. Have had a couple of painful moments thinking about WW with the OM, and have a mix of hurt and anger. But I seem to be getting over them much quicker lately, and try not to dwell on it. Heading down to my sister's again to help finish up the fence work we started today. Probably in for another hot, grueling, sweaty day, but should get it finished up.

The kids had their fill of the pool yesterday so are heading to spend a couple of hours with mom and have lunch. Her and OM have started having a get together every Sunday with the neighbors where they have a bunch of food and hang out. It actually sounds like a lot of fun, and is something I wish we would have done more of as a family. I'm happy that the kids will enjoy it, but part of me gets jealous and angry whenever they spend time with WW and OM together. It's something I just have to learn to accept.

As I think more about my sitch and the long, sorted history of WW, I really wonder if there is any chance we could ever be a complete family again. I mean, the trouble started almost 5 years ago, with what I now know to be the very first OM, in spite of her repeated denials. Since then, it has been a series of affairs, at least 4 OM that I can confirm, and possibly more I don't know about. All lasted 18-24 months, except for the 2nd, which appeared to be a very short fling of 2-3 months. That is a very long time to be troubled mentally and emotionally. I think that WW is hoping that her actually moving out and in with current OM will be the difference this time. Who knows. Seems very unlikely to me, but then what does she do next? I just don't know if she will ever get better, at least not w/o some very serious professional help. I'm really starting to wonder if I should throw in the towel, file, and just move on.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

You do what you do when you are ready. You decide.

V

[dwh15]

Another hard day of outdoor work, but at least my sisters yard is looking pretty good. Found out from S18 that WW had filled out an employment application, but for whatever reason didn't want me to know. WTF? No idea why she wouldn't want me to know about that. I've been pushing her for years to get a good job, something full time. I would be thrilled to hear it. Who knows what kind of logic makes sense to a wayward though. Guess that's the kind of games we're playing with each other now. I'm not telling her about my recent offer either, at least not until the last minute. Probably wouldn't mention it at all, except for the fact of the kids being home alone for a couple of hours after school each day. I know that as soon as she hears, it's gonna be a big push on when to expect financial help again, and she's NOT getting any. She has assumed that the unemployment was the only reason up to this point. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to, but I'm not worried about it either. Sure, she'll be angry, but I guess what's new. Any time something doesn't go her way, she goes nuts. Pretty used to it by now.

Was talking with my sis a little more about WW, and she is still 100% convinced that there is a substance abuse issue. Remember, that is what sis does - substance abuse counselor for women. She says the behavior mimics a lot of her patients to the tee. The lies and deceptions, party life style, etc. It all fits. I have no idea, but anything is possible. Also starting to wonder if a typical WW just looks very similar to someone with substance abuse issues. Regardless, my sis still says that nothing is going to change with her behavior until she hits rock bottom, most likely meaning trouble with the law, or major health problems. She agrees that the change in personality has been going on for way too long to be a simple case of rushed judgement. The person she is now is just who she is, and who she will continue to be, without major consequences.

I go back and forth every day lately about how long I need to hold out before filing. I had initially set a deadline of next April but I don't know if I can wait that long. Right now, think I'm leaning more towards late January, and see if there are any indications of regret or change. That will get us through our first major holiday season apart, and give a taste of what life is going to be like from now on at that time of year. After filing, it's still another 6 months before everything is final, which would put me at around 15 months separated. I think that if there isn't some sort of sign by then, I will have given up hope. I feel like I'm still fairly young, and while I'm not in a huge rush to run out and find another woman, I just can't imagine going like this for 2 or 3 years and not even dating. Guess I've got plenty of time to decide though.

[dwh15]

Sort of feeling bummed today. Was busy all weekend and mostly kept my mind off WW, but back at home today with not much to do other than housework. I miss her like crazy. Sometimes I wish I could just be the friend that she wants, but I know it wouldn't be healthy for me. I'm still not detached enough, and she would use it to her advantage. Plus, I feel it sends her the wrong message that I am OK with just being friends. I want her to see me as a husband, not a gay boyfriend.

Maybe somewhere down the road, say another 2-3 years and everyone has fully moved on, I could be that friend. Of course by then, I may not even want that. Still hard to imagine that this is how it's going to be the rest of my life. Seeing my W for a couple of minutes while exchanging kids, or having a 2 minute convo once or twice a week. This is the woman I imagined growing old with. It's still so hard to cope sometimes. But I keep moving on, trusting that things will get better.

[AnotherStander]

As I think more about my sitch and the long, sorted history of WW, I really wonder if there is any chance we could ever be a complete family again. I mean, the trouble started almost 5 years ago, with what I now know to be the very first OM, in spite of her repeated denials. Since then, it has been a series of affairs, at least 4 OM that I can confirm, and possibly more I don't know about.

Woah! Well it is always possible, it's your choice when you want to quit standing, not hers. You can never have the same relationship you had before and you shouldn't seek that, your goal is a new relationship with a new you and new her. But 4 OM's, wow. It sounds like she has a lot of work to do to sort through why that is going on.

I just don't know if she will ever get better, at least not w/o some very serious professional help.

I agree.

I'm really starting to wonder if I should throw in the towel, file, and just move on.

That option is there whenever you choose to pursue it. I think 5 months is too soon for that though, you're still going through a lot emotionally and pursuing D will absolutely not make all the hurt and pain go away, it will probably make it worse. Wait until you feel like your emotions have stabilized and you're strong enough to move forward before making that decision. I would think it would take at least a year post-BD. For me it was even longer than that.

Found out from S18 that WW had filled out an employment application, but for whatever reason didn't want me to know. WTF? No idea why she wouldn't want me to know about that.

This is your new reality, get used to it! WAS's are extremely secretive about all things great and small. I think it's their way of separating themselves from the LBS.

I'm not telling her about my recent offer either, at least not until the last minute. Probably wouldn't mention it at all, except for the fact of the kids being home alone for a couple of hours after school each day.

Don't do things like this, be the better person. Let her play her games, you be the best you can be. If this affects the kids and your W's schedule, don't wait and spring it on her at the last minute (even though she might do that to you).

I go back and forth every day lately about how long I need to hold out before filing. I had initially set a deadline of next April but I don't know if I can wait that long. Right now, think I'm leaning more towards late January, and see if there are any indications of regret or change. That will get us through our first major holiday season apart, and give a taste of what life is going to be like from now on at that time of year. After filing, it's still another 6 months before everything is final, which would put me at around 15 months separated.

That seems like a more realistic schedule, in your previous post I thought you meant you were thinking about pursuing it ASAP.

I feel like I'm still fairly young, and while I'm not in a huge rush to run out and find another woman, I just can't imagine going like this for 2 or 3 years and not even dating.

I started dating a couple years post-BD and looking back I think I still should have waited longer. I wasn't ready even though I thought I was, and I ended up in some messy relationships because of it.

Guess I've got plenty of time to decide though.

You do indeed. I think we all feel rushed, we're not as young as we once were and we feel like we need to jump into a new relationship right away to fill that void in our life. But first we need to learn to be happy ALONE before we can be happy with someone else. And we have much more time than we realize, there's no hurry.

I want her to see me as a husband, not a gay boyfriend.

Actually that wouldn't be a bad thing. Usually it's referred to here as a "friendly neighbor" rather than gay boyfriend, but same concept. You should just try to be someone she feels like she can talk to and confide in without there being pressure for a relationship. Often that's how broken-up couples start falling in love again, they give up trying to work on their relationship and find comfort in just being friends. Then it grows from there.

Maybe somewhere down the road, say another 2-3 years and everyone has fully moved on, I could be that friend.

It's been 3 years for me and really my ex and I only recently started talking more like friends rather than co-parents. So it can take a while!

Still hard to imagine that this is how it's going to be the rest of my life.

Life is very, very unpredictable. None of us knows what the future holds. That can be frustrating when dealing with a WAS (we all just want to know "the ending" so we can plan accordingly, right?) But it can also be exciting. I really thought my life was over after BD. After all, I was 51, it wasn't like I could start over again. But now I realize it's not about starting over, it's about building a new life in whatever way, shape or form you want it to be. You want to sit at home and build models? Do it. You want to find a young, sexy girlfriend? Do it. You want to settle down with an older woman? Ride motorcycles? Skydive? Be a bodybuilder? Combo of the above? Well you get the point, you get to write your own future. You have all the power, you just haven't realized it yet. You're still codependent on your W, but you'll learn to break the bonds and regain the sexy, independent, confident man you once were

[dwh15]

Thank you for the thought out reply above AnothStand. Agree with everything you said. My point on the gay boyfriend thing was that right now, WW is all for it. And I realized I'm too attached for it to work. I was doing it in the hopes that it would bring us closer. And I do think it some ways it did, since we were talking more open and honest than we had in years. But she wanted to confide everything, including her troubles with OM, and I just couldn't take it. Plus, I realized she was using me to some extent to get favors and money. Think I need at least another few months of detachment before I can even try to tackle the "friends" approach. I do believe that WW and I will eventually get there, but for me, it will have to be after most of my romantic feelings are gone, and all the dust has settled on financial arrangements.

Based on history, my guess is that things are going to start to crumble with current OM within 18 months. I don't say that in hopes that it means she runs back to me, but it's a good general time frame of when I think my feelings will finally be in check, and she may be more level headed, rather than butterflies in the stomach over OM. Of course, I seem to change my mind every other day so who knows by then.

Quick update on latest events. My S15 has a birthday coming up this week so WW sent me a TM asking if I had plans for him. We exchanged a few TMs and came to an agreement that I would be taking him to lunch that day, and she would take him to dinner. She will also make a cake & ice cream and they will celebrate with my other kids that night. I agreed to chip in $15 towards the cost of his meal, and the cake supplies. She is really hurting for money, so I figured it sounded fair. I want S15 to spend time with mom that day, and the money was my idea - she didn't ask. It bums me out that we can't all celebrate as a complete family but need to get used to things working this way.