It has been nearly a decade, and I am back. There were indications last time that it was MLC. This time I am seeing it again. Maybe I am crazy. -meh I will DB
I was wondering what happened to a few things here (yes I know that it has been years) What happened to the prayer section of the forum? And where are the sermons that I so desperately want to read?
Problems have been going on for awhile, and I failed to remember all that I learned here. I did everything wrong, until the bomb. Then I only managed to fail for a short time. I am up and working on me, doing right by the kids and fixing what I can. This time Hubby is still home but he has told me that he is leaving, moving in with a friend. Who I have been told is not approving of the D. I want to ask him why he is taking H in, but I won't.
Again, It's been a long time and it sounds like your h didn't complete his crisis. So, it's back to dbing and whatever changes you make, are for you and must become permanent. You know the drill, give him space and time.
So, now that you've returned, what's been going on w/you?
Things have changed quite a bit since your last visit here. Purging came along several times and those forums that weren't being used as frequently as others were removed. You will find that many of the older postings are gone. The MLC Archives has been removed. As for the sermons, well...they are gone since that particular poster no longer posts here. Bottom line, the server can only hold so much info and then it has to be purged.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here (again). BTW, you may remember me as "snodderly".
Snodderly- the author of the sermons. You never posted during my prior tenure here. However I read every post that I could find of yours. I hope that things are well for you. Frankly I am starting from ground zero, i am just doing it faster in round 2. I really screwed up a lot. I have control issues, and was angry that the husband that I fantasized about didn't come home. he put me through hell. I kept praying, I kept looking for the man I knew a husband was supposed to be. (roll eyes and laugh) and I just got used to living in hell when all of a sudden one day he became nice. I was suspicious and I told him so. I didn't believe it. Except it lasted. it lasted a couple of years. Then when things were just ok and not great anymore my father got sick and then died. I turned very angry, I decided that H wasn't worth the bother. I would look at all my old DB stuff and say "too bad" I didn't really care about much, not my marriage, or any other aspect of my life. I took care of the kids, but that was about it. My H started living a single life again and I got angry at him for that. Things continued to deteriorate. then one day he moved into the guest room. We didn't talk for a week and then he asked for a D.
That's the short version. Basically, I don't know how much of it is his MLC (if at all) or if it is actually all my fault.
So I am working on me. I am in counselling- not sure if this guy is the right one, but I will give him 12 weeks before I decide to move to another. I am praying. hourly. I have done my personal inventory and I am seeking forgiveness for my part. I have not asked his family or friends for help. I am doing a 180. which is the polar opposite of going dark. I have kept the kids away from the house for most of the last month. They have been here when I know he won't be, but otherwise they have gone to camp or stayed with grandma. I am not ready for them to come around and see or hear that their parents are splitting. I am hurting alot because I feel like the kids are going to suffer for my sins. While life is not fair, they are innocent.
*I know that the whole thing is not my fault. I am just not in a spot to criticize H.
Then when things were just ok and not great anymore my father got sick and then died. I turned very angry, I decided that H wasn't worth the bother. I would look at all my old DB stuff and say "too bad" I didn't really care about much, not my marriage, or any other aspect of my life. I took care of the kids, but that was about it. My H started living a single life again and I got angry at him for that. Things continued to deteriorate. then one day he moved into the guest room. We didn't talk for a week and then he asked for a D.
It seems to me that you shut down emotionally and H felt like he wasn't a #1 to you in the M so he turned away after being rejected so many times. Can you blame him? This isn't about H's MLC. It is about HOW you coped after your father's death. I can understand how grieving comes in many forms and timelines vary from a person to person.
I think it's time for a come to Jesus talk with your H and own up to your role in pushing him away. And seek a MC who specializes in grief counseling for sometimes it can tear apart a M.
I think you've got me mixed up w/someone else because I never posted "sermons". Also, I have been posting on the forum since January of 2000.
I think your situation is a combination of both his MLC and the death of your father. It sounds like you have a difficult time after your father's death. You were grieving and your h left you to it. Going for counseling is the best thing for you at this time. You need a safe place to talk and figure out what you want in life and figure out how to deal w/your control issues.
The first step will be to learn to forgive yourself and then go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are very much correct that I am the majority of the problem. I did not actually grieve my father's death at all until recently. I am seeing a grief counselor. I am also seeking another counselor for my anxiety issues, which has turned into discussing my anger and dealing with that. I have apologized to my H for everything. I told him about my grieving or lack thereof, I thanked him for enduring my turmoil. I asked him to attend counseling with me. I told him that he was welcome to attend the counseling sessions that I was going to also. I further proposed that he stay in the home for the kids and that I would move to the guest room, and live under whatever conditions he imposed.
I could tell you the things that my H did but I don't intend to defend myself. I failed.
Sorry that I have you mixed up. My memory is not perfect. I recall someone posting what the rest of us called the sermons. Someone who was dealing with MLC in home. just basically the stages that she observed. It was helpful. In the end my H may have completed his MLC and none of it matters. As you may have gathered. This time around I am taking most of the blame. Not because my H was perfect, but because I knew what it took to keep things going and I quit doing it.
Again, Since you invited him to attend the counseling sessions w/you, did he say he would? What was his reaction to your apology?
I think you were also feeling some anger and resentment towards your h from years before when he acted out. Those issues have never been resolved and they raised their ugly little heads after your father's death and combined w/the grieving process, you shut your h out of your life for a period of time.
You are only human and we each grieve in our own way. Failed? I don't think so. Failing is when you just let him walk away and not try to apologize and make things work. I see you trying to make amends, trying to talk to him, inviting him to counseling sessions, etc. I see a woman who is trying to work things out and get back on track. That's not failure.
BTW, you are thinking of HeartsBlessing. She hasn't posted on the forum for a few years and without her permission, her "sermons" were not brought back after last year's purging. She based the stages on what Jim Conway had experienced during his own crisis w/what her h was doing. The stages and timelines were informative, but just a guideline and as we continue to point out, each person's crisis is unique and the timelines may differ.
Yes there was anger and resentment. I shut everyone out. Everyone. I have no intention on beating up my husband up, but there were things that he did recently. Please understand that I am here on MLC for a reason. Re: Counseling. the first time that I asked, he told me that had I asked 18 months ago he would have gone but now its too late. He also pointed out that we tried counseling once and that I quit and he went by himself ( this is totally not true- we did start with a counselor, actually 3 although he only remembers one- I reminded him of what happened and he gave me another excuse about how our marriage has never been good and there is no point in counselling.) I then resolved to make an appointment for myself. I told him that I had and he was welcome to come. he did not respond. The next time was after the apology -same conversation. I told him that my counselor would like him to attend to help with insight about me, which is exactly what my counselor told me to tell him. He said "I don't want to beat you up."
I gave this some thought overnight. Honestly I went through a ton with my H and perhaps there is some MLC still going on, perhaps not. Right now I am working on me. In a vastly different way than I did my last time through. Part of my reason for coming back to DB is because I am thinking about the ways to make the changes permanent. I need to have a support group. I want to be better for the rest of my life. It is not about changing him, its about changing me.
If I belong in a different forum, or off the board entirely, I am open to suggestions.
Why do you think that there may be some MLC still going on? Is it because he's going out and having fun or something else?
You have to decide what you want to change/improve on about yourself and then start working on those goals. Make a list. If you should see things that need a professional to help you w/them, then I would begin searching for someone to assist you in those areas.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
P.S. I realize that you are not new however thought I would give you this anyways.
Job Please understand that this is not easy for me, I am walking a fine line because I don't want to be critical or bad mouth my H. Generally he is hanging out with 18-29 year olds, he is not happy (per his words) with anything his job, his body, our relationship. he has been looking for a new job for over a year and has not been successful. In June he was testing for a job in Texas, was planning on our family moving there. All of the jobs seem to be out of state. He has told me that he is hopeful that changing something will make him happy. He joined a gym (did that last time he left too) He signed up to run a marathon, last year and again this year. He didn't get in shape to run the marathon last year, so he didn't go. and I don't think that he can run a 5k yet for this years marathon in Nov. There is so much more than I could say, but I do not want to criticize him. I just don't feel good doing that.
Again, Thank you for explaining just a bit as to why you think MLC is hanging around in your situation. Stating the facts as you see them w/your h, i.e., some of his behaviors is not criticizing him, but it did help me to understand why you thought the MLC elephant was still in the room. He's definitely searching for that illusive happiness land. I'm sorry to see he's searching once again.
I'm glad Cadet came back around and provided you w/the links. AmyC is a wonderful lady who provided much support to the posters during her time here.
How are you doing today? What are your plans for today?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I keep very busy, Not many choices we have 3 boys in middle school. I have been staying detached and moving along. Its been more than a month and my H hasn't established a time that we are going to tell the kids yet. As I am no rush to hurt them and this is his decision, I am not going to schedule the time for him. In the meantime he is putting all his efforts into making a new life, and I see nothing different. I talked to my FIL last night, we are friends and talk often, scheduling things (parenting time) came up because he offered to help with my driving needs. I just discovered that FIL and H are supporting each other in an endeavor to fix FIL's mistakes in his D from MIL. I made a comment about a soccer game and that if H can be there I would not try to keep him away just as I would not expect my H to try to keep me away from the extracurricular activities. FIL told me that I was not seeing clearly and was trying to ruin h's parenting time because I am desperate to spend more time with H. I will accept that he thinks that I am desperate. He doesn't see everything, but I will take it as a GAL nudge. I don't think that 2 parents being at a soccer game, or a band concert or any other event is ruining things for one of the parents. It is doing right by the kids. My FIL never saw his kids after the D and did not reconnect with my H until after we were married. My H really thinks that D will be fine so long as the part that hurt him is fixed, the part where he never saw his dad. He is too blind by that to see that there were, or could have been, other issues. He never had to think about which parent to do things with or give things to because he only had one around. I imagine that at some point he stopped thinking about what his dad was doing on Christmas, maybe not. But when we started dating, it was I who got him involved in being with family at all on Christmas. He was spending them alone. Now I am faced with kids that will be picking a house for Christmas. Sorry, but that is not a good thing, and if they are with me, and my H wants to come, so be it, its for the kids not me. I can tell you from my last go round, that H coming to events, parties, whatever, is not spending time with him. We don't need to talk to each other, just be there for the kids. On a side note my H went searching to buy his "red convertible" - a red convertible would have been more practical -- I think that I am the only one that didn't tell him that he was making a stupid choice.
