Last edited by Cadet; 08/15/1503:00 PM. Reason: Links
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
So a slight movement in my situation. But not nessisarily a good one? I good friend of mine had XF over last night. Just to catch up and go for dinner as they haven't seen each other in months. I just got a warning call to let me know that she is thinking about coming home?!?! But for all the wrong reasons... She's broke and sees financial stability here!
Time to get my boundaries and conditions in line because it's not gonna be as easy as she seems to think. She made the comment it isn't for me or that she wants to be with me, only for the security! I thought I would be excited to hear something like this but it's almost like salt in the wound.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
After sitting and digesting this new information for a while, I believe it could be a positive direction? By no means will the struggle be over. It will actually just be beginning if this turns out to be true.
It would hopefully open up some better communication. It could give me the open door to show the man I can be. It would also allow me to put out there what I need in a relationship no matter who it is with.
I honestly think it is too soon for anything like this. There will be no moving right back into my house. No cake eating. Lots of transparency (both ways). And I will need to see genuine effort from her to not just have security, but to want a relationship!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Hi Uphill, is the house yours or do you co-own it? If it is yours, I would think carefully about agreeing to a return on these terms. She's saying she doesn't want the R back - but she's broke and you offer security. If you co-own the house, she can presumably choose to reside there and you would need to choose whether to remain or move out.
I think you maybe need some vet input on this one. Whilst there may be more opportunities to 'showcase' Uphill and the man he is becoming, you'll also know how challenging in-house separations can be.
I would really think about what you want here and get some advice from the forum before agreeing to a move back in.
JMHO of course...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Time to get my boundaries and conditions in line because it's not gonna be as easy as she seems to think. She made the comment it isn't for me or that she wants to be with me, only for the security! I thought I would be excited to hear something like this but it's almost like salt in the wound.
Can you believe the audacity!
This is your one chance to set this in the right direction. If you take her back under her terms, she will NEVER be attracted to you again, and will use you worse than a doormat. You need to be hard to get. Let her chase you, for a change. Make her work for it. Do not let her back easily.
She doesn't get to break off the engagement and then just announce she's coming back, and expect you to jump in the air & click your heels together.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh I agree with both of you whole heartedly! This has not been actually mentioned to me, but to a close friend of both of ours who she was with last night.
The home is in my name so I have all the power in the world if the tide shifts! I will not bend easily. So much hurt and damage has been done. It will take changes and time...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Firm & wary, but she is also the mother of your S, so keep that in mind. Focus on the I'm moving on w/ my life. I've kept the door cracked, but at this point I'm not just going to take you back in without evidence that things have changed on your end and that you show over time that you are really committed to do the hard work to work out our issues and rebuild our relationship.
You aren't going to turn the mother of your S out onto the streets (I suspect), but there are other paths that keep her out of your house until she has shown that she is committed & working on her ways to build trust that this isn't just a temporary thing and then she takes off.
And whatever assistance you might offer is always done "I'm offering this help for the sake of our son. The door is not closed to reconciliation, but I'm not sure I can trust you or that you are capable of being in a healthy relationship with me."
Obviously listen & validate her sob story, but then bring out the sympathetic but firm, resolved, self-respecting Uphill that she sees in a different light. One that she has to woo back and prove herself to. But one who still cares and as long as she's not blowing her money on addictions or MLC type stuff, is willing to look creatively at solutions that don't involve her moving back in yet, or even soon.
Good luck. And yes, it is galling.
So, which approach do you expect: (1) poor pitiful me; or (2) seduction and manipulation?
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Honestly it will prolly consist of a combination of both? I honestly think if it was not for S4 I would let her fall right on her face. Then after she sees how bad that is let her start proving herself. If I offer assistance such as monetary for her bills I think she would stay the course where she is at.
As far as moving back in, not happening anytime soon. I will need time to digest things and make sure she is putting forth plenty of effort.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Or she may have also just said that to check a reaction and see if it got back to me? I'm not showing any hint of knowing and just seeing what happens...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Uphill, I agree that you can't let her back too easily. Just be careful not to overdo it. You don't want to shame or punish her. But you do not to make sure she's coming back for you and not just because she has no other choice.
