Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[Vanilla]

Dwh,

That's some disclosure 2 more As, is this something you trust? Everybody knew? I doubt it. Though why would she tell friends. It's very odd behaviour to own up to, but my WH did the same, even showed others his online dating profile.

If you feel that there is truth there then is there any way to prove this? Intel not snooping.

I am very sad if it's the case, this is very hard to know. Yes I discovered the same about my WH, OWs and POWs too numerous to mention. In some ways it makes life easier in the D.

I have to say this, go get tested if you are at risk. It's important for your health and the wellbeing of your family unit. I can say that as this is something I had to do recently. It was my final spell breaker. Go figure.

Remember this process is about you whether you repair your R or no. Your journey is just beginning, please keep sharing and posting. You have much to offer and I for one want to support you in your journey. Not all of us repair our M but we do ourselves.

V

[dwh15]

After thinking about it for a while, I'm tempted to ask my W to have a conversation tomorrow. Since I no longer wish to save the M, I do not wish to continue playing this NC game. I think the kids would be better served, and the 2 of us as well, if we could actually establish a working relationship, maybe even a casual friendship. I know that she often feels lonely, and I feel that I could perhaps be a positive influence in her life. I will need to set some firm boundaries, such as no asking for money or big favors. But primarily just someone to talk with. Yes, that maybe turns me into the gay boyfriend, but as I said, I see no future with us romantically at all. I think I would rather just have her open up and confess it all, try to forgive her, and move into a new relationship.

I also hope that would allow us to discuss the custody issues in a non-confrontational matter. I still plan on going after 100% custody of at least 2 of my boys, and a good percentage of my youngest. I plan on being firm, and if she chooses to fight me in court, then we will have to have that battle. But I'm hoping that we can resolve everything in an adult manner. Amazingly, I feel somewhat sorry for my W. I really feel that she has major issues and needs therapy. I hope that somehow I can lead her in that direction, and help in whatever way I might, to make her a better mother. It's amazing how liberating it feels to know that my decision is made. It has been a very hard road the past few months, but I am confident that God has a plan for me, and it will all work out in the end.

[dwh15]

Dwh,

That's some disclosure 2 more As, is this something you trust? Everybody knew? I doubt it. Though why would she tell friends. It's very odd behaviour to own up to, but my WH did the same, even showed others his online dating profile.

If you feel that there is truth there then is there any way to prove this? Intel not snooping.
V

I believe these friends of mine. They have no reason to lie, and one of the OM I had already strongly suspected. To hear them mention his name was the final confirmation I needed. The other one I had no idea about but they would have no reason to make up yet another man, on top of the known three. The reason W confessed to them is because she sort of got caught in the act of talking to one of the OM on the phone at her friends house. The very same friend I spoke with tonight. I never spoke of this before, but that same OM had actually called me years ago and told me he and WW had been having an A for 2 years. She denied it, and convinced me that he was crazy, which I eventually ended up believing. But enough different people have mentioned his name that I no longer have doubts.

It's a very sad tale, but the reality appears to be that my poor W has been seeking extra-marital comfort for nearly 5 years. I am positive of at least 3 men, have no reason to doubt a 4th, and given the history, would not be surprised that there were many more. I have no idea what changed in her to become this way. She certainly was nothing like this when we met and for the first several years of our M. Even these same friends I spoke with thought the same. At some point, it's as if she snapped, and has been living a secret life for a long time.

I just don't see how I can ever look beyond the years of betrayal and lies. I really do feel sorry for her, and care about her. I don't want to see her continue this path, which I fear ends up very badly for her, possibly even with her attempting to hurt herself. I want my children to have a mother and a good relationship with her. But I could never trust her again. I would be wondering where she went and who she was with every time she was out of sight. I could have forgiven a single OM, or in this case, even the two that I knew about. But this pattern of years indicates a serious underlying mental or moral issue, and I have no idea if it can ever be repaired. I will continue to be the best father I can be, as I am the only stable parent my kids have right now. And I know that I am going to be fine.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

A co parenting arrangement definitely. friendly certainly but friendship?

Frankly not your job, WW has created her own mess and bed, sacked you as her H.

Trying to resolve WW issues is her job, not yours. Talking on kids admin, yes but discussions on her mental health, trying to guide etc. Looks like control to me, maybe the best intentions and she is the mother of your children, but she has been living the single life for 5 years. Her choice and no longer your role to stop her from being lonely, WW has to discover there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Only she can fill the empty hole in her soul, not you or any OM or her children.

It shows that As burn out in a couple of years.

I am not surprise you snoop, you have been lied to multiple times but the truth always outs in the end.

In due course, a smart sassy, someone only a fool would leave guy, is going to want a new R. This will interfere with that somewhere. Crazy exes are no idea of fun, managed co parenting is different.

This is not your bag, let WW deal with this, getting involved can be an issue. It's lengthens the drama and it stops WW having to come to terms with herself. If she has disordered then the less involvement you haven hen the less damage to you and your boys. Arms length until recovery, NC other than kids looks good to me.

Time to let go and WW to live her dream, empty though it is. You can still stand for new M and for you. If WW ever resolves her issues and seeks new R, that is a decision for then. This is more than an addiction to an unsuitable OM, it is a path of behaviour that needs professional counselling. Not your job role any more. By attempting you delay the crash which isn't helpful to WW.

These are my thoughts and 2c.

V

[Vanilla]

And I thought I had added a paragraph but looks like my edit time ran out.

Nothing you did, absolutely nothing you said, caused WW to go wayward. She misled you and deliberately, if she was unhappy then resolve it, don't just cheat.

She made a choice to be that way. Poor WW indeed, this WW is going to have a big surprise. Expect anything.

V

[WhyUs]

dwh15,

I hate this for you. I agree with what V is saying on the issue of what should be discussing with WW. I would also say that before having this discussion give it a few days. You have just learned some very hurtful things about WW. You do not want your emotions getting in the way of what should an otherwise calm, business like discussion with WW. I would also consider talking to L before saying something to WW. Playing your cards close to your chest is very important. If you want that type of custody agreement she does not need to know. Her L will start preparing to defend her based on that knowledge. The less information shared, the better when it comes to preparing for court.

I just went through this and know that even the smallest of details or hints of information can hurt your chances in court. I am sure you have read this on the board several times, treat it like a business deal. You do not reveal anything you do not have to. You are not going to be able to reason with WW or scare her into not taking you to court. She already knows her position. She does not need to know that you know it as well.

[Vanilla]

I agree with all WhyUs is saying.

V

[dwh15]

Thanks for the replies V and Why. After sleeping, or rather NOT sleeping, on it, I agree with you guys. Trying to have any sort of relationship with my W other than as a coparent right now is not good for her or for me. She needs to feel the full consequences of her choices, and I'm going to delay that action with any sort of friendship on my part. Also, I realize that even though I have decided I don't want the M anymore, I am not totally detached yet. It's going to take another few weeks, or maybe months. For now, plan is to keep with DBing, as I think it will really help me grow as a person, father, and friend. Plus, I am hopeful that it will speed along the eventual emotional crash of my W and persuade her to seek some professional guidance. I really do hope she gets help, if nothing more than the sake of my kids having a stable mother. Will keep posting as details unfold.

[dwh15]

Dwh
It shows that As burn out in a couple of years.
V

I forgot to comment on this quote. V, funny you should mention that, because when I look back at the history, every OM that WW has been with last 18-24 months, or less. I expect no difference with current OM. It's only around 5 months in, and probably feels new, exciting, etc. but she is going to hit the same milestone with him eventually, and start to realize it wasn't the dream she thought she had.

The big difference this time is that she's going to be divorced, and not have me or my financial support to fall back on. And, depending on how it goes with the court, she may lose a lot of access to her children before that time comes. No idea how that will impact her, but it's going to feel like a bottomless pit compared to how she had it before.

The other problem is that she has burned friendships like crazy through this process. I am reconnecting with people who used to be mutual friends, but that now despise WW. It seems to be a nasty pattern with her in the past few years, where she has major fallouts with friends, and then just writes them off. So while my social circle is expanding daily, WW is down to only a couple of what I would call true friends. She knows a lot of other people through current OM, but those are all his friends, and would likely not remain in contact if/when those two break it off. Really is going to be a sad, lonely path she has to tread.

[Vanilla]

Dwh,

It seems your WW behaviour is public knowledge and possibly gossip, as is my WH. You may wish to prepare vulnerables on the matter so the story is straight forward. This may include family members and your children.

Making huge affair busts isn't my thing, however lies and deception should never be supported, it's inauthentic for you. I have not hidden my WH behaviour from anyone, and will discuss it if questioned. I have challenged WH OW#largeno that I call the Fishwife. I have visited a POW and turned her into a casual friend CF.

His sister, brother , parents all know and WH doesn't care, he still blames W. Now i can hold my head up and I have no fear, it's public.

In your case I think it will emerge that your WW is very lost and her few female friends are likely to either only be solos or see her socially in women only groups.

V