as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 2)

[asitis]

Such wise words. So well said.

Thanks HeavyD. They are fairly standard Buddhist training once you learn the basics of meditation and start learning to investigate yourself and living by the psychological and ethical insights, so I can't really claim credit for them.

They work, but they don't remove the pain or the struggles. They just make them less powerful & likely to take control of you and make you do stupid sh*t, as well as help you keep your focus on what needs to be done right there in front of you.

I may come across as having my sh*t together, but trust me, I struggle royally at times just like the rest of us, and it is always easier when you are helping w/ someone else's sitch than your own. That, and I learn a lot that helps w/ my own sitch from seeing things in other's that I have trouble catching w/ my own if I weren't doing that. So, giving & receiving help are intimately intertwined.

[Uphill]

Just stopped by to catch up on your ditch a little. It sounds like you handle yourself very well from what I've read. I will start from the beginning when I get home tonight

[asitis]

Oh I struggle just like anyone. As I said, it is much easier to see things in other people's sitch than your own. Nobody is pushing your buttons, for one. There's a reason therapists go to others for therapy rather than trying to deal w/ their problems themselves.

[gonegrl]

I will try it. Although my brain doesn't shut off, so this will be a good practice for me. I used to do yoga and could never get the meditation part. But I am a little older now and have more emotions to sort out, I will give it a shot. It seems to be working for you!

[asitis]

I will try it. Although my brain doesn't shut off, so this will be a good practice for me. I used to do yoga and could never get the meditation part. But I am a little older now and have more emotions to sort out, I will give it a shot. It seems to be working for you!

Yoga meditation is a bit different than the typical instructions in Buddhist meditation, but just know that your brain doesn't shut off easily. So if when your mind takes off, don't view it as a bad thing, as the practice is learning to catch yourself then bring it back to your focus. Again, and again, and again. One teacher (Pema Chodron) has a wonderfully titled book: Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better. In Buddhist meditation, the point isn't to bliss out, but to learn over months and years to still the mind and experience what is right here now.

Trust me, I have an incredibly active mind. It took about a year of almost daily meditation, plus other practices, and 6 or 7 intense weekend retreats before my mind really settled down. That's not to discourage you. You'll start to see some benefits right away, but they are subtle. It is better to meditate 5 minutes a day than try to get it in once & a while. That is hard to do. My best advice is to set a daily alarm on your phone for a time that is usually good to find that 5-10 minutes. You don't have to sit just then if something is happening, but you are reminded that you want to sit at some point in the next couple hours.

So, the basic instruction is to sit comfortably, but upright (either chair or cross-legged or half/full lotus). Focus on your breathing either in the belly expansion or the tip of your nose (as it moves across your nose hair). You can count your breaths to 10 & then start over at 1, or you can just follow your breaths. If breaths don't work for you other focuses are to pick out a sound in the traffic and focus on it or focus on maintaining your upright posture. When your mind wanders, gently, & without judgment bring your attention back to your focus object. That's it. Simple. But it is very hard to do. Don't let yourself get frustrated. Again it is not about blissing out. It is boring & your ego mind/sense of self will jump up and down to get you to look at it (called monkey mind) or you'll go off into fantasy, worry about future, or regurgitation of the past. That's the way it is, and it's normal.

The other thing to add to this is mindful activity. Pick one thing you do everyday (it can be small & seemingly insignificant) and really focus on it. Try to experience it fully. Especially the body sensations.

[asitis]

Curious conundrum I'm puzzling through.

On one hand DB coach is encouraging me to invite W along occasionally when I do something fun w/ the boys. I'm to be casual, 'hey we're going to be doing this, & thought the boys would enjoy having you along,' and not be at all miffed at rejections. She says I'm infusing the stage that follows the dust settling phase that I'm doing so well on. I asked, isn't that pursuit? She says not if I treat it casually. The idea is that even rejection plants the seed that there are no strings, no pressure, and that a friendship based on mutual pleasure is possible. I'm still somewhat hesitant, although I have extended an invitation once.

On the other side, my IC thinks this is too fraught for both of us, and possibly the kids. The idea is that when one is moving away from a deep attachment relationship, rules & clear boundaries are important to avoid mixed messages & difficulty detaching further/later. Those rules can get relaxed w/ time, but that she thinks it is much to early to start relaxing them. This is basic attachment theory (my comment, not IC's), and makes a lot of sense for a healthy movement away from a broken attachment bond.

So, I'm left w/ competing advice from DB coach vs. IC. Both are very strong on their views here.

Thoughts?

[PigPen]

That's a tough one As. However, I'd go with your DB coach. I think it's kind of like listening to your Primary Care Physician or your Oncologist. Both may be right, both may be wrong, but the oncologist has seen thousands of specific cases.

When my DB coach said, I've personally talked to hundreds of WAW's, I knew his thoughts held weight over anything anyone else was telling me.

You're still a family too and have kids in the mix, so I think it shows that you're not specifically pursuing her (if you were just asking her out to spend time with you), but pursuing a healthy family event.

My 2c.

PP

[gonegrl]

I agree with Pigpen. Maybe you could do it but start with something very small. Proceed slowly and put the brakes on if you notice that your confidence is waivering? You seem like you are doing really well and maybe this would be a good "test" - just proceed with caution.

[asitis]

I've already had 2 tries at this. The first was a couple weeks ago, when I texted her to invite her to join us know she would likely turn it down, and put it like it was a random brain fart & no big deal. She thanked me (she didn't get it in time, as she is really bad at keeping her phone where she gets texts in a timely manner, and I know this is not an act) for the invite w/ an exclamation point, and I responded that I'm glad she had a relaxing break (she had had the kids for a longer than usual time).

The second was when she had to come over to watch the kids so I could go to a discussion group I've been involved in (movies, and we've seen some great ones - alas I will have to stop going once the semester starts, as I have an evening class - Da*n that seems weird to say at my age). I was making humus & pita (I make my own - much better than the store-bought stuff), and she had left me w/ no garlic and hadn't told me she used it up. I called & said could she come about 10 minutes early and bring some garlic from the apartment & I'd eat after my meeting. She said, I was just looking at the leftovers I was going to eat & they had gone bad. So I said, there will be enough if she wants to just come over to eat & bring the garlic (it was her 1st time having my homemade pita). She did just that.

The thing is that I know from her that her IC has told her to not do family activities so that the kids don't get false hopes of mom & dad getting back together (her & my IC were trained in the same social work program, so not surprising that they are on the same page). Older son did seem to have some difficulties, but that might have been a low blood sugar thing (he has a touch of Asperger's syndrome, and one of the symptoms is that they don't pay attention to their hunger well). So, W has a hesitancy on this anyway.

On the other hand, I'm also doing more showing that I'm going my own direction in ways that she knows about. So she is seeing me building a life totally outside our M at the same time I very casually make an invite.

Back to the con: (1) attachment theory really is well supported by the neuropsycholgical and clinical evidence for most things; (2) it jibes w/ my understandings of relationships & human psychology; (3) there is a dearth of studies on its applicability in MC, but the application of the theory & evidence is supports my ICs; & (4) it seems to be fitting w/ the no pursuit, detachment approach of DBing.

[asitis]

So we were talking/commiserating/joking about how we missed sex & wrestling w/ desire for our WAWs (until lonelee came in and started telling us about coffee ). One of the gripes was missing out on the supposed great breakup sex. I thought I'd pass along a comment from my IC.

She said that her experience has been that in even hostile, messy Ds, she thinks the average is about two times that the couples have sex. We started joking that I got short changed.

I'd really love a coffee or two.