Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[dwh15]

Journaling:
Slept pretty well, but had a strange dream about WW. We were all at my mother's for some get-together and she was there as well, off doing her own thing. Noticed her hanging around with some seedy group of guys I had never seen before, and lost track of her. Then I panicked and ran around asking everyone where she went. Nobody knew a thing. After a few minutes of frantically searching all over the place, I woke up. And then just felt depressed. I think the lack of communication is really hitting me hard. I have never went this long before w/o talking to my W on a daily basis. I so badly want to just send a text and ask how she's doing, but I know I don't dare. Think I'll go hug my boys to make me feel better. Man, this [censored].

[WhyUs]

Dwh,

I have felt that exact same way. If it was not court ordered that my WW and me don't communicate I would have sent her texts. I just know if I could not have stopped myself. Your doing good. Self discipline is very diffiucult during this time. Perhaps you should imagine a judge putting you in contempt of court if you text her. That may make it a little easier to resist.

[dwh15]

Dwh,

I have felt that exact same way. If it was not court ordered that my WW and me don't communicate I would have sent her texts. I just know if I could not have stopped myself. Your doing good. Self discipline is very diffiucult during this time. Perhaps you should imagine a judge putting you in contempt of court if you text her. That may make it a little easier to resist.

You got court ordered not to communicate? Wow! I guess in some ways I feel lucky that although my WW has definitely went off the deep end of mental stability, so far she hasn't really shown any desire to be vindictive or hurtful. I can't imagine how much worse that would make me feel. It's bad enough just knowing that she doesn't seem to care.

I feel I've been doing well on restraining myself, but I do reply to TMs that she sends. I always keep it short and to the point, usually about kids. She contacted me 2 days ago just to confirm plans for kids that night, and I expect it will probably be the same today. Sad enough, it will probably make me feel a little better even getting those 1 or 2 messages. I really wish I had a way to know how she was feeling, but it's difficult to discern when you don't spend any time together at all. The kids usually tell me that she seems happy, or maybe a little stressed, but I chalk that up to worries about money. It's so difficult to keep going, but I am hoping that it does get easier as time passes. I feel that it has gotten a little easier in past couple weeks, but definitely still a huge challenge.

[dwh15]

Had a job interview today which went pretty well. I expect I'll probably get an offer. It's one of those things I'm just dying to tell my W but know that I can't. This just kills me. I'm excited about good news, and I can't share it with the person I love more than anything in this world. I really hate this process sometimes. I know it's for the best, but it's just so hard.

[dwh15]

Well, I think that my WW is getting ready to file for D. I'm still paying for her cell and check the logs, looking for stuff just like this. She had a 15 minute call to an attorney this afternoon. I feel like I just got punched in the gut. I'm crying one minute and angry the next. If she goes ahead with filing, I'm not sure that I will want to R.

I know that for her, it's all about getting financial support, and she knows she's not getting any until a court order is issued. What gets me is that she knows I'm unemployed with limited funds, and taking care of the kids 95% of the time. But she's so self centered, all she can think about is her own problems. She's living with a guy who she was ready to leave just a couple of weeks ago, and he actually told her ILYBNILWY. For THAT, she's willing to give up 24 years with someone who would die for her. I feel like dying right now.

[dwh15]

Also, assuming I get served, I'll be fighting for near full custody of my boys. I've got detailed logs going back 2 months that show WW has spent next to no time with them. My attorney seemed confident that, given the history, I had a very good chance at full custody. She will likely end up paying me support, not the other way around. It's not how I wanted to handle things, but if this ends up being the way she wants to play, I'm not laying down for it. No idea how that ends up interfering with DB techniques or chance of R, but honest at this point I don't care. If she comes after me, I WILL protect myself and my kids, at any cost. I know that MDW recommends mediation over attorneys in D proceedings, but I'm not the one firing the first shot.

[CaliGuy]

dwh

I am of the opinion when it does come to this .. the fantasy the WAS has in their heads needs a good hot reality shower. This would be that time. Absolutely fight for your kids.

[late30s]

DWH you have done a great job so far. You and I are on about the same time line and I feel like you are decades ahead of me.

One thing I would say, let go of the snooping. Get off of FB or least get her off of your FB. Don't look into her cell logs. You don't know the context of the conversations and you are just mind reading. You need to let go of the snooping for you. That is one area I have had a lot of success with and let me tell you, it feels awesome to not even have the desire to snoop anymore. All it did for me was create more stress. It helps you so much to stop doing it.

I feel your pain. I wish you nothing but the best.

One thing I'd like to say as well. I just finished reading both of your threads. You are a strong man. I believe you will be one of the inspirational people around here.

[dwh15]

Thank you for the support guys. late30, such kind words. You are right, I need to let go of the snooping. It's the one area I have really struggled with, but the thing with the call logs had to do with trying to keep up with her possibly filing. She has mentioned it a couple of times and I thought better to be prepared that it may be coming than get blind sided. When I first saw that same number pop up about 3 weeks ago, it's what prompted me to go speak with my own attorney, and he gave me plenty of good advice. I guess at this point, I may as well assume that papers could be coming any day, and not worry about the rest now. It's clear that WW is still living in la la land, and only worrying about herself. The good news is that I think that realization is going to give me the strength to detach even further, and really start to move on. It would be a relief in a lot of ways.

[dwh15]

Well everyone, I got some new information tonight that totally changes my goals. I no longer wish to stay married. Ran into some old friends tonight who have known WW and myself for a long time. Turns out that in addition to the 2 affairs I already knew about, there were 2 more years ago. And a lot of people knew about it, just not me apparently. Guess she had quite the reputation at a couple of local bars. It made me sick to my stomach hearing about it. But they say she confessed everything to them. Funny how nobody ever wants to tell you the truth until it's way too late.

So no way could I ever look at her the same again, or trust her. She has some serious mental issues, and needs therapy. I will be going for full custody of all my children, as I honestly do not trust the judgement of my WW. I plan to keep DBing, in the spirit of improving myself and my children's lives. I really hope that my W gets some some therapy and straightens out her life, just for her kids sake. But I won't be standing by her as her H. There is way too much damage that has went on for way too long to ever rebuild. The sheer amount of dishonesty is overwhelming.

So good luck to all still in the fight. I will continue reading and posting updates, but with the intention of getting myself through the process. I hope that maybe WW and I can some day be friends, IF she ever gets the help she needs. I am so sad, yet in a way relieved. I pray for myself, my children, and even my WW that we all find peace and happiness.