Signing the Big D - What to do Next?

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto and RD, as usual you always come to my rescue. Thank you so much for being there for me.

Sotto, I am really sorry to hear about the filing. Well, you see what is happening to my XH. I heard from Stander recently that sometimes people need to go to the extreme of D to just figure things out and most of the time they will regret what they did.

I was even reading some statistics about this and it is amazing how so much more researches are being made on re-marriages. It's alarming that couples break up and even D. Just to get back together a few years down the road.

Yes, I hear you and I think that is the best I can do right now. But I also know that I am just human and I confess that sometimes it is very hard to be strong, wait. Sometimes I feel like saying to him that if he wants to work on the R then we can talk and if he does not, so go fly a kite.

Well, I know better that it is baby steps, if I decide to stick to this.

RD, my lovely, could not help and spoke about my good friend that helps me to get through a lot of my issues. No details, H does not need that. Told him about you saying that it seems like your neighbors are dropping dirty laundry at your house.

I laughed and said that I feel very close to you since we are going through the same stuff. H asked me how did I meet you, well, none of your business.

I get your words about XH. But I also do not trust all what he is saying to me. For example, he is going to France but he is not planning to see OW? Really? First, he does not need to say anything to me, why? because we are divorced. His life is his business and I do not need to know anything and much less he needs to tell me this stuff.

The point here is that he is going there, he could easily say he can't right now, his brother would understand. H probably got a foot on his rear and he will maybe try one last time to see if things can work between then.

And that is the part that I am very tired already. H just go to hell you and your OW.

There is a say that there is a thin line between love and hate and I can say now that it is very true.

Take care RD.

Love,
Pink

[PigPen]

Oh my goodness Pink, what an emotional roller coaster your XH is on.
You must be exhausted beyond measure.

Please allow yourself some time to breathe and heal. I pray that your XH has the respect for to you give you a bit of space, for the good of both of you. He sounds like he is spinning in circles never knowing where he is going to land or where he will be in the circle when he runs into you.

How unfair for you. I'm sending you all the strength I have in me, just reading your post left me exhausted!

PP

[PT33]

Pink I have read a lot of your posts, but may not have the full story. From what you said he said it sounds like he wants try again, even though he didn't directly say it. It sounds like he has done a lot of reflection and he can at least identify his issues and what he has done wrong, which a lot of people can never do. It also sounds like he has a lot of work to do on making himself healthy before he can even think of starting over with you. And I think that is something that you would have to see before you put yourself through anything again. I could be totally off though...

[Pink17]

Hi PP and PT, thanks for stopping by and helping me.

PP - XH has been in this crazy journey since 2013. Since then I insisted that H would get some help, asked him to go to MC and he always said NO to every attempt.

Finally I left it alone and did not engage in this subject anymore. Well, I think that's when he tough I gave up on him as he keep saying it to me. So the emotional roller coaster is going on for a long, very long time already.

PT - Yes, it is all like that. XH is saying all this stuff, he is even a lot wormer towards me now. Before, his texts were all logistic and now he even make a point to ask if I got some rest and if my neck was still feeling OK.

But, what can I do? He says all this but he did not say he wants to work on the M?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO... and that is it. I don't have a clue of what to do.

We got divorced and I need my space, move forward, etc... so that is what I am doing. Not too hard for a person like me. I am already very independent. It hurts, but I can do it.

But then XH has pursuing more now then before... just that pursuing but not committing. What can I do? How do you DB here. Do I show myself all neighbor and disconnect. Do I continue being somewhat friendly, not saying a word about R or M or the past, even if he says it constantly.

Do I set straight boundaries and ask H to disappear?

We have teenagers, but he insist that he always needs to talk to me about dates and times with the kids.

I already said to him to just call the boys and they would tell me, but XH does not listen and do not respect it either.

I spoke w/my lawyer and he said that H is not doing anything wrong and for the court he is just showing he has a good will to work with me in co parenting well.

Do I engage with him in all this R talks and ask if he would go to counseling? I don't want to initiate anything.

I feel that he is the one that left me and he should be the one the talk first. In his crazy head he thinks I was the one that left him first, he just put name on things, made it official.

Maybe now, I am more lost then XH. Besides, since he did not say with all the words that he would like to work on his marriage, how do I know if he is just saying all this but won't come back?

I don't know what to think. How can he say all this and yet don't say anything really clear? Maybe he is also getting the same message from me. I also said that I loved him a lot and that I did not show it to him the right way.

I said I am and was very proud of him, that he is a good man and he was always a good father and a good provides for our family.

But he also hear that I am looking for a new job and maybe out of Colorado, he knows I am going out with friends. He knows there is a guy that is always trying to go out on a date and I just do not want anything to do with him right now.

You see, because I don't know what to do, I feel that it is better if I just go away. Maybe if I put distance on all this, everything will be resolved.

Any, but really any advice is welcome. I just feel so lost. I have many whys, but one that is hard now, is why it is all happening now. I thought that the D would solve things for awhile, that we would be just business like and move forward.

Thanks,
Pink

[Zelda09]

Hiya Pink,

I feel you. I went back and forth with my own head, wondering what H's thoughts were, esp as he was claiming to certain people that I was the one that wanted the D. (No! Must try to talk with him about this! Must reach out!...barf)

Remember you're not responsible for his feelings or actions and these are big boys. And the advice I intend to take next time - "he's gotta love you a little more than you love him if it's gonna work"

I know it's torturous to wonder if you're missing out an opportunity to bring them back, like deep down they want to be back? I get it.

Just keep being you, authentically, I think. If it's enough to draw him all the way back, then you guys can start there, and I imagine he'd speak up for himself, but don't you dare to the work for him after he's made this mess!

But, with that said, I think an ex (especially one that built a family) will always be a draw for comfort, ego, curiosity - try to not torture yourself dear lady.

[Pink17]

Hi Zelda, thank you! I guess I am somewhat doing the right thing, because I am not suppose to be even thinking much about this... so much for Detachment!!. Lol.

Went home at lunch time and the boys said that XH texted them asking to hang out with them after he talks with mom.

At that same moment I decided to tell the kids that I am going out for a dinner. They asked with whom and I said with a friend that is trying to help me to get a job. Not true, but half truth.

This way I will resolve the two or three things I need to resolve with him today and then leave. He can stay in a house with the boys or not, I really do not care.

I guess this will solve some of the R and M talks, and I won't be so worked out by all his words. Cira, remember: "Believe nothing what they say and only 50% what they do".

I am finding it much easier to be far away from all of this and from XH, I guess at some point I will just get used to this.

I always wanted my M, my family. Life is a hell for all of us for quite awhile. But I guess I just need to see the truth that XH is just being the idiot he is lately and I am being the doormat that I have been lately.

I just need to let go, let go, let go. I think I need a boyfriend to forget about XH. I am feeling so bad today and I still need to stand up and continue.

I am without balance, I am overwhelmed... I need to try to concentrate in what is most important for me... myself.

Thanks,
Pink

[jim0987]

(((Pink)))

Your XH is quite something.....

It would be really easy to see in everything he said that he wants to come back but to start thinking that a will torture you and anyway may not help you to do what you need to.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but you give him way too much access to your time and space.

For starters, he shouldn't get to pop round unless he's invited at a time of your choosing.

Personally I think you need some sort of statement that you can carry in your mind and in your heart that means you don't do any explaining.

Something like.

XH, I loved you throughout our marriage and will always love you, but you divorced me and my life needs to reflect that. I hope you do what you need to to find happiness in whatever path your life takes.

Part of me then says to tell him to take a hike unless/until he is in any kind of state to come back and treat you in the way he should have always treated you.

On the other hand validating him and his concerns, showing warmth and compassion to him does act as quite the lighthouse, but you definitely need to be more mysterious about you.

Hope your otherwise ok.

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, I think you just jumped straight back on to the rollercoaster right after your D!

I don't think you need a boyfriend to feel better. That's going to complicate your life no end! There is no need to make any decisions about H either just now.

If H truly wants to try and win you back, I think he is going to have to offer much more than words. I think he is going to have to dig deep, you know? As Starsky might say - Alot has happened! - and there is no easy recovery from that...

Part of me wonders if he just needed reassurance that (even though you just D'd) you are right where he left you. Reassured, he can then go off to France and potentially see OW to 'end' things - but we know that can go either way.

For now, I would just draw back some and let the dust settle. See what happens over time. Recover from your D, just be Pink, and don't climb on that rollercoaster again just now. Keep H at whatever distance you are comfortable with....

And above all - take care of yourself and those lovely boys xx

[Pink17]

Hi Jim and Sotto, thanks my dear friends. As usual I agree with you both, your words have a lot of weight and that is what I need to do.

So, I think I will be doing the right thing today and just spend enough time with XH to resolve our financial issues, whatever we can in the time I have for him today.

Then I will jump on my horse and leave for good. I think I need to give him some cold shoulder from now on.

Why do I still like such person??? I guess I really need to exam my soul and check for bugs, I should be infected with some stupidity bug.

Thanks guys, will run again.
Pink

[Pink17]

Hi all... just updating,

XH was at the house when I got there. He was his usual very caring and polite. I went straight to business, resolved two accounts and then I had a coffee.

XH decided to have a cup of tea like it is his house and everything is normal. I then asked him about the house key. He was surprised I asked him. I said that it its just normal since that is not his house anymore.

XH cried and said that he is the only one to blame for so much pain. That he is an idiot and was blind for so long that now he can just regret his choices and will try to learn from his many mistakes.

I told him that I sure share in the blame, the only difference is that I deal with problems a little different. He then reminded me that I always said that if there is a problem, one needs to get the hands dirty.

Well, all the same. I love you, never stop loving you. Does not know how I will deal with my life in this big mess. I am broke and need to face the consequences of my decisions. I am not engaged in any R, and blah, blah, blah.

At this point I said that I was leaving. The kids asked me when I was coming back and I said around 10 0r 10:30pm. Then the kids asked me if this was the job meeting and I said that was something like that.

XH was taking the kids out to dinner. That is also changing, he is getting closer to the boys, is talking more with them. It seems like after the D he became another person. More humble, more down on himself, like he suddenly saw what he is doing.

I don't know what will happen. But I thought about and I can't drag myself into the pit. It has taken all my energy and I am not focusing in my own life. Whatever XH is around, it is all tears, and regrets and R talks.

It need to stop, so I decided to DB this situation. Seems like my D was just a piece of paper after all, because our situation is still the same. Even more intense right now.

It could be the effects of seeing it all done, but I know XH and I see that somehow he is changing. He is somehow seeing things a little more clear now. His words ( and I know...don't believe what they say) but the words are more of self analyses. All the stubbornness, all the egocentric attitude, his way of dealing with conflict and pain, his reactions to others. He seems like having a self check book and is really upset he has done so much wrongs that destroyed his life.

Well I need to move forward, I need to find a balance in between having him around and in this huge conflict and making myself better.

I have been reading TOs story, and it's amazing how much she endured to save her marriage.

I want to start reading 25 story, she tells that she had a year making many mistakes and finally found that balance accepting that her only chance to repair her marriage was letting go of the old and attracting her Hubby with new. She transformed herself into a person only a fool would leave and that's what I need to concentrate right now.

After all, if he never takes that step to realize his family is his life, then at least I will be feeling better about myself.

So today I will start looking forward. It's not about dancing, going out with friends, doing a zumba class. It's all of that and it is rewriting my future. I will concentrate my energy into what I want for a career path, listing my bad habits and finding the way to change what I don't like, I want and I will be the person I left behind somewhere.

I basically had enough and all what I am doing is not working for me. I know H is noticing my changes, but right now it is not enough for myself. Right now it became much more then just him noticing some little changes on me. I know myself and I am faking and living an illusion of change.

I need some core changes, I need to rescue myself from this mud I have been swimming in for too long.

Starting today, I will take charge on my own life and I will do my best to help others in this board and get all the help I can to make the real DB work. Funny ahn, doing DB work when I am post D. But this is what happen to me and instead of ignoring it, I will embrace it.

From the bottom of my heart I can only say that you all have been a life saver to me. I do not have family in this country, I felt really alone sometimes, the insecurity played big on my journey. But you all did comfort me, gave me the courage to stand up for myself, supported me in my bad and good decisions, gave advices that are changing my life.

I found good people with an amazing heart here, humble people willing to look into themselves and doing very hard work to become better people to others. I found values that matter in life, friends that have no face but have the most beautiful intentions.

You are all part of my journey and I am not at the bottom, I am not in a million pieces all the time, I am not depressed and discouraged feeling sorry for myself... it all because of you.

Thank you for all you did and are doing for me, my life is better because of YOU!!!!

Love,
Cira