Hi, my name is Mutatio, which is Latin for "change". I have been lurking since new years day, trying to do it on my own. I know what I need to do first, detach, I just can't do it. I will share with you my tale of woe and hopefully you kind people will offer feedback I can use to detach. I have put off posting for many reasons but now I see I am making things worse and must get help. I have started the DR book. I will explain my situation in future posts, it is to emotional for me to try to do in one sitting. I will post this now to start this journey.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yes, the sooner you start posting the sooner you can begin a new YOU! I wish I had started months ago before Dbomb, even though I was lurking here I never posted, never applied the techniques, man wish I could go back in time.... Oh well whats in the past is in the past. move forward.
Glad you are here, you are in good company! Start by doing only what works, STFU, Listen, Validate.
Yes, please share with us the details of your situation. You'll learn two things very quickly...that you are NOT alone...I was shocked at how many people had been through similar situations, even down to the words and tactics my W used on me, and that this board is full of veterans who have a lot of wisdom to share (I'm not a vet here). This is a warm safe place to vent, journal, and ask questions. Fantastic therapy!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Thank you for responding Cadet, ILYNOT and NH115. I guess I'll start with the present and in further posts describe how I got here. I am a 57 year old male. My beautiful wife is 52 years old. We have been married for 26 years. We met 29 years ago. We dated exclusively after we met and I proposed after 2 years and married 1 year later. We have 3 children, D22,D20,S15. After months of our marriage struggling,January of this year my wife declared she was considering divorce. There is much leading up to this which I will mention in future posts. She stated that she would not be physically intimate with me until/unless she wanted to. By February I had become depressed so I began seeing a therapist and started taking daily anti-depressant medication. In March I found this site which gave me some solace. I also began going to a Buddhist Meditation Center. I'm Catholic but not practicing. I was functionally and emotionally at rock bottom at this point. In April I thought I was becoming more stable. My wife then says that she prefer that I don't touch her. I realize she is pulling away and there is no emotional intimacy with her. I am such emotional wreck at this point. The month of May I am on auto pilot trying to adjust to my new normal. By the month of June we stopped seeing friends and doing things together. My two daughters come home from college and see whats happening, causing more heartache for all. In July my wife starts not wearing her wedding ring intermittently.By the end of the month she is not wearing it at all. I realize that ring is a symbol of the bond we share being married but if she is not feeling that bond wearing the ring means nothing so I accept it. She also hints she wants to sleep on the pull out couch in the sitting room off of our bedroom but does nothing about. Last weekend she moved out of the bed onto the sofa bed. This is where we are presently In January she started skewing her working hours. She would wake up after I went to work and would come home 7-8 o'clock. This was because of the way I was behaving (begging and pleading) and she felt no desire to be come home and be with me. There is a lot of history I will mention in the next sitting but this is my world now. I am adrift in the sea of despair and watching my wife float away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
There are 4 chapters to my marriage. I described what I would call the 4th chapter earlier in this thread. It is the chapter I am now living. The 1st chapter does not need a lot of explanation, we are in love and we get married. Life is good. The 2nd chapter is the children years. It lasts about 15 years and in hindsight this is where I did the most damage to my marriage. I am willing to go into more detail but not right now. I was mean to my wife and children. I bullied them to get my way. I was emotionally abusive to them never physically. A lot of yelling. I have excuses but they don't matter because I am responsible for my actions. If that wasn't enough I would drink a case of beer a weekend. During this time my wife stopped loving me. She stayed for the kids. Towards the end of this chapter she hated me and wished she had never married me. I now realize she is an conflict advoider. We did not communicate well. All this comes to a head in chapter 3. She has a two month emotional affair on the computer with a guy living 30 miles away.Then they meet once in her work parking lot and kiss and grope for an hour. They plan to meet again in a few weeks after the holidays and go all the way. Before it can happen the OM's wife finds the messages on his laptop and confronts my wife, I find out and I am devastated. I quit drinking, 7 years now, and try to focus on my marriage and my children.No more yelling, I don't care if I win. My wife does the same. We are both motivated by guilt, by what we had done to each other. Its good for a while but becomes less passionate as time goes on. Looking back I realize we should have gone to therapy, IC and MC. To make matters worse I have developed codependency issues with her and might have been depressed before I realized I was. I became so scared of losing her from my bad behavior and her affair I made her my only focus. She starts drifting away, sharing less, working more and I melt down in the fall of 2014. I realize whats happening and chapter 4 starts this year, described in a earlier post.
