Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[Pyrite]

hi dwh, just stopping by. skimmed over threads 1&2. wouldn't be surprised if I missed it, but in a nutshell - why has WW escaped? what was she not getting in the M?

There is generally a gripe about us, and although it is not always "sound" and certainly doesn't justify treating your family like this, let alone your H, it might be a good thing for your own growth sake to address these issues at least. Growing through the grief will do unimaginable things to your mental state and perception of yourself. It is humbling, and through the humility it is easier to forgive, be compassionate and perhaps attractive to your W.

You're doing a great job to manage 4 boys, 2 with "problems". DON"T take on her as well. She wants out. Give it to her. Stop facilitating her. Just say NO. One expression my WW repeated over and over at BD was I owe you nothing, I owe the M nothing. obviously I can't agree with that, but you know what - now she is asking for favours, to accommodate her new life and honestly can't see why I am not complying. It is not a vengeful thing at all.

In my case it would be hurting me an my girls to accommodate her, and that is all I would be achieving. So it is clear cut for me. It sounds callous, and maybe part of me is vindictive and enjoys denying her favours which I am not proud of, but you know what - now - that she is in R with OM, takes him to family etc, the [censored] even stays in m y house every 2nd week when I am not there wit the girls, she wants D etc - I really do owe her NOTHING. If she wants out - give it to her!

[dwh15]

Journaling:
Volunteered at my church this morning. Part of the greeting staff which meets people at the door. It's a large congregation, over 1,200 between two Sunday services and I always feel good putting on a smile and shaking hands as people show up. Got to talking with one of the other volunteers, an man in his 60's, who had been through a D years earlier. Married to his 1st W for 24 years with 3 kids, and suddenly some sort of MLC and she decided she had to "find" herself. I swear, as I ask around, I am amazed at how common this situation is with women in their late 30s and early 40s suddenly going nuts and bailing out on long term marriages.

So it was nice talking to someone who had been through it. He did give me a little hope, in that he had a friend who went through something similar a few years ago, got D, and after 2 years apart, they R and got married again. It's good to hear a success story once in a while, although I realize the odds are against it. I'm still struggling with emotions, still think about my W constantly, but am doing my best to keep busy around the house and plan fun things with the kids. I'm 5 months out but starting to think it's going to be a full year at least before I even start to feel somewhat "normal" about my sitch.

[dwh15]

hi dwh, just stopping by. skimmed over threads 1&2. wouldn't be surprised if I missed it, but in a nutshell - why has WW escaped? what was she not getting in the M?

That's a good question, and one which I can't totally answer, because she never wanted to discuss it. After BD, she was so done with the M that I didn't even get the chance to hear her gripes. She just left, after maybe 10 minutes of discussion. And hasn't wanted to talk about it since. I know that she felt alone, ignored, and taken for granted. She used to constantly say she felt like we were roommates or "friends with benefits". This went on for so long that I quit even responding to it. In hindsight, it was a huge red flag, but like many men, I didn't see it that way. We had definitely grown apart the past couple of years and she was spending at least 3-4 nights/week out of the house. Always supposedly out with girlfriends, but now I know that it was actually with OM. In response to that, I started shutting her out, not paying much attention to her even when she was here. I felt lonely myself and unhappy, but wasn't sure how to fix things. I had suggested MC on multiple occasions, but WW always shot the idea down, saying it wouldn't do any good.

I had also become very negative in general. Annoyed at people, critical of my own kids. Not happy with my job. Never wanting to do much socially, and hiding in front of a computer for hours on end playing games or browsing the internet. Just not a fun person to be around. I feel that I have changed most of the negative behavior in the past few months. I'm a better father than I have probably been my entire life. I have developed great relationships with every kid, we do fun things together, I make all the meals, do the laundry, give the baths, etc. Basically a single dad doing his best.

I have also reconnected with all my immediate family, and a few of my extended family such as cousins, aunts, uncles. I talk to my sister every day, and both my brothers, and mom at least once a week. Before, we would go months on end w/o seeing each other. I've gotten back into the church, which I been away from for over 25 years, and am getting involved in as much as I can to connect with people. I have reached out to old friends, and am making new friends on a regular basis. Even my job situation is changing, although not by choice, and I've had several interviews recently which went well so feel that something positive is coming on that front soon. I no longer lose my temper when something bad happens. I take it in stride and handle it calmly. I think the kids are amazed sometimes that I don't blow up.

On top of that, I feel that I do a much better job just listening to people and empathizing. Not trying to offer suggestions or solutions, but just listening. I feel that was probably another bad habit I did with WW. When she had a problem, I always wanted to offer a way to fix it. Didn't realize that she wasn't necessarily looking for a solution. She just needed to talk about it. I continue to look inward for other ways to improve, and plan for that to be an ongoing process in my life going forward.

As far as letting her go, I agree with you, and feel that for the most part, I have. We are down to almost NC, other than a handful of texts regarding plans for the kids. I have cut off all financial support, and no longer do her any favors, unless it somehow benefits me or the kids as well. It's been very hard to let go, but after a few weeks of playing the part of BFF to a tee, I realized I wasn't helping myself or her. I did get plenty of contact from her doing it, all kinds of details on what she was doing, how she was feeling, etc. Probably the best we've gotten along in a long time. But I just couldn't adjust to her wanting to discuss OM and the latest drama with him, or how wonderful he was with kids, bla bla. I hung on for a while, thinking that the closeness we seemed to have could be a door to R, but I was totally fooling myself, and after doing enough reading on line, especially from Sandy about the WW, I knew it had to stop. I would have been "friend zoned" for life. Still haven't given up all hope but doing my best to detach, give my kids and me the best life we can have in this sitch, and praying for a miracle that some day my WW will find her way home.

[dwh15]

Was actually feeling pretty good most of the day yesterday. Like I was finally starting to accept things, not focused on WW. But woke up this morning bummed again, and still thinking about her. Guess it's all part of the process. But happy that I seem to be coming along, however slowly it may be.

[dwh15]

Back to feeling OK again this evening. The roller coaster is always in motion. WW has the usual 2 kids tonight: S18 and S8. Took them bowling and back to her place to visit. I fed them dinner before they left, as she has sent me a TM around 1pm asking if I would mind. It was actually nice to have an early heads up for a change, so I thanked her for that. On previous occasions, she would just sent a TM around 4 or 5pm saying they kids need to eat before they come, and have them here at 7. WTF? So at least she's being more considerate now. Seems like we're setting into a reasonable co-parenting routine for the most part. Still far from ideal, as S15 and S10 rarely spend time with mom, and the others only see her 3 nights/week for 3-4 hours each. But guess it's better than nothing, and I'm not sure my W is capable of more right now. Makes me sad.

[dwh15]

So my 2 boys both came home tonight, again. WW offered S8 the chance to stay over, and he waffled back and forth a few times before deciding he wanted to come home. I know it must hurt her feelings every time that happens, which is pretty often. But I have a hard time feeling sorry for her. I'm always glad to have my boys come home to me, and part of me hopes that she's hurting. My relationship with all my boys has blossomed over the past few months and I can see a future where we are all going to be so close the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, I don't see the same for my WW, based on how things have been going. My S18 has lost most of his respect for her, and I wouldn't be surprised that the others start to feel the same as they get older and fully understand the circumstances. It's such a shame that a mother would choose a life with a man she barely knows over her 4 kids and a man who has stood by her side for 24 years. The consequences are going to be severe for all of us. I only hope that my boys are able to get by all this and not have it impact their own future relationships.

[Vanilla]

dwh,

Your WW is losing a great deal, it's a very heavy price, like spending on credit cards the bill comes later.

Sandi gives the greatest advice on it.

All I can say is what a terrific dad you are to your boys and how much I enjoy reading about your family. It warms the heart of this lass. Inspirational in the changes you have made, the growth and the stability for all in your family.

It hasn't been easy, but this is with grace and fortitude. A great privilege to read about and inspiring.

V

[sandi2]

Maybe the lack of contact is what's causing the issues. Up until recently, I usually had some sort of input from her, either good or bad. Now I just sit around wondering.

Maybe reviewing the link on detachment will help. It's all about your mental attitude, you know.

I guess the lack of a job is starting to become an issue in terms of having way too much time to sit around and think. Usually if I can stay busy, I do much better, but there's only so many hours you can fill in a normal day. I hope I can bounce of this funk soon.

You are probably right about too much time. Look around and see what's going on in your community activities. Is there anyone in your neighborhood you could lend a helping hand, anything to stay busy.

[dwh15]

Thanks for the replies V and Sandi. I recently re-joined the local chapter of a national organization. It's charity based, and has a clubhouse right down the street, which basically acts as a bar with cheap drinks, but you have to be a member to go in. My WW and I were both member a couple of years ago, but dropped our membership after she had a falling out with some of the trustees. I recently joined again, since one of the trustees is a friend of mine, and was down there tonight. There are a lot of people, typically an older crowd, and it was nice just hanging out and having a couple of drinks. They all remember WW and for the most part don't have a great opinion of her. She volunteered her time bartending, and I am actually looking to do the same starting soon. Figure it will be a good way to meet all the members. It is a nice way to spend time and a fun group of people. But I find myself still sitting there thinking of WW on a regular basis.

It's even hard to hear other people speak of her in a negative way. Everyone expects that I hate her at this point, and I probably should, but for some reason don't. I still love her with a passion, and wish she would come to her senses. I know you can't just flip a switch on a relationship of 24 years, especially when you share 4 beautiful kids together. I am really hoping and praying that at some point she realizes what she has done and wants to try to rebuild. I fear that her life is going to be full of sorrow and regret otherwise. But I am trying to focus on what's best for me now, and my kids. God, this is hard. Praying for peace.

[HurtHus]

Thanks for the replies V and Sandi. I recently re-joined the local chapter of a national organization. It's charity based, and has a clubhouse right down the street, which basically acts as a bar with cheap drinks, but you have to be a member to go in. My WW and I were both member a couple of years ago, but dropped our membership after she had a falling out with some of the trustees. I recently joined again, since one of the trustees is a friend of mine, and was down there tonight. There are a lot of people, typically an older crowd, and it was nice just hanging out and having a couple of drinks. They all remember WW and for the most part don't have a great opinion of her. She volunteered her time bartending, and I am actually looking to do the same starting soon. Figure it will be a good way to meet all the members. It is a nice way to spend time and a fun group of people. But I find myself still sitting there thinking of WW on a regular basis.

It's even hard to hear other people speak of her in a negative way. Everyone expects that I hate her at this point, and I probably should, but for some reason don't. I still love her with a passion, and wish she would come to her senses. I know you can't just flip a switch on a relationship of 24 years, especially when you share 4 beautiful kids together. I am really hoping and praying that at some point she realizes what she has done and wants to try to rebuild. I fear that her life is going to be full of sorrow and regret otherwise. But I am trying to focus on what's best for me now, and my kids. God, this is hard. Praying for peace.

When we care for someone so deeply we care about how they are going to do regardless of our presence. That leads us to feel a compassion for them they often don't freaking deserve. We are thinking clearly and know they are not. We know that when the fog finally lifts they will regret this decision for the rest of their lives. That said we can't bail them out or open their minds if they aren't open to self reflection. Best of luck DWH!