I agree w/asitis on setting a schedule for visitation. I would encourage your h to take your son out for the day. A day in the park, museum, etc. Your home shouldn't be the community center for meet ups all of the time. This will change if you should divorce. He should be responsible for your son, which means, taking him to his place and spending time w/him.
Setting visitation times allows you time to do the thing that you want to do while your son is w/his father. It gives you some time to yourself. After all, your h has plenty of time to himself during the week while you have your son 24/7. It's time your h learn what being a father is and that means taking care of his son on his own in his own environment or finding ways to entertain his son.
Your h may get a bit miffed w/the changes in visitation settings, but that's too bad. He's the one that walked and he's the one that needs to figure things out, especially if a divorce should happen. One you set your boundaries, do not change them unless you think they are unreasonable. Don't waiver/waffle on them. If you waffle, he'll known he can get by w/stuff. Stick to them.
Alright I will try and do that. In the summer H does watch S 3 x during the week day from 8:30 until 5 although he leave S alone for 3 -4 hours while he goes to the gym and works out. Yes that is right 3-4 hours at the gym leaves S10 alone at home. This is how he chooses to spend time with S.
I think maybe try alternating every other weekend he can have a overnight with S. When S is in school it changes and H will pick him up from school at 2:45 and have him until 5:30 when I get home 3x a week so to me that counts as spending time with son and he wont need to do the Sunday stop over thing IMO. what do you think?
But if we do D I don't want H to have a case for shared care because I don't think he is capable of that at this point.
Ten seems young to be left alone, even for a shorter time. How do you feel about what he is doing? How does your S feel...Is he comfortable being left?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
S feels that dad doesn't pay attention to him and I don't think it is right that he leaves him home alone that long. I don't like it I feel H says he wants to spend time with S but then he leaves him alone for 3 hours so it makes me wonder.
H said he wanted D tonight. I feel sad maybe disappointed but not surprised as he has never really put forth any action in last 7 months that we have been separated. h says he has but there has been nothing other then him sitting at his rental house and me in our home and H stopping by to visit S for a couple of hours on Sunday
As usual he tried to convince me that it was I who wanted the divorce too. I told him it wasn't me but if he did then it was up to him. He had the nerve to say well fine I will be the bad guy if that's what you want. WTH. You want divorce not me. You left home not me and now you are trying to tell me I don't want to be married.
Whatever I will survive. Oh and he proceed to ask me what he needs to do to get things rolling. I told him you want D figure it out. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I am feeling not so good.
He also wanted to divide stuff up and I told him he needed to file first.
So weird because one minute he is like I don't know and the next he is filing and wants to divide things up and try to say I was the one that really wants the divorce and I haven't loved him for 10 years etc..
It is not true and so not true that if it weren't so sad it would be funny. I can't even believe that he thinks that and I don't really think he believes it either it just makes him feel better about what he is doing to us.
At least I stood up for myself and told him that it was not me that wanted the divorce and I was not going to let him make me say that I wanted the divorce. He also tried this with the separation saying to our therapist that we both agreed to the separation but she called him out on it by saying that if I hadn't agreed to the separation would he have filed for divorce and he said yes. Therapist said so she really didn't have much choice don't you think.
I'd be recording what S reports by date. Memory isn't the same, and you don't know what H will do in D proceedings. Hopefully, it will be unnecessary, but better safe than sorry.
Have you considered mediation? If he wants D & separating your lives more fully, tell him that you aren't wanting a divorce, but if that is where he wants to go, you'd prefer to go through mediation to keep it as cooperative and non-conflictual as possible. If for no other reason that it will be better for the kids if their parents are getting along at the end of this.
Then find a mediator with a therapy background rather than a lawyer. You want someone who is attentive to the emotional side of things and can take opportunities to improve the relationship when they come along, rather than just settling the D quickly and less oppositionally.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
H is pretty bent on D at this point. I did tell him I don't want D but he said he wants to get things "rolling" but there is no OW. I think there is but that is neither here nor there now.
I have heard of the mediating but I thought you had to settle by filing divorce first.
H is pretty bent on D at this point. I did tell him I don't want D but he said he wants to get things "rolling" but there is no OW. I think there is but that is neither here nor there now.
I have heard of the mediating but I thought you had to settle by filing divorce first.
No, often meditation precedes the filing. It is getting the heavy lifting on the issues done, so that when it comes time to file, there is little left to resolve through the courts. Once the courts are involved, things can be more expensive. It also allows you to arrange things for the separation while you work on the D.
A lot of couples go through mediation, and then filing is just a matter of submitting the petition & checking off the necessary court requirements (like parenting counseling when there are kids), and waiting out the required wait time. Makes for a less stressful, painful process at a time when things are hard enough.
The good side is that mediation, especially w/ someone trained in MC can lead to reconciliation, although that shouldn't be the reason you seek it out.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
That is interesting and it makes sense. I would like to be as civil as possible even though I am very angry at times in the long run I don't want to end up being a bitter person. I just want to be free of him.
