WAH, in the thick of divorce

[SunnyB]

Good job, Ep. I pray that your H will learn to put his S first in all this. In my opinion, that's really all that matters.

I had my first meeting with a collaborative L today. I am very hopeful about this process.

[Vanilla]

Ep,

You did very well indeed.

For some reason WH is making a stand on the issue rather than putting his child first. Let's hope he sees S comes first.

V

[ep0215]

PP - thank you! I am very proud of the way I handled the meeting and it really is all about S for me. Clearly not for H. He looked like an a**

Sunny - I hope the process goes much smoother for you. good luck! thank you for helping me get through yesterday.

V - Thank you!

So what's next? I don't know. He is REALLY pissed that he is not getting his way. Major temper tantrum being thrown. I hope and pray his L will talk some sense into him and guide him in making a decision that is best for his S not for himself. Dr.C is planning on telling his L how stubborn he was being in the meeting and is creating a major setback in the process.

The next meeting date is September 1, it was supposed to be going over financial assignments now I am afraid we will waste more time on the time-sharing issue. It will slow the process down for me but I can't afford for it to keep going on and on and on over the same argument.

I am really at a loss right now in DB'ing. I am going to keep doing it for me but I am really starting to question his character and if I could ever go back to that. Major changes would have to occur. I am starting to see now how his temper and anger in the past really wore me down to where I would do anything to just make that go away. Really did not do myself any favors in that department so I do feel like this is doing a 180 for me.

How do I still be the lighthouse when he is so pissed at me? I just want to cry for this person he has become, he is so cruel.

New goals:
1. Do not let his temper and anger make me do something I am not comfortable with just to make him feel better
2. Do more GAL activities when S is not here (make a list)
3. Stay dark except for child related business that can't wait. No temp checking
4. Have a better PMA when around H

[JulieH]

Hi ep,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Although I am in the very beginning of the process (husband left, no legal proceedings yet he is still considering whether he wants to work on relationship, don't think there is OW) I can relate to you questioning his character because he is not putting his S first. "I want to cry for this person he has become, he is so cruel". These are my sentiments as well. My husband does not want to give me full child support. He wants me to just give him an informal list of expenses. I feel scared to push for it cause I know that this will lead to no chance for reconciliation. My husband also always slept late and missed picking up my kids from school 4x.

I just had my first session with a DB coach and discussed my anger and resentments and talked about many of his selfish acts now and throughout our relationship. She told me to pretend I was my husband and answer questions about myself and my flaws. She helped me to empathize a little with him and it helped my anger. She pointed out that I should try to see things from his perspective and to not focus on my frusturations and Dissapointments. She told me to try to understand that his perception equals his reality. I felt better after I talked to her because I was no longer consumed with anger. I still feel like he is wrong and a lot of the times I am still furious but that night I did sleep better. The coach seemed to lean for going along with a list but our time was running up and I would need to clarify that during our next conversation. I would save any money not used for the kids immediatly for their futures and I know my husband would not...but if by compromising on this, it could help with reconciliation this would be best for kids in the long run. (Something I find myself questioning now as well is whether I want reconciliation with such a cruel person)

Anyway, I am impressed by your strength in not backing down for what is best for your son. You seem like a wonderful mother and good luck.

[ep0215]

Julie - your H can not want to give you full child support but that isn't up to him. I think you should consult with a L and know your rights. You don't have to file or anything but please know he has to take care of his children.
Thank you for saying that I seem like a wonderful mother. I am the best mother I know to be for my son and I am sure you are just as wonderful to your twins. Did you know that I am an identical twin? I cannot express to you how incredible the bond is between them. I am 33 and do not go more than a few hours without talking to my sis and do not go more than a day without seeing her.
******

I am struggling this week and I think it is from the stress of Tuesday's meeting. I am not coping well with missing my son when he isn't home. The hurt is deep for me because we tried to conceive for 3 years before doing IVF and receiving our miracle. I keep thinking about everything we both went through to become parents and he can break that family up so easily. I did not overcome infertility to only see my son part of the time and miss out on so many experiences he will have, that should have been had with both his parents beside him. I know this is something I am going to have to work on but it adds an extra layer of grief. This has been on my mind a lot this week and needed to write it down.

I FaceTimed with S4 last night and as soon as it connected and he saw my face he says "I wuv you Mommy. I just wuv you". Makes me melt.

[SunnyB]

Ep, I'm sorry you are struggling. You are right to focus on your child, let H blow in the wind if he must, but keep things are stable for your S as possible. You are doing a good job there, keep it up.

I really struggled with GAL in the beginning. Slowly, I found new friends (most of whom are single), and found some things I like to do (paddleboard, snorkel) and now I have to say I'm pretty good at it. What size city do you live in, do they have a Meetup group? Meetup has been great for me.

The other day, after I asked to proceed with the D, I asked STBX if he was happy, if this had turned out like he wanted, if he was happy with his R with his children. When he said, yes, he was happy with his R with the children, I'm pretty sure I had a horrified look on my face. He's happy with seeing D12 35% of the time, and taking D17 to dinner every couple of weeks. I will never understand how that's OK. Ever.

[ep0215]

Sunny - What is a Meetup Group? I live in a big city on the water so I would like to find some more water sports activities, just don't want to spend a lot of money. I am sad my Dad moved away in February and gave his kayak away. Boo

I don't understand how your H is ok with that. My H was never around as a father to our S, always at work or doing his own thing even when he could have picked him up early from school. Now all of a sudden it is extremely important to him to have 50/50. I don't get it. My L just called and is really on my side about not letting him bully me into anything but also we need to decide if we want to continue with collaborative on this issue. We can settle everything else out of the courts and if we need to go to trial on time-sharing then so be it. UGH!

[WhyUs]

The hurt is deep for me because we tried to conceive for 3 years before doing IVF and receiving our miracle. I keep thinking about everything we both went through to become parents and he can break that family up so easily. I did not overcome infertility to only see my son part of the time and miss out on so many experiences he will have, that should have been had with both his parents beside him. I know this is something I am going to have to work on but it adds an extra layer of grief. This has been on my mind a lot this week and needed to write it down.

I know how you feel. My WW and I had IVF as well. We call D7 our miracle child as well. It is hard to comprehend how they can forget all of the history and love that has gone into the M. I pray everyday that my WW comes out of the fog. She is breaking my heart right now and hurting my children. I have always been a very involved father and she is trying to take that away from me and them. I get to see my kids every other weekend and 4 hours on a weekday. I feel like they are going to grow apart from me in a year. It makes me so sad. They need a good father in their life, especially right now. I hate missing their milestones. I hate the thought of some jerk being with my kids when I am supposed to be there.

[ep0215]

WhyUs - I am so sorry she is doing that to you. My STBX hardly ever saw me or my S but I know how important it is that he have a relationship with our S. I hate that your WW is doing that to you. We are lucky enough that we at least are making it so that neither one of is going more than 3 days without seeing him. He would just prefer more overnights even though his work schedule just doesn't make that happen without really disrupting S's schedule. Have you spoken to a L yet to get more time with them? Sorry I will catch up on your sitch in a bit.

[SunnyB]

Ep, just google Meet Up and then look for your city. I live in Miami and there are a lot of active groups here. Hopefully your city will have something too. It's been a game changer for me.