I don't really think its 'confusion' per say ... just more an observation, I learned (ok uR is watching .... ) I am learning to stay out of that MLC noggin the best I can, not trying to figure her out nor what she is processing as honestly .. not my circus, not my monkeys.... I am just trying to steer clear of certain tents and worry about my own cages.
As far as her recalling what she has done and all that, given the current state of her memory thats a given, but its ok. Not everything needs to be rehashed and gone over, nor am I at a point anymore that I need closure on things she did/said. There are things however that are still 'out there' that I do feel should be talked about and dealt with ... but as the vets have said .. now is not that place of is this the time. I am sure it will come out someday, its nothing that has me stuck at the moment ... as currently I am in a pretty solid place to be honest.
It hit me today while I was walking around the facility. I am pretty darn blessed. Before all this hit the fan ... I was just stuck in a M, was not happy with the M, my job, my family was just 3 people in a house, I was all about work, DJing, and seemed always in a hurry. Now.... I really love my job, starting year 3 here this month and its been nothing but upside since I have come here. I have a decent group of friends, we play softball, football, and starting up a Fantasy football league. I have a buddy who I hired here, we just talked today about Harley rides on the weekends and meeting up to ride together to the softball games. My W is doing much better than this time last year ... she still has her journey to walk ... but I consider myself lucky to be at this point, to have that chance at the least.
Speaking of which ... forgot to add in my last post. So W has been all over the trip, planning and all that, she always loved to plan things like this ... she takes over and I would let her ... this time I never allowed her to just 'do it' .... she tested here and there wanting to stay an extra night at 'X' but I reminded her I initally planned this trip, was flexible in some areas but the whole point was time up near 'Y'. This lead to later in the day... she is still looking at properties ... if you all recall we got into it a few weeks ago about this her 'window shopping' places that were not in what I considered a 'safe' price range. And by that I mean if she loses or changes her job, (happened in 2009) I do not want to have to pull DJing 3 nights a week again to cover. My job I am at is paying much more than I used to make, we could buy a house in what I consider to be a moderate price range. So now she has been showing me places more along those lines. At this point I have nodded my head here and there, telling her this time I plan on using my VA loan (Just as I was going to do when we divorced) and told her VA will give us an approved list and from there we would have to figure things out but I told her I did not think we were 'there' just yet. She pressed on why I felt that way .. I just gave her 'the look' and she got a bit defensive and said "I told you I am committed to this, what else do I have to do?" ..... I STFU there but did think ... hmmmm rings on for starters, her FB page is still blocked and has her maiden name (Not important but bugs me, social media wise you would never have known we were married even before BD .... an issue for me but not high on the priority list) ..... I simply told her #1 she needs to be employed for a year before we can apply ... and well yeah .. #2 just 5 months ago we were scheduling D meetings my apologies for not feeling we are 'there' .... she took this well, I was a bit thrown I even had to explain it.
Anyways ... I am taking tomorrow off, Sick day .. use it or lose it ... figure an early check up, Harley ride ... and continue to move things into the garage.
Luke, a funny thing happens when an MLCer starts exiting the tunnel. While they re-enter slowly in some ways, in other ways, they want to hurry up.
You are kind of setting the pace, which is a good thing. She is feeling a bit impatient. Funny how the tide turns some in this regard, yea?
It's important to take the time to walk part in the right way.
As I've said, there will be fits and starts, waves and tides. It's all part of it. You are navigating some rocky waters and sometimes you and she will lose your footing a bit.
uR .... yeah that pretty much describes it, warp speed in some spots and turtle movements in others.
Just thought I would journal a bit ... avoiding this pile of papers on my desk.
This week has been interesting, testing in new areas from W ... not sure if they are on purpose of of the subconscious variety ... either way I think I have handled them better this week. Seems to be in 2 separate areas
Monday she had a Dr appt, this Dr is her IC/massage/life coach type person. From what I have shared seems to be good for W at this time. W told me the apt was from 6-7, and she would be home about 7:30. The last issue we had about W being late we got into it a little bit, she tossed out the "You'll never trust me again" card .. I simply pointed out in our hmwk book the suggested keys to "Trustful Behaviors" and #2 was "Call when you are going to be late" ... I told her I do not need to know where she is every second as she suggested, in fact she could come and go as she wishes .... this behavior however does not earn trust ... but out of my control to be honest. Later when she calmed down she did apologize. So around 7 she TM that she messed up, the appt was running till 7:30 and she would be home around 8. My ears perked up a bit (Dr office is near OMs area) but I again reminded myself ... out of my control no need to get worked up, S and I had fun playing, wrestling and playing uncle (NTS never play this again, he is getting strong) W arrived home and I was PMA ... she immediately showed me some items the Dr gave her, like she had to prove she was in fact there the whole time (I did later see an email receipt of her payment transaction that put my mind to ease) Tuesday night (last night) ... she had another errand to run, said she could do it next week, I told her just take care of it now as the trip is coming and these free days are going to go by fast. Again .. said she would be home by 7:30 ... some things happened and did not get in till 8 or so. Telling me all about it ... again like she is proving herself. I did catch a TM with the 'friend' they were planning on meeting so he could give her a map for our trip. She told me all about her day but never mentioned anything about this ... Mind-reading here, I think she avoids telling me much about him to avoid any fights/issues. I'm not to thrilled with this 'friendship' given the OM/A but on the positive side, she is no longer deleting this stuff. We talked a bit in bed and went to sleep. I was satisfied I did not react to her coming in late twice ... would have been easy for me to go nuts ... I give myself a 180 and a golf clap
The second area ... one I have been thinking about off and on for the year I have been here is the respect issue. I feel like over a long period of time I lost respect for myself, and in turn W had little respect for me. Maybe its just something I am focused on currently but it has been towards the front of my thinking ... earning respect back. I took yesterday off, had a Dr appt and decided to use the rest of the day to get things done. DMV, moved some clothes into 'our' place. Pulled some things out of storage and into the garage. Took almost all my culinary stuff and went through the kitchen getting things in order. This prompted me to clean out the freezer and the fridge. Enter MLC crazy here, there were some wicked things in that fridge!! I kid you not ... one of her health smoothies, cup and all ... like 2 sips in the freezer along with 2 half eaten bagels from what I could tell .. 1954. Anyways ... got it all cleaned out and did some laundry while I was at it. W comes home, shares her day and all that ... we put S down and she still needs to put her stuff away and get her food together for the next day, she opens the fridge and a "Wow, this is awesome" erupts from the kitchen. I was in the MBR at the time, she comes in and I smile, "Like that do ya?" I asked ... then her reply was "Yeah you are an excellent housewife" .... I did not care for this at all .. did not blow up or anything but yeah .. it rubbed me wrong, grabbed the dog and walked as per my 180. Got back and decided its to late to get into anything I let it go. This morning W got up to join me for a walk, she did most the talking but cracked on me again .. this time about getting old and hearing loss (I received something in the mail about hearing due to my job) telling me my AARP card was soon to follow. Again ... its another crack on me. I kept walking until she said another comment about making sure I had dinner hot n ready tonight. I stopped and very very calmly told her I was really starting to tire of the 'shots' I brought them up each individually, and how I felt they were disrespectful. She got defensive as she typically does when confronted, said she was joking, I pointed out that the jokes were all at my expense and I did not appreciate them, one here or there yeah its a joke, but consistently lately this seems to be a trend, one I will not just stand there taking the constant criticisms. I was calm, not upset ... just felt I needed to set that boundary. She was upset .. I let her be, jumped in the shower then started ironing my shirt getting ready for work. She did com in and apologize, understood where I was coming from and told me its her mother, its how she was .. and I was right to call her out on it, something she will work on.
I am thinking about this ... just felt its something I needed to do, is it a big issue, no... but I just feel like if I continue to allow it its a loss of respect for myself, and W will not respect me if I continue to keep taking it ... this is old M stuff that I do not want to relive any longer. I might be missing something deeper here ... not sure.
I think those "little" things that bothered you from old marriage should be addressed as you are doing. Otherwise it could blow up or build resentment. Instead, sounds like you are handling it calmly.
Sounds good to me
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Luke, you know I am all for you speaking up about how you feel about things. Communication is key throughout this. I also don't believe the MLCer gets a free pass on their actions.
But in keeping it real with you, and as AJ has mentioned to you, it's important to be careful it doesn't become something else and I agree.
She was going to be late and she TM'd you. Next night she was running errands you encouraged her to run and let's face it, they often take longer than we think. She let you know again.
As far as those "digs", I wasn't there so I cant know how they felt. You have said she can be playful. I am not sure they were meant to sting.
Just want to be sure you are reacting in a way that is a reflection of who you are, yea?
Hi Cali! I really admire the way you have been handling the OM/A triggers. I can only imagine how tough that would be.
The comments from W sounded playful to me. I know many couples who do that, my W and I included. In our case I'd say it's even a good sign... for a while the space and eggshell walking prevented much of that. I'm glad to have it back!
It's generally considered a good sign when one can laugh at themselves. AARP card? Yep, got mine!
Maybe you have, or can, play back at times?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I know how you feel about the little comments here and there. They add up over time. I think it is oaky to talk to her about how it makes you feel. I would suggest next time to not talk about it right after it happens. I would wait and bring it up at a time when you feel she will be more receptive.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I can take a joke, and when she is playful and joking/flirting I know it ... these little darts were not like that, and I took a couple ... gave it some thought just to make sure I was not over reacting ... just so happened she tossed another and I felt I better address it. We did discuss this last night, she compared it to when I would pat her butt .... I mean nothing by it but it really sets her off, I told her its similar I suppose but I never hit that level of anger, just did not want this stuff to build up.
This lead into a conversation about the 'then' and the 'now'. Judging by her moods this morning I might have said something that upset her. We were doing our hmwk ... been a few days and we should have probably not done it last night as she was in a rush, evident by what she wrote ... very basic ... reminded me of highschool when you would just hand in something just to say you did it. Anyways I had to explain a feeling of being anxious and relate it to a memory. I picked last year when I was having horrible headaches and my Dr insisted I leave work and check myself into the hospital ... later on that night I went through a CATScan fearing a possible tumor, (I had a nasty concussion 2-3 years ago) .... anyways as she read that she told me she was sorry she was not there, I told her it was ok as she had to pick up S (I always pick him up but had to call her that day for her to do it) .... she told me she should have been there ... I was not thinking really but I told her I did not expect her there as she was with OM at the time and I accepted I was on my own .... This was all true but sharing that was not really a good move on my part. We talked a bit ... put S down and went to bed. W woke up around 1-2 ... which woke me up, she ended up going back to sleep and I was spinning over a few things ... amazing how these things come out of no-where ... figured I would just list those things here to try to get them out, maybe make sense of where they are coming from for future growth:
-Wife says she is committed to the M, yet rings still off, FB status still separated, she did mention the trip coming up on FB but all posts she has made seem like its just her and S going. (This was MY vaca that I planned for S and I regardless of her prior to her saying she wanted to work on the M) -Did some work on the old Computer last weekend, discovered an email to BIL from W Subject "Marriage issues", seeking MC advice back in 2011 ... I had no idea -OM2 as I will call him, 'just a friend' ... but my radar is pinging .... I chalk it up to insecurity and did stop the stinkin-thinkin quickly last night on this topic, though the urge to grab her phone and snoop was strong I didn't. -Post session this weekend on Intimacy and Sex ... ugh, I have been good about not pursuing/pressuring this but I do still feel alone in this M, little to no connection with W .. patience. -Been a bad week sleep wise, for us both, which adds to the frustrations .... I do hope we can traverse through this without a blow up. -Taking the new meds twice a day is a constant reminder of the A and STD (though I could easily not take them as we are not 'there')... still working on this, stings a bit. -A book I ordered a few weeks showed up in the mail, W was grumpy as it was this morning and brought it in .... the title was about dealing with rebuilding after an A ... not so great timing there as I have been solid about not bringing the A nor OM up till last night.... though it was just a matter of fact type of thing, not all emotional/hurt.
This part is very very hard. I struggle with still trying to just be myself, struggle with all that has happened. Thankfully tonight is my first softball game of the season so I can get out... a welcomed break, I work tomorrow night ... then we have our Post Session Sat morning.
[b]Hey Luke. As I wrote, I wasn't there so no way to know how those "digs" felt to you. Please understand that I am in know way saying you need to succck up whatever she gives you because I am not. Nothing wrong with explaining your feelings. I do feel like you don't get her reaction to the butt pat...doesn't really matter if you do. To her it is disrespectful, ya know?
I just know that those of us who have gone through this can be sensitive to certain things and we need to look at them.
Ok, so, I am going to just throw this out there....cuz I can. . Are you thinking about that she may not respect you because you are letting her back in? Do you think maybe you aren't respecting you for that a little? Just some things to think about.
As far as the OM...you cant always pretend he didn't exist. Probably wasn't the right context in which to bring him up, though. May have been better to say she was living her life or whatever, but, it's done so you just need to move on about it.
Have you told your w that you are bothered by her rings and facebook status? Although you are still separated, but, I get what you mean. Those things, to an MLCer, are usually the last things to change. They do still have the actions of teenagers for a good while.
