I spoke too soon yesterday. Found out that the OW was viewing my Linkedin account and then noticed she is still "friends" with H even though he told me he took her off all of his social media 3 months ago. So I asked him and turns out they still talk at work. Even though he told me 3 months ago they didn't. I had a huge cry last night, almost as though I was back to BD. Big difference is that H held me and tried to comfort me and apologized profusely to me. So that is progress in our R but not progress for me personally. I was doing so much better, felt so strong, and now I feel pathetic.
I believe him that the Affair is over, but he has so little sensitivity for my feelings and such extremely poor boundaries that he just doesn't "get it"- you can't keep being casual friends after an EA. And you can't lie at all. He doesn't want things to be awkward, well he should have thought of that before he had the A. I am pulling myself together this morning, I will NOT let this set me back.
I hate myself right now, I feel like the weakest and most pathetic person. I was being so strong, I was feeling so good about myself, and then I get thrown off so easily? I wish I could just go back to bed and sleep for the next 6 months. The whole time I was crying I was thinking "I am projecting weakness, I am projecting lack of confidence, I am such a loser"- this is awful, I can't even experience normal human emotions. And tonight we were supposed to go out on a "date" - the first one H initiated since before BD. Should I even go? I don't even know what is right anymore, I just want to stop hurting. I want my H back, I want him to want to be back, and I want to stop hurting.
Hi Photoka, I'm sorry to hear that. It's a setback, but you can move forward from it. I just wondered whether you have read After the Affair by Shirley Glass? It popped into my head reading your post above. There is some good content on boundaries with 'friends' outside the M, and also on healing after the A.
It doesn't sound as though your H is offering some of the fundamentals that are important for healing - NC, transparency, and it is understandable that you are upset. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you both to reclarify boundaries, bottom line stuff and move forward from there. Without reading back, are you guys in MC together?
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You aren't weak. That reminder of betrayal by the person you have exposed your vulnerability to more than any other person hurts. We all steam along when thinking we are doing really well until our trigger gets pressed, then we sink down and realize we have more work to do.
You go on the date if you feel like going on the date. That's what should determine it for you.
You may want to write out a letter asking him for what you need from him to move past this affair and heal your M. Tell him that you have learned there are some things that make for healthier, quicker healing, which is something you know he probably wants. Those will require that he do some things in the short run that may be hard for him, but a little short run difficulty for faster happiness seems a good exchange. Lay out the things that are mentioned in DR & that Toots mentioned. Tell him that you will be glad to give him some of the reading (and assure him it is short) that will help him understand what the betrayed partner goes through and how both can speed and improve the healing process. The letter gives him something to read over a couple times and digest. It also catches his attention more than just another conversation.
I hope whether you go out on the date or not that you are feeling better soon.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Toots, I have not read that book. Actually I have read very little about affairs or healing because I have been putting it out of my mind and focusing on myself, 180's and GAL.
We are in MC and the MC seems to be pro-affair if that is believable. I think it is because my H is/was so checked out he was borderline suicidal and the MC didn't want us to deal with anything too heavy and just let H vent and me suffer. But I think it backfired and made H feel more justified in clinging to the OW and that really wasn't doing him any good, as she is pretty messed up herself. Things are slowly improving. But we have not dealt with the A and I think it is time. I am an excellent avoider, but it doesn't really work because it always ends up coming out somehow.
Thanks Asitis, sometimes it is hard to remember with DB that we are "allowed" to be human and not just DB machines. What bothered me the most last night was that I felt good that H was comforting me, and I felt like that was a sign of weakness. Like I am supposed to be emotionally detached all the time. I have been working SO hard on detachment and I was doing so well, and then to take some comfort from him just made me feel both comforted and weak.
I did tell him that he can't just make small talk when he sees OW to avoid an awkward situation, I told him that the awkward situation is a natural consequence of his having crossed a boundary, and it [censored] for him, but that's a result of the behavior he chose. And I told him that by being friendly he is leading her on, which is probably why she is on my linked in page snooping on me, her mind is probably wandering. I probably shouldn't have told him that, now his will probably wander too. But if it is over he has to make it clear to her AND to me AND to himself. Or else it isn't over. And he did tell me 3 months ago that he blocked her from all social networking sites, so that is a direct lie. And also a testament to me that I haven't snooped in 3 months!
I think I will go on the date because to not go will feel like I am "punishing" him or holding a grudge. He did apologize and hold me, and actually listen to my pain last night, which was a first. Maybe that was just something that had to come out and will be a good thing.
Time will tell, I am doing better today. I blocked her from linked in and also my mother in law while I was at it. That was very satisfying. Thank you for the supportive words.
OK, please don't slam me for asking this question, but.... the OW was on my linked in page. Does this mean 1- she just was curious and looked me up without realizing that I would know? or 2- she knew very well I would know and that would lead me to realizing that H is still her "friend" on linked in? Her job is technical, so she is very technology savvy. I swear I am not spending a lot of time on her, but I am very curious.
OK, back to my singing lessons, which BTW, are going very badly, I cannot carry a tune at all and my visions of GAL sitting around a campfire looking all sexy singing songs and strumming a guitar are quickly fading, I think I need a new GAL fantasy. Not giving up yet, but if you could hear me you'd want ear plugs.
OH, and just a reminder, H was supposed to have broken all contact and cleared her from all social media 3 months ago. He told me he did. 3 months ago.
Now your going to try to guess what goes on in the mind of OW? Good luck. She's probably just as interested in you as you are w/ her for obvious reasons. Don't waste your thoughts on it: it's a distraction & one that can get you coming up with all sorts of worrying fantasies.
You'll get clearer clues if H is still hanging on to that R soon enough.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Asitis, you are right. I will try not to go there.
And I did take your advice last night and wrote him a letter. Of course I got no response. I kept it short, basically I said "thank you for comforting me while I was distraught, I believe and accept your apology for having the A", and then I said "I am still struggling with the lies, coverup, and ongoing justifications and deception. I do believe you that it is over, however, the continuing cover up and poor boundaries are making it hard for me to move on. Continued friendly contact and social media connections are sending mixed messages to me, to OW, and to your self. Please consider setting clear boundaries such as no contact. And please be honest with me about your interactions with OW.
Of course not direct quotes, but I kept it short and to the point and reasonable because I am sure it will be read to father-in-law, IC, and possibly OW depending on how much he really is still speaking with her.
I have been reading other people's stories and I want to let you all know that it really helps put things in perspective.
I have a very important point to make in MC tonight and I realize that my biggest challenge is to remain emotionally calm while making my point. My H has been lying to me about the OW. I do believe the A is over, however he has not cut off contact and is justifying his behavior. I think if I can maintain a very calm composure and express myself well I can salvage this setback.
I need for H and for the MC to "get me" on this. First, I need to get very clear with myself what it is that my point is without getting off track.
1- I need complete honesty about the OW. I do not want to fight to stay in an open marriage.
2- I do not want to hear excuses about the OW. I don't care if its awkward to ignore her, or he "forgot" to block her online, or "they just ran into each other." If it is over it should be OVER. If it isn't over, then tell me (back to point #1)
3- I am no longer pursuing him so he has to start pursuing me. I guess I can't really say that, can I? But he keeps saying things like, "I was working all day in the dining room, and you could have come in and done your work next to me"???? Ummm, he could have asked me to sit with him, or better yet, take a break and ask me to run out for a cup of coffee with him. Real coffee or the coffee from Lonelees post, I'd be ok with either one!
Since I stopped pursuing we speak maybe 2 sentences a day to each other.
So maybe I should stick with points 1 and 2 tonight? 3 is really more my DB strategy.
And now that I am writing this down, I am realizing that it is probably good that H thinks I should sit by him while he is working. True, that is not quality time, and true, he isn't communicating with me, but if he wants me near him that is a good thing, right?
Maybe this week I will just sit in the room with him for a few minutes at a time while he is working- maybe limit it to 20 minutes or so once or twice a day, just quiet time, and not think of it as pursuing.
