Will do, Cadet. I'm doing the homework and reading every thread I can. This forum is really the only thing giving me any hope and helping me chill out mentally.
She finally responded to my message about the credit website she asked me for with a simple "Thank you". I'm not sure how to respond, or if I should at all.
The letter will be there soon. I'm starting to get really nervous with how she might react when she gets it. I hope
I didn't screw up too badly by telling her I was going to back off and give her time to choose her own path and figure out the things she needs to figure out. I mean, thats what she said she needed and I know I was smothering her. I hope some good comes from it.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Thanks again for the help and thank you for your service as well.
Sorry for another post. I'm just really freaking out. Just got notification my letter was delivered. My heart is racing and I'm super anxious. I know this is what needed to happen (giving her space and stop trying to convince her to stay) but I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. The only thing giving me hope is the homework and that I've felt like everything I've been doing is what I was supposed to do and its led me here to this point. I went to the gym this evening, worked out but this was all on my mind the whole time. Its constantly on my mind. Its terrible. I'll find myself thinking about something else for a few seconds, then BAM! Right back in my own head and freaking out again. Sorry for the rant. This is just really hard. I know you guys know that.
Sorry you're here Raws. I'm a military wife, so I get the 'life'. Listen to Cadet & Toots. They know what they're talking about. You're deployed. Use it as a gift of time. Focus on your changes & better yourself.
Stay safe out there.
M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y S17,D13 D12 IC 11/2014 BD 4/16/15 H home 6/25/15 OW2 EA 6/26/15 MC started 7/22/15 Baby stepping....
Hi Raws, you say you are deployed, if you are in the military then allow me to thank you for your service!
Originally Posted By: raws
As a husband I was total garbage. I took her for granted, said things without taking her feelings into consideration, was lazy and a drunk. I admit that. I knew it then, I was just so deep in a hole I didn't do anything about it.
OK, well it's good that you can see that and admit it. Just understand that her reaction now is because she was hurting for a long, long time. She did not make this decision overnight, she's been thinking about it for months if not years. And now that she has made it, she is scared witless about backing down from it. So don't fight her on it, let her do what she feels she needs to do. Dobson's book talks about how the WAS feels caged, and the LBS has to open the cage door. If you beg/ plead for her to stay she is going to feel even more caged in. If you tell her "I know you've been through a lot, and that you feel this is the best course of action. I want you to know that I care about you and support your decision whatever it may be, and will continue to support you" then that cage door creaks open a little. And when you open the cage door and the bird knows it can leave anytime, it no longer feels the pressure to escape and it might just stay there. So like DB says, pull back. Remove all pressure. Give her time and space. Respect her wishes. Support her. Validate her.
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Since things have started to go downhill I have begun really trying to get it together. I'm growing everyday and really trying to focus on being more healthy, kinder, giving and positive, which, as Im sure you can imagine, is pretty difficult at the moment. I haven't drank in 3 months, I've lost 30 lbs, begun working out 2-3 times a day, started eating healthy, reading more books and trying to find new hobbies.
That's all great stuff, congrats! But she needs lots of time to believe your changes are real and not just tricks to get her back. The damage that took years to do is going to take years to undo. Be patient.
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None of these things matter to her since she can't see them because I'm gone
It makes it more difficult, but you're changing for YOU, not HER. Change for YOU and she will eventually know it, and believe it.
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I post what i can on FB or IG because I know she'll see them and hopefully realize I'm making an honest effort at bettering myself, but I want avoid looking like a self absorbed turd as well.
Yeah be careful with that. She will see it as an attempt to trick her into coming back rather than genuine effort.
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Unfortunately, I have also continued to push her away by asking her to reconsider, trying to convince her I'm serious about changing and being jealous at times as well.
You've got to stop that. Print out Sandi's rules and keep them in your pocket or tape them to your monitor if you have to.
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Ready to do what is needed to make the relationship flourish.
Put that thought out of your head. Like Cadet says, you need to take your marriage and put it in a box, wrap a ribbon around it and put it up on the top shelf of the closet. It’s going to stay there for a long, long time while you’re working on yourself and giving your W time and space. You’re in no position to make the relationship flourish, you don’t even have a relationship right now. You’ve got to build the groundwork first, and that means making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave.
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I had no contact with her on Tuesday which was super tough. Wednesday evening I finally caved and sent her a message saying "I just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm thinking about you." She didn't respond to it.
First, quit sending stuff like that, you're just putting pressure on her. Second, get used to her not responding, that's SOP for a WAS.
Originally Posted By: raws
Sorry for another post. I'm just really freaking out. Just got notification my letter was delivered. My heart is racing and I'm super anxious. I know this is what needed to happen (giving her space and stop trying to convince her to stay) but I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. The only thing giving me hope is the homework and that I've felt like everything I've been doing is what I was supposed to do and its led me here to this point. I went to the gym this evening, worked out but this was all on my mind the whole time. Its constantly on my mind. Its terrible. I'll find myself thinking about something else for a few seconds, then BAM! Right back in my own head and freaking out again. Sorry for the rant. This is just really hard. I know you guys know that.
Yes it is very, very difficult. It makes everything you do at work and home almost impossible. I remember the anxiety attacks and having to leave my desk because fight-or-flight kicked in. Don’t you wish you could just flip a switch and turn it off! I wish I had a magic potion to send you, but unfortunately the only way through it is to go through it. There are no shortcuts. Don’t bury the pain, let it happen. You’ll work through it faster. If you feel depression setting in, by all means see a doctor. I took A/D’s for about 6 months and truly believe they saved me from suicide and returned me to my old, normal self.
Regarding the letter, many of us wrote such a letter or email to our WAS. You ready for the shocker? She’ll more than likely never reply to it or even acknowledge she got it. She will probably read it, then throw it in the trash. It means nothing to her right now. I keep referencing this thread of Sandi’s but it is a real gem:
Im in the same shape so I know exactly what you are feeling. However, im not away from home. im so sorry for what is happening but from what im learning here, there is no easy solution. My wife and I are still in the same house for now and sometimes I think it would be easier if we were not.
I know what you mean about not being able to shake the bad thoughts. Ive been going through this hell for almost 6 months now I still cant seem to keep it together.
I will say that finding my way to this site has helped a great deal. Take care.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Thank you all for the support. I hung out with some friends last night and was able to laugh and smile and put on the happy face even though it was eating me up inside. AnotherStander, you make a lot of great points and I'll do my best to keep them in my mind. I'm constantly playing back the last few months and beating myself up about "why didn't I get it together earlier, why did I continue to push her away?" Stuff like that. It makes things super difficult.
One question, when you say validate her, do you mean agree with her saying she's done and wants to separate and divorce? I'll stop with the posts and just let her see the changes when I get home. I'm learning patience and its a painful process. What a mess I've made.
I'm constantly playing back the last few months and beating myself up about "why didn't I get it together earlier, why did I continue to push her away?"
OK we all have done that, just know that it would not have mattered. You didn't break her and you can not FIX her. Start working on yourself now and become the best YOU can be.
The problem every human faces when things are going wrong is we think about stuff and then go round on it again, and again, and again... What happens each time you go round the loop is that you embellish things, so what was dark becomes all enveloping and it feels impossible to get out of the hole your mind has created for itself.
What you need to do is to break the cycle of the thought going round your head by distracting yourself, it's part of what GAL is all about and you also need to develop strategies for when those thoughts start to loom and take action when there isn't time to distract yourself with your GAL activities.
Many find Mindfulness Meditation the way forward - Google it there's tons out there especially the Oxford University web site, which is where the scientically proven technique was first established.
It helps you, in only 10-20 minutes a day, to gently train your mind to refocus itself onto something in the present, not the past or future. It then takes you a step further (the unique facet of Mindfulness Meditation) and guides you towards observing painful thoughts and allowing them to happen and understand how they are effecting you. But you are the observer and this simple technique, that takes a while to master, will help you to deal with all the cr@p that you have to deal with and keep you from ending up at the bottom of a deep, dark well of pity and despair. You become like a bystander of someone else's thought but they are you own
When I first came across it, I was very sceptical but stuck with it and wow, the results are amazing, just don't expect it to work overnight, it kind of creeps up on you and the benefits take you unawares, in the nicest possible way.
As everyone says, keep posting there are many here to help you in many ways that you don't even know you need just yet.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
