new here

[lonelee]

Ok so im hearing that im not doing dark quite right and that im spending too much time with my S.

If we are getting along and it makes me feel better to see him I shouldnt do it?
If we are having fun and no R talking I shouldnt do it?
If we txt every few days and its about nothing much at all I shouldnt do it?

[Vanilla]

Lonlee, you must do that which works, always.

Above all and everything, if that which you are doing is working for you, then it's what it is.

But you are not doing dark, but that is ok, going dark is to protect you.

So yes, if it's working do it, when it doesn't change it.

Be aware your WH is wayward and protect your health, and have no expectations.

Take your time.

V

[lonelee]

I have to admit something here, i have an addiction, to this website!! it is hard to GAL when i find myself drawn here.. i don't eat, i don't do house work and i don't cook anymore. Oh maybe that's because i got fired from being a wife and i no longer have to do those things so maybe I am GAL.. hahaha

[asitis]

While you aren't going dark, you are doing what is advised which is not initiating contact. If he initiates, let it sit so you don't replay back right away, then decide whether you want to reply. Friendly, light, and brief. You are leaving him wanting more. If he wants to engage more, you can always be busy w/ plans, so you can't text now.

You also want to be focusing on GAL. If he is mildly interested still, but thinks he can continue on the same path wo/ consequence, he won't change that. Why should he? He's getting what he wants: freedom and the W on the side for his emotional and sexual needs. He may not be actively pursuing the A, but he has had an A & you don't know what else he is up to other than you don't think he is w/ that particular OW.

Drawing boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable to you is important so that you don't feel taken advantage of. Will you still feel the same if he decides to leave for good? What if you find out he is sleeping with others and hasn't been telling you. How will you feel then?

I understand you want to be accommodating and pleasing, thinking this will lure him back. Thinking that you will not stay put and let him continue to play his game and thinking that he might lose you will be what pulls him back.

You've started down that path, I'd just suggest less accommodation, more boundaries, and more GAL as your lure.

[lonelee]

Asitis... thank you so much for stating this to me certainly some good advise that i will consider and reconsider and consider some more.

{You also want to be focusing on GAL. If he is mildly interested still, but thinks he can continue on the same path wo/ consequence, he won't change that. }

You are probably right i am not setting good boundaries or dealing him consequences by being too available. I do deserve to demand more respect from him don't I? I hadn't really thought of it in that way. even tho i'm sure it has been said here before.

{Drawing boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable to you is important so that you don't feel taken advantage of. }

{Will you still feel the same if he decides to leave for good? What if you find out he is sleeping with others and hasn't been telling you. How will you feel then?}

Hadn't actually thought of this at all ...i guess i'm still in the denial stage a little bit too?

{I understand you want to be accommodating and pleasing, thinking this will lure him back. Thinking that you will not stay put and let him continue to play his game and thinking that he might lose you will be what pulls him back}

Is this the reality? Is this the DB method? Is this from a mans perspective? Is this tried and true? I am not asking this sarcastically as it may sound that way here, i am honestly asking from where this advice originates?

It does sound like i have some more soul searching to do. thank you thank you ...

i do deserve respect i do deserve more...

[asitis]

Yes, if you have been too accommodating and doing whatever it takes to keep him, that is a kind of pursuit. It is when they start to feel the consequences of their choices and don't like them that they reconsider. It is also a 180. It tells him, this is not the person I assumed and am not happy with. Gets them looking at you again rather than just projecting who they have come to think of you as onto you.

There are no guarantees and there are no one-sized fits all solutions, it is all based on trying something different from what has been working and then looking for little signs of change.

In some ways figuring out what those little baby-step signs are in your case. What would indicate to you that what you were trying was working? This is not that he comes back and commits to work on the M, as that is the end goal. What would be the first small signs, if repeated, that things are starting to move in the right direction?

[Vanilla]

IMO ... (disclaimer coming) and I'm new here and have been honest and upfront that i'm not always doing exactly text book DB but i'm trying what portions i think pertain to my situation and trying tid bits here and there. Read my posts and you will see i have talked about "Making Coffee" or having SR with my spouse on here a little.

We have still been seeing each other on and off since April when he moved out. I too worried how "Making Coffee" would make me feel after knowing that the time together after would never be long enough for me. However I find that I am not a wreck after. i am peaceful, happy, and satisfied.

I struggle with the fact that prior to separation i had been trying to do things better where he was concerned knowing that i often had neglected that part of our marriage because many of my needs were not being met. He had an affair / having an affair and i own my responsibility in the demise of of our marriage.

I struggle because before I found DB I had figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by changing my habits. before learning of 180 i had become more aggressive with asking for what i wanted, changed my wardrobe some, wore sexy nighties, thongs and started texting him flirty messages and sending sexy pictures etc. I got his attention back big time.

NOW I come here and learn about the 180's and figure i cant change that again can I ? or does that seem like it was just a temporary move to get him back... Im actually enjoying the changes myself because it is what I actually wanted as well i just couldn't express my needs well enough for him to understand and vise versa for him.

Im not sure what your sit are like FOGG or ASITIS but i wanted to share that you maybe able to "make coffee" with your spouses and still walk away feeling confidant, happy and refreshed. I know I do and i often wonder what he is thinking after because not once have I cried or even stayed for a cuddle after or spent the night with him since. I take him and leave him just like a man would do.. oops that wasn't nice to say... i take him and leave him just like a strong willed, confidant, sexy woman who's enjoying it for what it's worth.

Im hoping that he is left wondering where my emotions are at. but I wont ask.. not gonna do it.

I posted this to your thread because my attitude was very like yours. If it's working for you, making you feel good then it's ok in my book. There is one thing about WH and I, we enjoyed cappuccino and the drinking of it I will never regret that. If I had my time over I would insist on a lid on the cup and to realise it was a paper cup to recycle.

Remember caffeine is very addictive so limit the cups, and occasionally detox and have a glass of water and an early night. Leave the barista wanting for more, visit the coffee shop on your terms. Add a splash of Vanilla Syrup too, liberal dash of spirit.

It isn't chasing, it's getting coffee with cream and sugar, on your terms.

When it's not for you, have tea instead. There are ways of preparing your own brew.

One caveat, take care of your sexual health and no expectations.

V

[lonelee]

I appreciate you Vanilla and your play on words made my day

[gonegrl]

I am just catching up on your sitch, lonelee and I am laughing at the coffee jokes!

Definitely put a lid on your cup. Darn it, now I want some coffee.

You sound like you are doing great, staying strong, and keeping your sense of humor.

[lonelee]

Guess who texted me first two days in a row ?
Guess who was cool as a cucumber? Who also prolonged her response time (Now I am always busy), responded with one liners, used validation and wasn't the last to respond??
Yep that’d be me!! 

Getting there slowly .. as it should be.

For Uphill you had asked a few days ago and to others reading this as well

the small changes I’ve noticed lately are

H is making the bed at his place… well at least whenever I’ve been there to see it.
(this is after I mentioned that I like the bed to be made as it is welcoming at the end of the day and he was always the last to rise).

He's begun to use the word sorry to me more often after he realizes that he's hurt my feelings about something that I have called him on or just in general using it appropriately.
(Back in April after BD I had mentioned in one of our talks that I had noticed that he doesn't use sorry very often).

And again recently H is Texting me first.
(H is more jovial in his texts now, flirty and more fun than he was at the beginning of all of this. He will txt more often and for quite a length of time before needing to stop. often I will try to stop sooner than he.)

Small things as I’ve said, but small changes at least which work towards better communication. I feel listening is happening and the willingness to talk about the little day to day things that we really hadn't been sharing when were living together.

I see these as positives, I am correct right? 

Lastly, two weeks ago H had asked me to go away with him and I was unavailable due to work and kind of relieved at the same time. Well he has asked me again for this weekend or next.. not sure how many times I can refuse this offer to spend more than just a few hours with him. He says he is not concerned about it where I did express my concerns. thoughts??