as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 2)

[asitis]

Had to run over to the house, as I left a medication there. Got to compliment my wife on the drawings she has done and how much it always amazes me that she can do that so well. Our S6 is a small image in one, but I picked up on it, and told said that she captured something about the way he stands when he is pondering. We talked about that & neither of us can actually describe it fully, but she captured it so that despite the image being only a couple inches high & facing away from viewer, it was still so obviously our S. On that good note, I took my leave.

[asitis]

So after some good days, there seems to always be a let down. It's almost like clock work. I think part is that I'm having to work on schedule changes with W because the fall semester w/ both of us working and me taking classes will require some changes. It does get frustrating having to do this. Not that we fight over things, it's just a drag.

Also, I'm going to end up with potentially less time & not being free times that I have some regular GAL activities that I want to continue. Plus we're having to ponder after school day care for the older S, which neither of us likes or think will be good for him (he has some struggles and needs the quiet down time of home and a parent).

On top of that, I'm facing the stress of an incredibly busy semester with classes, less time with the kids, and no end in sight on the S (That's both good and bad right? But even if you tell yourself the good signs lately shouldn't cause you to get your hopes up, they still do). I had more contact w/ the W than usual today (mostly over schedule & talking through an offer I had that would affect her), and no more hopeful signs to perk me. Plus, I say her with the kids out today, and kids act like they don't want to be with me because they worry that I'll be taking them from their mom. It's always hard to deal with that, as it shouldn't be like that for the kids.

W talking more like the current arrangement is just the new norm & she's fine with it didn't help. Maybe she's not feeling that way, but she's not letting on anything other than that. I know you can't tell and shouldn't read into it, but it still pops into your head.

Anyway, a bit of a downer of a day. Nothing much to do tonight. Wishing I had some friends to call up and do something with, but while I have more GAL activities, none have produced friends wo/ families that would just be up for doing something.

Done being Eeyore for now.

[asitis]

One of the things I've been pondering is how to proceed on the issue raised by my W a month ago about using a mediator to better separate our finances. I agreed to that and I mentioned that I would contact the person who had given me a referral to a local mediator w/ a counseling background rather than a legal. I did follow up, but have yet to receive a response from that person with the referral info.

A month has gone by. W hasn't brought it up, and I've mentioned some financial matters that I've worked on to our mutual benefit in the meantime (like processing some dependent care reimbursement that she gets taken out of her paycheck - yes, I know that she could do it, but it was my idea, I know how it is done, and I had said I would before thinking it through).

So, should I raise the issue by telling her I haven't heard back from the person with the referral? Or just say nothing? It is an issue, and we do need to keep addressing the finances. It is something that I have concerns about too (i.e., this isn't just something she has issues about w/ me, but that I have issues w/ her actions and behavior and habits).

I'll take it up w/ my DB coach next week, but I'm curious what others' thoughts are so that I can think it through more before I have that call.

[Fogg]

The art supplies sounds like something in my sitch also. I bought W a bunch of baking supplies and a nice kitchenaid mixer to use for Christmas this past year. She loves baking and recently did some of it.

But even if you tell yourself the good signs lately shouldn't cause you to get your hopes up, they still do

W talking more like the current arrangement is just the new norm & she's fine with it didn't help.

Yep, you will continue to do that for a while until the disappointment hurts too much, then you do is less often.

That's something that has annoyed me quite a bit but I'm actually starting to accept it lately. Its this weird dynamic about letting go. She sees the current sitch as the norm and don't like it but pretend things are fine. Its not until you finally let go and are fine with it being the norm that they may realize they don't like it either.

I'm not sure on the financial matters so I would just talk to your coach. If its something that can wait a week let it go until she brings it up.

[tkdmme]

I'm Kind Of IN THE Same situation. W wants to split the finances. However she can't afford to make the house payment or the the kids school payment. She asked for this and then said it's not fair for me to have more money than her after bills are paid. I am in control of both of our money now. Thinking about letting her make the first move on taking her pay out of the family account. She will be shocked to see how much she contributes to the bills. She has thousands in credit card and school payments. Other than the house I'm debt free.

[asitis]

My suggestion is that you work through a mediator (and one who is trained to deal with the emotional side of things) if you really have to separate the finances. Having a neutral party who can speak truth to both of you and perhaps get you working collaboratively rather than oppositionally can be part of the process to work on other aspects of the R.

I'm grateful that my W wants to go that route.

[asitis]

Yesterday, I had plans to go over to the house to do yard work and maybe some other chores. We have to do some of these on the days the other is at the house watching the kids, as things like lawn mowing can't be done while we are single parenting.

And before I start, this isn't going to be some discovery of things she has kept hidden, just a good DBing moment.

Anyway, text to say I'm coming over & if she can want to consult about a couple of the projects we need to take care of in the next two weeks. No response. About an hour later, text again: Haven't heard back, waiting to know if it's OK to come over. About half an hour goes by, and I figure, she let her phone run down, or it is not receiving texts properly (it does this when she doesn't occasionally re-start it), or she is doing something where she can't hear it in her purse. So, I decide to do something with the unexpected free time. Go to the book store find a book, order a coffee and sit and read my book. Very enjoyable.

When I was driving to the book store, saw W driving to the apartment w/ the kids to use the pool (it's free, so we use it rather than the public pools). She clearly didn't see me. Coming home, we cross paths again in the cars in the apartment parking lot, get a cheery wave from W.

This morning get text that she must have been in the pool when I texted yesterday. This is the fun part: "No, it was earlier, but no big deal. When u didn't respond, made plans & went to have coffee. Had a lot more fun that I would have mowing : )" I love GAL. It is entirely true that I can now go out and really enjoy myself by myself. And, yes it is a bit of fun to let W know I'm not sitting around moping but getting on w/ my life. It really makes a difference when you learn to appreciate these things that seemed to be so far away when everything was falling apart, or for that matter even before when your life was on cruise control and you didn't stop and appreciate those moments the way we can now.

Down side is that the lawn didn't get cut, and it isn't getting any shorter. Now to clean the apartment and get over to play with the kids. The yard will wait a few days. It'll be a bit harder and take a bit longer, but I would have had to do it again next weekend anyway. Hard to get me down when I'm getting the kids!

[asitis]

So one of the things that has nagged at me since feelings and desire for my W has returned recently is struggling w/ that desire. I really wish at times there were a way to suggest to W that I wouldn't read anything into her wanting to be intimate, even if it was just cuddling. I know that is pursuit so I won't do it, but it sometimes frustrates me that she might be open to this if she knew I wouldn't read anything into it other than what it was.

It's been such a long time, and I'm not going to stray outside the M. I guess I missed out on the great break up sex myth that we are all supposed to believe is happening to everyone but us. Ah well.

I've had some very salacious dreams featuring my W lately (something that I haven't had for the entire S until the last few weeks), and just feeling some frustration. I know that if her heart isn't in it, it wouldn't be truly satisfying, and that what I want is her love and companionship, not just ...

I know that if she is thinking of me in this way, that letting that frustration build is part of drawing her back in, but damn it can be frustrating when you see her almost every day and sleep in the same beds as she does, and see her undergarments lying around, and - OK, gotta stop.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming

[Fogg]

I had to laugh at this last post because its very similar to how I have felt many times. I've wondered if most of us have similar thoughts but we don't discuss those urges and how we deal with it. I'm not sure about letting her know you would be open to it and it mean nothing. I wanted to tell W something similar long ago and I realize now I doubt I could just cuddle or do anything physical and it not mean anything to me. Especially since my love language is physical touch and hers isn't.

Sleeping in the same bed(at different times), seeing her undergarments lying around, etc. WATCHING HER WALK DOWNSTAIRS IN SMALL BEDTIME SHORTS AND A SKIMPY TANK TOP, kfsadklfhsdhfdshdfsddfgdfgdfgdfgsdfdfgdgf

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[asitis]

Oh it would mean something to me. I just meant that I wouldn't take it to mean anything about where our R is going.

And, yes, it is an under discussed topic here. Coming up with DB-friendly ways to continue that aspect of the M while we let the dust settle & even move things toward a happy ending (in the sense of the M, not the sense of, well, you know ) would be extremely well received I suspect. Maybe we start a thread on what doesn't work and those who have successfully DBed their M can add anything that did work. I'm sure we'll find out we are far from alone in this struggle.

I further suspect that we'll just find out what we already know: just keep DBing and don't reject an offer unless their is an ongoing A. Still, if someone had an idea that led to a new DB technique, they'd go down in this forum's lore as one of our most beloved members.