Hello

[714Dad]

[this is all whine, so skip it if you want, just the feels coming out].

i just can't. she is the love of my life and everything i ever wanted and i just drove her away.

my D3 said yesterday "but mom's never coming back here, that's sad." after i said that 'my' house was still their home too.

i find photos of her with my girls in the photobooth program on the computer and she's the most beautiful woman in the world. why didn't i tell her all the time. not just in the past year? i always thought it, from the moment she woke up with her hair messed up and eyes puffy. i always loved how she looked. i never once said she didn't look good. i just didn't say she was beautiful enough. ever.

she was smart, funny, loyal, honest, a great cook, a great mother, and a great friend, an selfless lover, and just amazing. and i just smothered her and was stubborn and mean. i let her cry in the bathroom alone a few years back, several times. i could have opened the door and given her a hug, made a joke, told her i loved her. anything.

i felt for a long time like i didn't deserve her, even when i was mad at her, and now i just feel it even more. and so if i'm not around maybe she will finally be happy. i just want to go for a walk and hold her hand and be 18 again and do it all over.

i hate it when these feelings come and i can't seem to control them. i want to detach and be okay with this - but i had never ever thought it would happen and so i have no way to cope with it. it is slowly getting better but it's still so raw and so horrible feeling. and the waves come in and

just crush me so often.

i just keep thinking i'll wake up and this will be some alternate reality. i don't want to think that, but it almost feels involuntary.

maybe maybe maybe i just keep thinking.

i hate memories. i hate hindsight. i hate it.

[CaliGuy]

714

Hang in there man ... it does get better.

[Vanilla]

I would like to share my 12 step guidance which saw me through the first couple of months of my pain. I am a Gamanon member which is for spouses of gamblers.

There are two days in every week
about which we should not worry,
Two days which should be kept free of fear and apprehension.

One of these days is YESTERDAY,
With its mistakes and cares,
Its faults and blunders,
Its aches and pains.
YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY.
We cannot undo a single act we performed;
We cannot erase a single word we said.
YESTERDAY is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW
With its possible adversities, its burdens, its larger promise.
TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW, the sun will rise,
Either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,
But it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW
For it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - TODAY.
Any man can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities
- YESTERDAY and TOMORROW -
That we break down.

It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad.
It is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY
And the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but ONE day at a time.

---------------------------
The above was written anonymously.

Peace and rest

V

[714Dad]

putting my wedding band back on. for me.

i am not done. i am not giving up hope.

i vowed to stay married and i will.

i will not give up on her.

i will not leave.

[714Dad]

Hey CaliGuy, how long did it take for you to begin to feel the detachment?

i have no contact with my W at all right now, but i think about her every ten seconds it feels like.

I went to another dance thing tonight as a GAL 180 but i just can't stop thinking about her all the time. no other women are pretty, everyone else has something wrong with them but her. etc. etc.

i pray to accept this and for her to be happy but i break down and sob almost every time.

what worked for you to detach? did anything work really well?

[CaliGuy]

Hey CaliGuy, how long did it take for you to begin to feel the detachment?

i have no contact with my W at all right now, but i think about her every ten seconds it feels like.

I went to another dance thing tonight as a GAL 180 but i just can't stop thinking about her all the time. no other women are pretty, everyone else has something wrong with them but her. etc. etc.

i pray to accept this and for her to be happy but i break down and sob almost every time.

what worked for you to detach? did anything work really well?

714

Thats a good question, truthfully I do not know if I ever felt totally 'free' if you know what I mean .... and definitely it was not a "On April 4th I detached 100%" type thing. You do not just go from 0 to 100% in a day.... its a gradual process and it takes time .. and WORK. I chalked this up to 24 years together ... even apart I felt her on some level.

Slowly her spew sessions did not effect me. Her puppy dog eyes no longer melted me. I did not feel an urge to help her. I hit a point I wanted off the roller coaster and free from the pain and finally believed I deserved better, I looked at myself in the mirror and liked who was looking back, I stood tall knowing I did all I could and ... well ... sometimes that was not enough. I was ok with it all to be honest, I knew that I would be just fine without her.

That's when I feel like I detached to a point I was no longer a LBH ... I was just me. This was Nov 14, so about a year after BD for me. Some are better at this and can pull it off faster .. again .. its a gradual process, we are the ones still wanting the M and feel like hanging on to some level is the way back, I can tell you after going through this .. its not.

What worked early ... I declared my W was a science project, I would track things, what got a good response, or bad .. I tracked good and bad days along with the volume of contact and watched for trends ... even took her PMS cycle into account ... YES I did these things. But doing that removed the emotion for me ... that helped.

Later on.. I was done with the hurt, the pain, I was ready for the next chapter. In my sitch it just so happened to be Holiday season, I decided new traditions ... if this was my life so be it. I did not invite W, in fact .... I was clear she was not invited.

Its tough, but you have to be strong and act as if ... its like .. ok so you just served me a chit sandwich .. fine, not what I wanted but I will not break, I will be fine in-spite of all this ... heck not fine, I will be even better, just watch.

[Wet]

^^^ good stuff from both Vanilla and CaliGuy. Let me add a couple of other thoughts. First, DB and the Board preach GAL to help us detach. GAL helps in a couple of ways. Mainly by keeping our minds off of ourselves (and our wives) and our problems, and re-focusing our thoughts on others or on whatever GAL activity we are doing. GAL not only makes us a more interesting person, but also helps us keep our minds occupied.

My other thought is that I found it easier to detach from my W by understanding that my W has already left, and she will likely never come back. Once I really grasped that the outcome of my marriage, whether the divorce goes thru or there is some sort of reconciliation, it is out of my control. And I must be healthy and happy whatever happens to our R, and whatever comes down the road.

[CaliGuy]

X2 ^^ (well said Wet)

Thats where GAL really does help curb the 'cravings' if you will

And as Wet points out .. does not hurt we all were fired ... no sense going to work when we are not getting paid right?

[714Dad]

Mediator called Friday. They received the petition for dissolution of marriage.

I had the girls all weekend. GAL went to the fair and had great fun with the girls, but wished my W was there most of the time. Especially when I saw a crepes with nutella stand. that was her favorite thing in paris.

D3 told me mom was going to take grandma to paris. made my heart clench because that was in my five year plan. but i pushed through it telling myself, "i'm happy for her to be happy. i want her to be herself. i love her and she deserves to be happy."

I had a small dinner for D6 because it was her birthday. W and i agreed that the party was a joint event the next day. She saw photos and was livid saying i had a party without her. there were some presents from people who couldn't make the other party and there was a small cake that one of her friends brought for her. I should have invited W or told her about it just to reach out, but I didn't want her to get angry. She gets so mad when she comes in the house now.

Speaking of, on sunday she came over to get some linens and got really upset over the paining i'd done and the glow in the dark stars i put up in the girls room. she said something like, "how come now you can do all these things that i wanted you to do for years when we were married!?" then she got really agitated and whisper yelled "that's it we're selling this house!" i just kept quiet. she looked at me and said,"I hate you, I hate you." as she was looking through drawers and seeing the things i've changed (which i did when they were gone over a month ago). (i've even started ironing clothes because i can now).

the only reason she saw the changes in the house was because D3 and D6 were really excited to show her.

had D6s official party. it was horrible to have to be so close to my W and not be able to talk to her or touch her or be affectionate. i got into a confident mood after a while and was more assertive.

i looked at my wife at the end of the party and sincerely thanked her for planning the afternoon. I told her I was sorry and I hadn't intended to hurt her feelings by not telling her about the dinner last night.

As we left I told her how nice it was to see her smiling and laughing again. she let a smile crack her usually stone faced facade and i turned away and went home with my girls to ride scooters and play frisbee. then we watched tv and i got them into bed.

so today i just can't stop thinking about her. i need to detach and not feel so badly. but she looked so amazing. she's obviously been working out, and she's as gorgeous as ever. it's agonizing to see her and just have her be an acquaintance i know at a party.

God how badly i want to stop feeling this. It's so hard to watch all of this future slip away. All these plans in the sand, and i never noticed how the tide was coming in all this time. now they're just being washed away and there's nothing i can do to stop them.

[Vanilla]

Sweetheart,

If you hadn't done an unofficial party for D then D would have been disappointed no doubt.

And WW might have said "nothing for D on her birthday?" Damn if you do, damn if you don't.

In this instance you were the loving dad and D came first, birthdays are mega important on the day especially to Ds. Parties are good but real birthdays have memories.

Spot on in my book, priority sorted.

V