HI Toots! I am not prepared at all! It is kind of scary! I would be ok practically and after a few days of grieving and adjusting I may be ok emotionally. Financially is another question. Sometimes I feel living here with him is really hindering me. I need to detatch from that. I think it is possible to do that living her but I need to figure it out!
So I will make this next 7 days about learning more about anger control and self respect. I will start looking for information on them.
If you have any good sites or authors out there I am more than happy to take resources!
Well apparently I'm being ignored again today! He messaged me this morning sent a few chatty messages gave me a hug when I stopped at his work so he could see the girls and then yelled at me when I told him he was denied insurance and hung up on me! I sent 5 pursuing messages he didn't answer a single one so I'm leaving it alone! Toots I did not let it affect my night out still all smiles! I thought about making an excuse and going home to try to talk but I realize it won't do me any good he will just do more of the same ignore me get mad and it would just push him further away so dinner here I come! I think it's a small step not letting him get to me!!
Well apparently I'm being ignored again today! He messaged me this morning sent a few chatty messages gave me a hug when I stopped at his work so he could see the girls and then yelled at me when I told him he was denied insurance and hung up on me! I sent 5 pursuing messages he didn't answer a single one so I'm leaving it alone! Toots I did not let it affect my night out still all smiles! I thought about making an excuse and going home to try to talk but I realize it won't do me any good he will just do more of the same ignore me get mad and it would just push him further away so dinner here I come! I think it's a small step not letting him get to me!!
I would try to avoid borrowing trouble. How do you know he was denied insurance, and why did you tell him? Right now, your position with him is so weak, you shouldn't relay any bad news of any kind to him. I'm sure it's upsetting to be denied insurance, so he will connect the negative emotions with you. He will find out soon enough, was this a letter someone sent to him? Don't open his mail, don't relay messages.
I know that in my role as mom and housewife, I often approached H with problems that came up with the kids, or financial issues. It was often the first thing he would hear from me when he called after work, and although everyday life consists of many problems and housekeeping issues that need to be sorted out, timing is crucial. That was one of my 180s, to stop complaining to H about things that happened, and stop delivering bad news he'd find out about soon enough already. Also to stay out of any problem that wasn't my problem, like his relationship with his children.
If you think of this in very basic terms, it's like Pavlov's dogs - they heard a bell whenever they got fed, and after a while, the sound of the bell made them think of food, so they started salivating just because the bell rang, even when there was no food. Consider carefully what H thinks about when he hears your voice or sees you. And make that one of your 180 turnarounds.
Also, 5 pursuing texts... next time, send no texts...
Enjoy your dinner out!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter hi! He got a letter from the state insurance that he made to much! I opened it because I take care of all the mail bills daycare assistance ect! If I did not open it he would have blamed me for not telling him as I take care of it all! He said it was no big deal and I pushed it was that he needs insurance and he hung up on me and refuses to talk to me! We are supposed to take D8 out for her birthday tomorrow but if we can not even speak im not sure it is a good idea! I am sure he will be civil and I do not want to leave him out! I am not sure how to get to a calm again! Tomorrows goal is to not text at all!
Put his mail where he will see it and stop taking care of it. You're enabling him so he doesn't have to run his life and has more time for OW.
If he doesn't have insurance, does it impact you? This is detachment. Don't be his mom. A lot of women lose their men because they go from being girlfriend to mother. It can sneak up on you, because we're good girls who do what we're supposed to, and they seem to want you to do it.
Have you ever tried to meditate? There are many short meditations online that you can try. Just 5 minutes can bring amazing calm.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I have been following your sitch for a while, finding lots of similarities in our behaviours in our relationships. The mere fact you describe your relationship as on and off, makes me feel akin to you!
I wrote the book on codependency, my life has been rescueing one needy,damaged and emotionally unavailable man after another. My high school crush was a drug addict, and I was his best friend, helped get him clean and straight, only to find a girlfriend, which prompted him to move out of town, he returned, diagnosed with drug induced schizophrenia, I helped him get well and left town for another woman, "thanks jellybaby" he said "I would never have found her without you". The list goes on! One drama after another!!!
Well I loved the drama and chaos of it all, I became not only addicted to the drama and chaos but the to feeling of being needed. And my god when they would get bored of my constant attention and neediness, I would be devastated by their pulling back. They were denying me my drug of choice.
What follows next is not an intention to be unkind, I say this with great love and empathy, as someone who is facing this addiction too. We mainline these men. They are our crack, or heroin. We suck them up a needle and we inject them into our arms and we wait for the rush. The 5 texts ( what you call pursuing), is also called withdrawal. When we don't get that hit, we are left anxious, angry, frustrated, scared, abandoned, rejected.
The best way to start recovery from drug addiction. STOP using the drug. Giving up this kind of relationship crack is not easy, but that is why you are here, in DBing rehab. No contact and no pursuing is the start of your detox from this man that has become your drug. Coming to the board here we are your peer support, we know the pain, the struggle, the pitfalls and the excuses! Me particularly with regard to the excuses. Lol
4mykids this situation gets a whole lot better when you get comfortable with silence and no drama. Right now your man is all about the drama. You can keep getting your fix, or you can save yourself and those beautiful kids.
Please don't take anything I have said unkindly, I know it stings when this lovely DB family challenge you to do something different. I'm still on this journey dealing with my own addiction, but let me save you some time and self esteem and self worth, you can't kick relationship crack when you are still in the relationship. And my friend you are still very much in a relationship. You are not currently in a relationship with a kind, loving man who treasures you and believes you are his prize. You are in a relationship with your drug and this man is your dealer!
I'm here 4mykids, I don't post often on people's threads because I feel there are far better and more insightful and able people here than me, but I know the path you are walking.
This situation is just getting worse! Got a message this morning that we are strictly friends I need to move out he can't keep doing this fighting with me and back and forth anymore! Well neither can I! I am sure it is my emotions running me right now but I wish I was moving! I think it would be so much easier but I know he would not be able to see my progress! He stated the other day I was absolutely not working on myself and I lie everytime I say I will! Back to me! Obviously we have text several times already this morning we are supposed to go out with D for her birthday I almost don't even want him to come! I am counting days down until he is gone for a week! Ok rant over back to me! How can I become emotionally detached stop arguing (more of the same) verbally abusive (more of the same) anger control(more of the same) less co dependent (more of the same)! I need to answer this! Let's start with anger! If I can control my anger that will help with verbal abuse stress could help with detachment as if I'm not angry I'm not holding power and resentment! It seems like anger and needs are what is holding me back! So how shall I deal with them? Small steps and goals! I need to recognize when I am getting angry journal my feelings and not hold in my anger but voice it in a calm way!
So goal: 1. I will take 3 deep breaths as I start to feel anxious 2. I will take a 3 minute walk to give me space 3. I will understand that we do not have to agree we both can feel our choice is best 4. I will re read validation thread and boundary thread
Anyone have good resources for anger and co dependency?!
Sorry that text was such a trigger for the aniexty. I have managed anxiety for most of my life, so get the sense of urgency and desperation you feel. Are you taking any, meds, IC, meditation. If not , you may want yo consider taking these next steps.
Anxiety is about mastering thoughts and emotions. Often triggers are based in childhood, often related to unmet emotional needs, or emotional and physical invalidation. There is an opportunity here to slow down and figure this out.
Lady V, has some good resources on emotional flooding that I think you would find helpful. I am sure you have read Co dependency no more, and , there are codependency support groups around based on the 12 steps used in AA and Alanon. I believe there are some online groups too, using the 12 steps. The 12 Steps have provided me with real comfort at times. There are many here who use this work as guiding principals for there life. There is peace to be found.
Keep reading DB or DR the principals and practice are solid. anything on boundaries is priceless as the codependent is boundaryless.
And for interesting reading I found "mr unavaliabe and the fallback girl" some real world practical wisdom. Not academic or well researched by any means, but a real read for women you continue to attract the man who continually dictates the terms of the relationship. I believe you can down load the book from I tunes. I could here in nz.
Codependency has as many nauaces and shades as any addiction. Until you understand what it is and what it looks life in your life, it will be difficult to get a handle on it. The good thing is you are here. And starting to ask questions of yourself and about your relationship with your partner.
Lady V and Zelda's abuse thread is an amazing minefield of information. Read up on reactive abuse. I was a terrible one for losing all emotional control when triggered (emotional invalidation is my number I trigger, anytime I feel invisible, rejected or misunderstood by my partner- bang I would be off - my partner would be verbally and emotionally bombarded, ambushed by very thought and emotion I was experiencing in the moment and leading up to the incident). I didn't do angry, but I was cruel with intimate truths I knew about my partner and his vulnerabilities. I feel lots of shame for this, but I am moving through it,
i know from my own life that when I was in emotional crisis from BD, I wasn't in place to make any big decisions. It wasn't till I had my anxiety under control that other pathways and options became clearer.
Breath well, eat well, move well. This my mantra for staying mentally well. With anxiety, when everything else is out if control, these are the things I can do to find control within myself.
Light and love as you continue on this journey 4mykids.
HI JellyB! Thanks for your posts here. I am very verbally and emotionally abusive when I get mad. The nice part of this situation is while he says it is very unlikely we will work it out it is not out of the question. He has said every time we have talked that he would let me know if his feelings change. If his feelings change and he wants to or feels the need to be with me he would tell me. So I assume that means he has not completely given up just most of the way! I need to read on co-dependency and finding yourself again. He states exactly why these situations happen. Its because I act like a baby and throw a fit when I dont get my way. While that sounds abusive the way he says it it is true completely true. Exactly what I do throw a tantrum and throw things from the past in his face. I will also say I will watch the kids then throw in his face that I always have to watch them. He told me today that he gives me more and more respect and then I do this and we go back to this spot where we are only friends barely talking ect so this is where he is keeping it. He informed me today that they are GF and BF and have been for a few months. I find this hard to believe as we have ML at least 3 times since then so I guess he is not being faithful to her either. I am just lost. I need to control the emotions, be kinder, respective, and not so needy. I am so scared I am losing him as a person in my life. I know the past R is gone but I would like to start over on a much more healthy path. I am just plain hurting and scared. At this point I have no control over anything and it is very very scary to me. I need to get my butt in gear and save myself because I can only handle so much. Im sick of this cycle just not sure how to break it! I just want my family back!
I am very verbally and emotionally abusive when I get mad.
At this point I have no control over anything and it is very very scary to me.
I need to get my butt in gear and save myself because I can only handle so much. Im sick of this cycle just not sure how to break it!
You do have control over one thing 4mykid. You have control over you. Sounds like you've got a lot you can work on. Emotions are one thing, actions are another. It's ok to get mad, it's not ok to get emotionally and verbally abusive.
Do you have an IC? Do you have a meditation practice? Do you journal your thoughts and feelings onto paper? Do you workout?
There is much you can do, but until you get a hold of yourself and truly gain control of your actions, your family will not be whole. It sounds like you've got time to work some things out with yourself, some big ticket items.
Control those.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
