MLC SEPERATED AND NO CHANGE PART 3

[job]

Whatever you decide to do, we are here to support you.

[skhdive]

So I tried to talk with H to see If there has been any change before I see L call it a last ditch effort. I didn't say I was seeing L because I am just going to see options. Anyway H became angry I thought he might not because he has been a little more in control with me not so much with S though. H still maintains he doesn't know about us and he has not gone outside marriage. I did ask because last night he lectures my S on lying and how it is wrong to lie. So I reminded him of that and ask for him to be honest. He says he hates coming around because I not pick at him and he does t feel I trust him.

I have tried very hard not to not pick and really believe I haven't as I have learned some things around here. As for trust I don't know how I show or don't show I trust him at this point. I have no idea what he means. And whatever he does for me I always make sure to thank him and never criticize.

Any thoughts or advice on something else I can do I would appreciate it.

[skhdive]

Oh one thing I did do that I should t have though is I let him bait me in because I bought a grill that was on sale because ours has been broke on summer and S and I like to grill. He was mad because he needed rent money and said we were short because I bought grill. So I said you are mad at me for buying grill but you went and bought a Harley. He exploded. I should have let it go.

No undoing that one.

[skhdive]

Talked with L today and she said it sounds like H is very passive aggressive in that he wants someone else to talk the blame for everything wrong so he can look like the good guy to the outside world.

She asked how long I was willing to put up with his living somewhere else while married. she asked how does this look to your S that a family unit should be husband, wife children all living together helping each other out and contributing to the household and how we are doing it now is like accepting it is ok for H to treat me like this and that you can just walk away from your responsibilities.

She said if I don't do something I am just letting H know that what he is doing is ok and he will keep doing it because he basically has he cake and eats it too.

Any thought?

[Sotto]

I think L's are for giving L advice, not R advice. Stick to the forum for R advice I say....

For me L's fall into the well-meaning 'family and friends' ditch his cheating @ss camp.

[asitis]

Trying to catch back up on your sitch. He's in an MLC, and you know that this will take a while, and you are on his timetable unless you want off the ride. My 2 cents is that exploring more clear boundaries is a good alternative to going the L route. You are afraid still if he isn't in contact with you that you will lose hold of him, yet when he is around and you know he will be coming back around again very soon, it makes it hard for you to detach, and that is stressful and painful. No?

So, maybe a clearer separation with clearer boundaries that give you more space while he "figures" things out. I suspect he will bait and attack you for suggesting anything like this, because he wants things his way. You've been serving that agenda and he won't like it if the menu changes and you are the one driving that change. Remind him that you have needs and this arrangement is not working. Validate and offer to consider alternatives once he has some time to think over what you are proposing.

He also needs to see you getting on with your life more, being less focused on him. Him coming over and being around you and being able to engage you whenever he is in the mood, tells him that you are still focused on him, which is what he wants. As long as that continues, there is no reason for him to change anything or deal with anything. Why would he?

Also, don't worry about falling for his baiting. We all slip. The problem is only when it becomes a pattern, which you aren't doing.

Again, it's just my 2 cents, and I know you are already doing some GAL & detaching, but I still see this dynamic in place that will make him changing improbable and continue to test your patience that you see no signs of change.

You mentioned money being tight, but you are already considering paying a L, so have you considered a DB coach? They really are helpful at developing a plan and see things that you are not seeing.

[skhdive]

Toots and Asitis: Thank you, you both make valid points and I am so glad you responded I was feeling at the end of my rope but you have given me new hope and more encouragement to stay the course.

I will take the advice and try to be more forceful about my times I am available. It is just that on the weekends he comes around for both S and me or maybe just S I am not sure and I don't think he is sure.

He did say today that he hates coming around because he thinks I nit pick (again I am not and this I know cuz I watch it) and because of R talk which we haven't done since May.

so maybe I tell him he needs not come to see me but can pick S up and take him somewhere else? What do you guys think? If I say that then he will be like yeah whatever you want and I know he will be mad even though he says he isn't.

Yes it is hard to detach when he comes back around I am good when he is not around or I know or haven't seen him for a couple of days.

[asitis]

Toots and Asitis: Thank you, you both make valid points and I am so glad you responded I was feeling at the end of my rope but you have given me new hope and more encouragement to stay the course.

I will take the advice and try to be more forceful about my times I am available. It is just that on the weekends he comes around for both S and me or maybe just S I am not sure and I don't think he is sure.

He did say today that he hates coming around because he thinks I nit pick (again I am not and this I know cuz I watch it) and because of R talk which we haven't done since May.

so maybe I tell him he needs not come to see me but can pick S up and take him somewhere else? What do you guys think? If I say that then he will be like yeah whatever you want and I know he will be mad even though he says he isn't.

Yes it is hard to detach when he comes back around I am good when he is not around or I know or haven't seen him for a couple of days.

Can he come around whenever, or do you have a set schedule? If he says he hates coming around, definitely suggest he take son out rather than hanging around. If he resists, then you plan to go out once he's there. Even if it is to go take a walk at a park or some place that gives you a break, get out rather than hanging around. Make yourself less available. If he thinks you nitpick, see if he likes not having you around as much.

My coach has stressed thinking in terms of what makes me attractive. Think before I say or do anything, "is this attractive?" Think about the ways you are interacting and whether or not they attract him to you. Is being around the house when he comes over attractive? I don't think it is sending him that message. There is nothing mysterious or interesting about that. You are reminding him of the one thing in the M he isn't interested in right now: the wife. You want him to start viewing you as the friend, and eventually the lover and partner.

Maybe think through what boundaries would give you more peace of mind, give you some time to GAL, and keep the interactions either about co-parenting or brief cheerful discussions with a friendly neighbor.

Look for activities in the area (I think I remember you aren't in a city, so you might have to look farther afield) that you could do on a regular basis, and ask your H to watch your S then. My pottery classes were one of my things, but it could be something at the library, a local college (adult extension education), an art center, a craft shop. Anything that gets you out doing something you think will interest you and get you around other people.

Negotiate which weekend days he can come take your S, and which ones you will get. Then try to do something fun with your S on the days you have him, and plan to do something for yourself the days he does.

You are no longer on the shelf where he put you and wants you to stay. You are making lemonade out of the lemons he handed you. You are someone who is going on with your life and projecting a liveliness that he is not expecting or used to. You aren't just wife that he sees as a drag of obligations and limitations.

Maybe lay out what agreements & understandings you have made with your H? Things like contact, permission to come over, when H can come and when he can't, division of parenting responsibilities, etc.

[skhdive]

All very good points. Yes H does come over when he wants. He will text on a Sunday and ask what we are doing and I will say yard work or pool or hanging out he will then text and say "mind if I stop over" to which I say sure and then he will say he will be over at like 1:30. So maybe I say sure how about and give him a time? Would that make a difference?

And then when he gets there I could say I have an errand to run ?

[asitis]

That might be a step in the right direction, but it still leaves him calling all the shots and not requiring him to carry any of the parenting load and allow you time to live your life. Having to run an errand when he comes over doesn't make you attractive. Having a life does that. He is cake eating and you are there where he left you reacting to whatever his agenda is.

Sunday is his day with your S (or pick the day). You can then make plans to do what you want. If he wants more days, great. If he complains that he doesn't want a fixed schedule, that means he wants to live his life and not reciprocate. Does he think this will be the arrangement after the D? No. You will have a schedule with him having so much time, and you having so much time. So, he thinks he wants that life, now is the time for him to try that on for size.

Don't make it about what he wants and what you want (then it becomes a contest), but say that this arrangement is not working for you or for your S. You need more structure so that you can plan your life ahead of time, and S needs time w/ his dad. You can also say that while you've been saying it's fine that he come over, that hasn't been the case. The current arrangement is for a short hiatus (a month or two), but you are now well beyond that with no sign of change.

See the difference between that and him keep coming over and you running an errand when he does? You need a life. You are entitled to a life, just like he is. And, he may decide he doesn't like the limited time he gets with you, especially if you are clearly going on with life and becoming all interesting and everything. He might even get the idea that you won't stay right where he left you and that may scare some sense into him.