"Lord God, Your kindness never fails. I trust that You will be with me and have mercy on me every morning. I will depend on You from now on. Amen."
xoxo
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey Pink, I'm sorry for where you are now, but it already sounds like you are on your way to healing. "We all deserve better and sometimes we need to let go on the stubbornness and realize that the one we treasure so dear to us is a weak, coward person that does not value their own commitments." This is something I have been telling myself over and over....
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
Hi Pink. I hope today was ok for you. I imagine the next foes days will be very difficult with lots of ups and downs. Try to stay level as best you can. I know this won't be easy for you due to the Latino blood and all that but try your best !
You have great power and you just need to let go of the hurt and pain and let yourself be you. Life was a playground for you once and you played in it every day. These times will return and sooner than you think. Yes you have a house to run and children to look after but you now can be Pink again. How about buying that Yamaha for you and S17 to ride!!!!
This is time to let H be. End of , just let him be
You are a wonderful person and have made a difference to my struggle through this time. I wish we lived closer and you and I , plus a few select DBers could meet once a week to fix the world. I'm sure I will meet at least three people from this site in the real world and you are top of the list.
I do appreciate that we can't exchange details on this board for a very good reason BUT maybe in the future Cadet can exchange a few details if enough coinage is sent via a very private courier !!!
Hello my friends, have some gossips to tell you that sounds really awkward in my humble opinion.
But first, thanks Jim... I am trying to find some balance and peace, I say trying because even feeling a bit easy I have a crazy nature in myself, so I am always on the move. So, if you know what I mean, I never give myself too much time and space to get that introspection. Maybe I need to try some meditation and learn how to be a little slow.
Bob723... thanks for your nice words and the prayer, it is very powerful and true.
PT33... Keep doing the hard work for the M and for yourself, you will too find out that what it is said in these boards by so many before us, is just the real truth. No matter what happens, if you put the right and hard work, you will become a better person and things will not feel so bad after all. Believe, I am not in a hole, much less at the bottom of it.
And of course, my lovely sweet RD...you are the best part of this whole divorce. The idea of meeting in London could actually be a great one. S17 wants to go back there (and if possible never come back to US).
Can you picture us going Put to Put until we can't walk no more and just laugh our hearts out fixing all the problems in the world? It would be the best day of our lives.
About that bike, we will see. I want to save as much as I can now because I need to have at least a year security for all my monthly expenses. I am pretty good with finances, so it won't take too long.
And I like a lot being some "Sherlock Holmes"... I always find all the info I want.
Now, the gossip: XMIL called me yesterday. First she said that she was very sorry about the whole thing and that I should never forget that I will always be part of her family and that she loves me a lot no matter what. I said thank you and said that I will always keep in touch.
The she start saying that she shouldn't say but that XH is going to France, to visit and stay with his brother. I said well, it was expected since now he has the D papers in his hand.
She said: well, I shouldn't be saying this to you but I won't say much more then that he told me he is not with her anymore for awhile ago and that there was some issues about something he found out regarding her trip to Germany. And that he is going to France to put a formal end to their kind of R.
I said that I have no idea of XH plans and to tell the truth it is not much of my business anymore. She said that XH is confused and feeling really miserable. I told her that it is very painful for me to realize that he is willing to be miserable, ruin himself financially, all this to just get rid of me.
She said that things are not exactly the way I am thinking and that XH does not think like that. She then said that she would like to give me an advice and that she knows I can take it or not, but she would like to tell me anyway.
She said that if XH comes back that I should not open the door for him ant take him back with my arms open. She said that if possible that I should tell him that there won't be a reconciliation unless he goes to counseling.
I told her I agree with it, but that is not the case since we just got the big D a day before. I told her that I really do not know where my heart will be in a few months from now, but I do not want to live my life with the illusion that someone will love me again.
She said she understands and really shouldn't be saying all this to me but she feels that she needs to since XH is starting to taste his own mess. She told me she is talking frequently with him and that I have no idea that things are very different then the way I understand and feel because I am very hurt.
We end up the conversation in good terms, she is a good person in a way, besides being MIL. I know she likes me. But, maybe she is also going nuts. Here comes the 2 x 4s but I will write it anyway... WHY DID SHE SAY ALL THIS TO ME, RIGHT AFTER THE D?
I am not very sure if I am the crazy one, including all of you too, or is XH and his family all nuts. Or maybe there is a campaign to drive me insane somehow.
Well, I am not doing anything about and I am trying do not think about, but, I am human, and it bothers me that I still give mental space to think why she said this and why he is saying all this to her? What is the point in all of this? What is really going on with XH?
Hope everyone is OK. And please, you can send all the 2 x 4s I deserve, critical comments, whatever it is I am sure it will help to get my brain straight.
XMIL is probably just concerned for her son and can see what a mess his life is and also probably knows better than he does what he has sacrificed.
The advice she gave is good, but your response was better. You need to live your life and if he ever gets his act together then you can see where your heart is.
Until then enjoy your life and leave H to wallow in his, with you giving him as little thought as possible (easier said than done I know)
I hope you have a great weekend.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, again I agree with you and have been trying to move forward in that direction. That's my goal, because the truth is I do not have any other way around it.
V, that is very interesting the way you put it. I did not think that way at all, but it makes perfect sense since xMIL is calling me more frequently and saying things about her son, his life.
I even got a little surprised because she is very reserved with talking about this whole situation and now she is all going out and saying many things.
Yeah, I do not think that H is the one getting rid of her, but the other way around, if, and just if it happen anyway. Maybe he goes to France in September and they start their lovely romance all over. Who know... they can just go to hell.
Head up, strong and persistent, never back down, follow the dreams and live my life.
I always said I love Scarlett O'Hara from "Gone with the wind" and now I feel once again like her... "I will think about this tomorrow, it will be better tomorrow".
Hi Pink! I've got to say, in reading your xMIL's comments I think she is spot on in so many ways. She actually sounds like a pretty smart cookie. I apologize for not knowing your entire story, one of these days I'll try to play catch up on the sitches I missed during my hiatus from here. Do you know if your H is an MLCer or WAH? Her comments kind of indicate MLCer to me. The biggest difference is an MLCer can be stuck in the fog for much, much longer than a WAH. It usually takes years for them to recover.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
She said that XH is confused and feeling really miserable.
This is very typical. But the LBS is usually so caught up in their own pain and anguish that it's hard to see it, and the WAS tends to put up a cold, hard façade that makes them seem uncaring and unfeeling. But usually inside is a raging storm of confusion, and there is no question that they're hurting. They are constantly second-guessing their actions in tearing the family apart. They know they're hurting everyone around them and they are miserable because of it. There's a whole lot going in there that we never see. DB tries to get to the root of this and teach the WAS to have compassion towards the WAS and what they're going through, but admittedly it's very difficult for most of us.
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I told her that it is very painful for me to realize that he is willing to be miserable, ruin himself financially, all this to just get rid of me.
But it's not about you, not at all. ESPECIALLY if he's in MLC. His problems are internal, but he is blaming you for them. This is what WAS's do. Some of the blame is probably true and some of it complete BS. It's how they justify their actions.
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She said that things are not exactly the way I am thinking and that XH does not think like that.
I think she has a lot of insight into his turmoil. She's exactly right, what the WAS is really thinking is not at all what the LBS thinks it is.
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She said that if XH comes back that I should not open the door for him ant take him back with my arms open. She said that if possible that I should tell him that there won't be a reconciliation unless he goes to counseling.
Good grief, I want to give this woman a trophy! I'm starting to wonder if she's on these forums, LOL!
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I told her that I really do not know where my heart will be in a few months from now, but I do not want to live my life with the illusion that someone will love me again.
This is possibly the biggest heartbreak of all to me. The WAS almost always eventually wants to reconcile, but inevitably it takes soooooooo long for them to get to that point that the LBS has moved on and doesn't want a part of it. We've had a few WAS's that have posted on these forums who became the LBS after their LBS moved on. When I went through my separation and started talking to people I know about their own separations and divorces, I was shocked to find that almost every one of them was eventually approached by their ex with an attempt at reconciliation. I think that's the one thing that DB really falls short on, it gives the impression a marriage can be healed in weeks or months but it typically takes several years. Anyway please don't take that as personal criticism, we all have to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and our hearts. It is risky taking a WAS back when you know it could just happen all over again, who would want to go through this twice?
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WHY DID SHE SAY ALL THIS TO ME, RIGHT AFTER THE D?
Because your XH is saying it to her. Sometimes a big move like D can suddenly snap the WAS/ MLCer out of their fog. When they have that D paper in their hands and discover they're not relieved and happy like they thought they would be, then they start wondering if it was so wise after all.
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What is the point in all of this? What is really going on with XH?
Hopefully if you've learned anything from these forums it's that the WAS is in extreme turmoil. S doesn't end it. D doesn't end it. An affair doesn't end it. But sometimes they have to go through all 3 before they realize they have to fix what's inside, not outside. And that journey of self-discovery can be very long and painful. He may be starting it, but if so it could take him many months to sort it all out. So you're taking the right approach, just keep working on you and leave him to it. But do think about possible reconciliation, if you want to stand for him or not if it should eventually come to that. You can stand while still being independent and focusing on yourself.
Great post , another stander All the posters on the board should read this.
Hi Pink. Very interesting re the MIL. I think it shows us all we never know what WAS are thinking. We all attach our thoughts and assumptions to our WAS but in reality we just don't know
IThis is also why we shouldn't spend too much time in thought over what the WAS is thinking of doing.
Great to hear you positive and maybe looking for a bike soon ?????
