have i been making mistakes too long

[tkdmme]

sorry, im a little slow right now. Although im originally from TN am an Alabama fan. However I don't follow it very closely.

Also, I have read some of your posts. I don't think my wife is having an affair but im not sure. Did it help to know? or do you regret finding out? I have thought about looking at phone records and this sort of thing but im not sure I want to know.

[Cadet]

I don't think my wife is having an affair but im not sure.
Did it help to know?
or do you regret finding out?

It really does not make any difference.
Once she has checked out of the marriage and you have bomb drop,
the process starts and you are not getting her back without it going through to completion.
No shortcuts or easy buttons.
It takes a lot of knowledge to understand this.

Keep doing the homework and learning IMHO.

[WhyUs]

I would go with what Cadet says from a DB perspective. He knows a lot more than me. From a legal perspective in GA it is important to know because a person can not receive alimony if they have commited adultry.

[HurtHus]

IMO, it was helpful to know about the affair simply because it helped me reach a "low" that I had not been able to reach if I had not known. I was able to see how bad things had gone and it made it easier for me to begin the process of detaching myself. All that changed though when she allegedly cut off the affair and committed to working on our relationship.

[tkdmme]

Thank you guys for the advise.

I went out last night for the first time in a while. I drank too much and feel guilty. I feel like im going crazy. I feel good one minute and feel awful the next. Are things ever going to get better? I hate myself for failing in my marriage. I feel like the kids are going to suffer because I let my family down. I cant move on. 16 years of marriage and a way of life and now its all over. This really [censored]. Im sure nobody wants to hear me complain but I have no one else to vent to. I wish there was some quick fix to either repair my marriage or to quit caring about it. It seems that my life is over.
Again im sorry but I am feeling down today. I cant seem to pick myself up. im at work but cant focus on my job. I have friends here but I think I am wearing them out with my somber attitude. Unless you have been through this, I guess its hard to relate. I remember thinking before all of this happened that I would be fine if she ever left but obviously I was wrong.
Im losing my mind.

[HurtHus]

You aren't losing your mind. You aren't alone. You aren't the only one feeling like this. You can't control how your wife will behave. The best way to protect your kids and yourself is to focus on you. Try to stay positive. I get the need for a release sometimes and turning to drinking (did that myself last night), just don't let it be the go-to.

This is the best place to vent and blow off steam. We are all or have gone through something as devastating otherwise we wouldn't be here.

First step to being a better man is to accept that you don't need to apologize for how you are feeling. I am one of the biggest apologists you will meet so that's been hard for me, but it's true.

One foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward even if it is a shuffle.

[tkdmme]

there is a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat every waking minute. I am embarrassed by the way I have reacted to the situation. I feel like a child and not at all the man I thought I was. I guess its normal. Do you feel better now. how long does this take to get over? im not sure how long I can keep it up.

[tkdmme]

Wow, im really having a bad day. I keep going in the same circles over and over. Im fine then im scared to death then im angry then im crying then im fine again for a day or 2. Sometimes I have hope and sometimes im hopeless. I just want this to be over one way or another. Its so hard to live together and not try to convince her that she is destroying our family. I don't want to push her farther away. She doesn't care what I do or what I say. im desperate and falling apart. I cant sleep or eat or focus on work. I don't know how anyone can get through this.

[NH115]

Wow, im really having a bad day. I keep going in the same circles over and over. Im fine then im scared to death then im angry then im crying then im fine again for a day or 2. Sometimes I have hope and sometimes im hopeless. I just want this to be over one way or another. Its so hard to live together and not try to convince her that she is destroying our family. I don't want to push her farther away. She doesn't care what I do or what I say. im desperate and falling apart. I cant sleep or eat or focus on work. I don't know how anyone can get through this.

tkdemme, that's completely normal. To call this a rollercoaster is an understatement. Your best bet is to detach (I know, I know, easier said than done, trust me). You would do well to read up on the Stockdale Paradox. At some point you will realize that your marriage is already "dead". You're not fighting for the old marriage, but a new one, hopefully with her. Nothing you do will be right in her eyes right now. The sooner you are able to detach, get yourself emotionally straight and level, and be able to focus on yourself and what you need to do to get your life under control.

I went through that time after BD too, where I was under a constant state of anxiety. Being around my W was hell when she was in the fog, but it was hell being away from her too. Even went on antidepressants for a short time. I couldn't concentrate on work or any of my normal activities.

Find a north star to orient yourself. That's part of the rationale behind the GAL activities. It may be your kids, fitness, a project or goal, work, whatever. There's no shortcuts to getting through this anxiety phase, I'm afraid, but it is survivable.

This is your life too. You are entitled to set your own vision as to what you need to have a relationship with your W. You have a vote.

[WhyUs]

To echo what tkdmme is saying, this is completely normal. You are no less of a man. You are a human. I would imagine the time frame is different for everyone. I just started feeling better over the last two weeks. So I would say I had about 2-3 months of feeling pretty bad. I am on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medicine right now. Believe it or not, my WW also got on anti-depressant medicine. It goes to show she was having some serious trouble with this as well. She does not show it now, and I'm not sure if she is still medicated, but apparently she was feeling something early on. You would have never know by speaking to her right now or seeing her actions.

Keep posting, venting, and reading other threads. Commenting on other threads also helps with moving through this very tough phase--or at least it has helped me.