Toots he informed me he is ignoring me for good I know don't believe what he says!
I have never cheated ON him but we have cheated together on my boyfriends and on his girlfriends! Essentially aren't we cheating now?! I will answer anything because I want to get better! If this doesn't make sense please say so I will clear it up!
Wow .... ok your sitch makes my head spin a bit. Sunny and Toots are helping you out a bit and I just thought I would chime in here.
So you have 3 kids .. your ..'guy' H BF what ever you call him has fathered 3 (or 2 I am confused) kids with 3(or 2 I am confused) different women as you and he have been on and off for 13 years if I have read this correctly. And now .... well looks like dude is going after #4. (or #3)
I am not trying to 2x4 you or anything but seems to me you are in a way enabling him to continue, providing a nice live in baby sitter in hopes he gives you some table scraps along the way.
4my, you need to detach, GAL and build up some self esteem here, if nothing changes... nothing will change ya know? What would make this guy into a man worthy of you .. the prize?
Quote:
I have never cheated ON him but we have cheated together on my boyfriends and on his girlfriends!
At some point you have to see the crazy up there ^^^^. I had a friend who was cheating on her BF with another guy .... then she was furious when it turned out he was seeing someone else on the side. Relationships do not work with 3-4-5 people ... seems you need to really sit down and think about what you will and will not settle for, might be a great time to read up on boundaries and start believing you deserve better ... better than what you have been given up to this point.
My point ... you have more control of YOUR life than you are giving yourself credit for ... let him do his thing, obviously he is going to do that regardless .... become a better person for YOU .. not him.
HI CaliGuy. I have one child of my own I had between one of our break ups. He has 2 with 2 different mothers. The OW is getting divorced and has 4 children of her own so I do not think he is planning any more children. In fact he told me if I had more than one we never would have tried to work it out because 3 is plenty. Yet he dates someone with 4!
I do not WANT to enable him but am not sure how to set the boundaries without taking the chance he kicks me out with no where to go and no money. I do not think he would but its FEAR rulling. I also do not want the kids involved as they have no idea we are not together and that he is seeing someone else as the household is run the same.
What would make him worthy? He would have to put effort and want into fixing this R. He would have to attend some sort of Counseling individual or together. He would need to become responsible, trusting, open, respectful, faithful, honest, caring.
I am having a very hard time detatching. I have been going out some. Last week I went out twice at least and Monday I took kids to park for half an hour and tomorrow I am going out with a friend to her house for dinner and drinks. No kids will be here so no one has to watch them. I have 0 self esteem I am not sure if that is due to all of my past, this situation, and or my severe depression.
I do see the crazy hence I would like to change the pattern. I am just not sure how exactly to do that. I feel like we have fought more in the last two weeks than we have in two months. I am sick of fighting. I just want to start saying OK to everything to avoid the fight. I want to become a better person but all of this arguing is doing no one any good. I do deserve way better than what I have gotten. I know deep down I know this. I just struggle to break this cycle. Fear of not having him in my life as my H, loosing the kids I have practically raised, fear of not making it on my own, never finding happiness. It is all about fear for me. I feel like if I detatch it will be the end because I am the only one who cares.
I do need to learn about boundaries and co-dependency. I want to become a better person for me and the kid(s). I want to do what it takes to be able to say in the end I did everything I could. If it saves the R it saves it that would be a perfect ending if we both grow learn and try to reconcile. If we dont I will be strong enough to move forward right?
4, just a question. Where does your family live? You mentioned you are in a small town and that you get some sort of help ( babysitting or maybe just friendliness) from H's family. Do you have a relationship with anyone from your side of the family? I'm just curious.
HI sunny. Not really. I mean I speak to my father a few times a year if needed. I have not talked to my brother in years. I talk to my mom ONLY if she calls but usually pass her off to my D as I would prefer to not talk to her. She is very toxic and manipulative. Her and her H very rarely work, have no home, and pass themselves around to whomever will let them stay. I detatched from my Mother 4 years ago when she borrowed money from D's account with promise to pay it back and never did then the next month threatened to call child services on me simply because I would not turn the heat on in october! She has always been this way it just took me 25 years to figure it out and break free. I have a sister I very rarely talk to either. My mom and her H are supposedly going to Texas for work. My father lives about 7 miles away but he is an alcoholic and WAS very abusive when we were children so I do not have much of a R with him. I have several step sibblings but have also not talked to them in probably 7 or more years. I consider my family as distance as I can keep them and H's family is my family. As stated above no matter what I would still be at holidays with H's family no matter what. I lived with them when I was 17 and my mother signed guardianship over so she could move across the united states with her husband my senior year of high school after I attended same school my entire life. She just could not wait a year to move so I moved in with H's family. They are both of our support system. They stay out of the middle of it and will NOT take sides. does this help clear up family sitch?
I feel like if I detatch it will be the end because I am the only one who cares.
4, first of all, good on you to keep posting. I know you feel like you're going in circles...I guess that's what you need for a while to learn. As painful as this is, it's life teaching you what you need to know to have a better future.
I quoted one line I see a lot. You feel like if you detach it will be the end. Guess what? It has already ended. You are in severe, severe denial.
Look at it this way- if he moved out, remarried a new woman, didn't talk to you anymore, and years went by...I think we'd all agree it was over.
Now- suppose you said 'no it isn't, I won't stop trying, I'm not going to let it end!!!' so you sent him love letters, presents, naked pictures, drove by his house, and had an airplane spell 'I love you' in the sky overhead...would that change the fact that it was over?
No! In that case the R would be WELL over, and you'd be a psychotic ex that had stalker issues!
Moral of the story, clinging to a failed relationship doesn't prevent reality from being real.
Your R has failed. That's the reality. Being the person that clings to it doesn't do much good for you or your family. Let it go and face that is HAS ended, and become a stronger woman, someone that can lead your children, and someone that can be capable of a good future relationship...or even facing life on your own if them's the cards you get.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You have been getting some great advice. As a famous celebrity Dr. has said the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This pattern with your H. has been repeating its self for years. Even if he does end things with this OW he will replace her with someone else. You are living your life totally based on him, his mood, his wants. If he's nice to you yku have a good day if he's not yku have a bad day. You need to take back your personal power. This is not a man going through a MLC that made a band choice. This is who he is. Unless he decides to go get professional help and wants to change he is not going to change. If you are putting all your eggs in the basket of he will commit to me in ten months I'm afraid in ten months you are going to find yourself in a very bad place. Use this gift of time to prepare yourself. Read books on codependency and on how to empower yourself. Break this cycle before it becomes the norm for those young girls. Don't base your worth on how he reacts and responds to you. Just because he does the odd right thing or nice thing does not make up for all the cheating and disrespectful behavior. He owes his own children more and is not stepping up. That alone speaks volumes.
Keep posting. Start reading. You can only change yourself. Learn, read and grow. Then take a look at what's around you. Somehow I think you may see a different picture.
Cheers,
Karma
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Hi 4, I'm going to ask you to put your man to one side for a few posts and lets focus entirely on you. He doesn't get a look in - just for a little while okay? We aren't talking about you....in relation to...him. Just you.
There is a saying on this forum. We need to plan for the worst and hope for the best. How prepared are you for the worst - ie: you guys separate. Because it is a possibility. How would this be financially, practically and emotionally for you? It is a primary area to focus on I think. Because it is a possibility. And if you would be okay in that case - good.
You say that you want to be better, but don't know what to do next. But there are some themes emerging here. Self-esteem, self-respect, being able to look after yourself WIHOUT him, anger, recurring infidelity, codependency....these are all areas you can start to explore, whatever he may be doing.
Actually, my biggest fear for your sitch is that you guys WILL get back together again. Because then I think you would be in for another cycle of more of the same - UNLESS - there is a significant change in ONE of you. As Sunny says, please don't for a moment think this is a MLC. This is how he is. And likely he will continue that way - unless there is a huge awakening for Someone. And you don't get to control him, only you.
So, can we put aside all talk of 'winning him back' in the next 10 months, and switch to your awakening, and how this may save you from going back to more of the same?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
HI Zeus- yes you are right I am going in circles not making it anywhere. It is very frustrating. Yes I hope my strength and hard work changing me for ME is his aha moment but if not I guess I will survive!I agree at this time it is over I just cling to hope that it is not over for good for ever!
Thanks Karma! I know I should realize that his behavior has not changed in this long it is not likely to but again I keep the hope alive. I am planning to order the co-dependency no more book and work book and I have a few other books I will be working through on self improvemnet. I am going to IC also. Yes he is making very poor choices but I need to stop focusing on them and focus on me! He will have a lot of proving for me to even consider working it out as long as I make the changes I need to make. At this point today I would not be strong enough to say no. I have a lot of work to do!
I know don't believe what he says!