BEC, You need to calm down and breathe. We are not the enemy here. You need to choose your battles wisely. We can give you advice, but the bottom line is this, you need to listen to your lawyer, read up on the laws for your particular state and go from there. Sure we all can say to do this or that, but it boils down to what your lawyer tells you that you are allowed to do or not do in your state.
I am going to leave you w/some pearls of wisdom. From this day forward, be careful what you say to your wife. Anything you say can be turned around and used against you. Divorce is a business deal and one that usually has to be worked out w/lawyers. Both of you are emotional, angry and frustrated and trying to have a rational conversation w/her isn't going to happen because she sees you as trying to tell her what she can and can't do, as well as trying to control her life. What she feels right now towards you are her feelings and there's nothing you can do to change them. Bottom line, you have to focus on you, what you need to do to keep your head above water and how to ensure that your children are okay.
I don't have any additional advice to give to you at this time.
Been reading up on you and could not post the past day or so.
Yeah buddy ... you really get yourself spinning don't ya? I hope you get where I am coming from, not trying to bash you not attack, but just reading you .... its dripping with emotion.
What do you really want out of all this BE?
What are you willing to do?
I ask because the answers to those 2 questions really are the foundation on how to figure out a plan to get you there ... REGARDLESS of your W and your M at this point because you have to realize that old M and that old W are not an option for you right now .. .I know that stings like a B but its the truth and the quicker you figure out YOU ... the quicker you can start doing things to improve YOUR situation.
Start figuring out who you want BEC 2.0 to be ... because that insecure, controlling stalker BEC 1.0 needs to be reprogrammed with a quickness, I do hope you see that ... start small ... all changes are not over night and its good to start small.
The first change I did while working on Cali 2.0 ... very first change. I made my bed every morning, stupid and small change that impacted no one but me. But I did it ... while I did it I reminded myself of who I was working at becoming .. EVERY DAMN DAY first thing in the morning. Over time, more changes, more reminders ... long uphill walk but I did it and continue to do it.
What Wonka means (and I agree) is that in reading your posts it sounds like you have zero compassion for your W and what she is going through. Your attitude is you are the victim and she is a careless bully. And I totally get it, I went through that phase post-BD too. But if you ever hope to rebuild your M, you have got to get past the anger and bitterness and start to have some compassion towards your W. Do you think arguing with her about a babysitting fee is advancing your situation? What if you had said "W, money is short but I know you're going through a lot and could use some away time, so find a babysitter and I'll cover the costs. Get out and enjoy yourself a little." What would THAT have made your W think? How would THAT have altered the mood of the conversation? Your actions are reinforcing her feelings about why she left, she's just thinking "yup, same old controlling, manipulating H." So CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS. Have compassion. Be sympathetic. It's all over Sandi's rules, these forums and the DB book. You've got to embrace those things if you ever want to save your M.
Been reading up on you and could not post the past day or so.
Yeah buddy ... you really get yourself spinning don't ya? I hope you get where I am coming from, not trying to bash you not attack, but just reading you .... its dripping with emotion.
What do you really want out of all this BE?
What are you willing to do?
I ask because the answers to those 2 questions really are the foundation on how to figure out a plan to get you there ... REGARDLESS of your W and your M at this point because you have to realize that old M and that old W are not an option for you right now .. .I know that stings like a B but its the truth and the quicker you figure out YOU ... the quicker you can start doing things to improve YOUR situation.
Start figuring out who you want BEC 2.0 to be ... because that insecure, controlling stalker BEC 1.0 needs to be reprogrammed with a quickness, I do hope you see that ... start small ... all changes are not over night and its good to start small.
The first change I did while working on Cali 2.0 ... very first change. I made my bed every morning, stupid and small change that impacted no one but me. But I did it ... while I did it I reminded myself of who I was working at becoming .. EVERY DAMN DAY first thing in the morning. Over time, more changes, more reminders ... long uphill walk but I did it and continue to do it.
I know you aren't bashing Cali. Like Job said, I know that you all are not the enemy and are on my side.
Man I tell you, I don't even recognize MYSELF with some of these behaviors. If I had to self analyze I would say that it is a combination of time eating away at me, fear and desperation.
To answer your two specific question:
What I want overall is my family back. I want my Wife to love me again. I know that I still have alot of growth left to do. ALOT. But I have grown quite a bit in the last 9 months. My depression is gone. I have become a great and involved father. But there is still so much more I need to work on and get to. I know this because in spite of these genuine changes, it is too little too late (for now) so far as my wife is concerned. So the part of growth that I have a long way to go in achieving in acceptance. I am having a tremendous amount of difficulty accepting that I cannot fix this. Not on my own at least.
What I want for myself is to find y sense of self again. To be grounded again. I really am a good, kind and loving person. But I am a very emotional dude (which is very obvious). I want to feel and know that I am going to be ok no matter what happens (even though what I ultimately want is my Wife back).
My first reaction is to say I would do anything. But when I really look inward I want to be able to think that I would do anything but I know that I am at a point where I still want the results that I want.
Goes right back to that struggle with acceptance and control.
You can do this BE. Really take what the vets are giving you to heart. They're all saying the same thing. You can have the results you want if you follow their advice!
I believe in you BE.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Keep in mind things you want and what you are willing to do... Are only things that are within your control. You can not make your wife love you... Free will has been granted to us all... This is important for you to focus on... Your W can do as she pleases, go to a concert, get a tattoo, strut downtown butt nekkid.... Her choices, her life, her consequences and you have to push through all your chit and accept that ... Even grow to respect it
Now... Back to the questions and goals... They have to be all about you, nothing to do with your W
I get the past and the depression, keep it back there, it's done and over and you need to own it... But more importantly move on from it becoming the best you that is humanly possible Let's start small...3 Goals for the end of the month... Again only about you.
Do not allow yourself to think about W or what she is doing, detach, go out and do something different this week
