Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[dwh15]

Ok, just gotta vent. I know I shouldn't pay any attention to WW's FB posts, but the hypocrisy of her recent ones kills me. First, she copies a nice loving quote about children:
"My kids are my heart and soul. They will always be my babies, even when they grow old."

Aww, how sweet, right?

Next post, just 5 min later:
"Sometimes you have to do what's best for you and your life, not what's best for everybody else."

WTF? So I guess her kids are her heart and soul, EXCEPT when it comes to doing what's best for herself. I'm mind reading here, as she may be talking about something totally unrelated to our sitch, but it peeved me all the same. Not looking for advice here, just venting. Figured it was better than posting a comment or complaining to someone. Ugh. Not enjoying life much right now.

[Vanilla]

Recommendation

Stop the FB completely.

V

[dwh15]

Been reading through Sandi's thread today. It's actually helpful and gives a lot of insight into how my WW must be feeling. Also a little discouraging because I'm realizing what a long and difficult journey this is likely to be, with no guarantee of the outcome. Don't know why I'm suddenly having such a hard time detaching, but the last couple of days feel like a major setback. There hasn't been any drama, barely any contact from my W, but I'm feeling the sting of her not being here as bad as ever. Maybe the lack of contact is what's causing the issues. Up until recently, I usually had some sort of input from her, either good or bad. Now I just sit around wondering. I guess the lack of a job is starting to become an issue in terms of having way too much time to sit around and think. Usually if I can stay busy, I do much better, but there's only so many hours you can fill in a normal day. I hope I can bounce of this funk soon.

[HeavyD]

That's why it's called a roller coaster. Some days are good and others - whammo - not so good. For whatever reasons (and who knows what the reasons are) there are setbacks in our detachment or emotions.

It's all part of the process and normal.

Stay busy my friend.

[CaliGuy]

dwh

I have a full time job ... heck I spent half of it here on this forum ... work like a mad man to catch up then back here.

Trick is not getting a job to stop thinking about her so much .. its ... yeah .. you know whats coming right? DETACH ... job or no job .. if you do not detach you will continue to obsess and analyze every single thing they say or do.

Hey .. make a change .. drop FB for a month... don't worry Mark Zuckerburg will not hunt you down and I am positive FB will survive without your amazing status updates .. I double dog dare you.

[dwh15]

Thanks for the support guys. Believe me, I've been working on it. Detach...that's the secret. But I guess I'm struggling on exactly HOW I'm supposed to do it. I try to stay busy and sometimes can enjoy myself for an hour or two w/o the W sneaking into my thoughts, but then she's back. I keep hoping that time and distance will do the trick, but it doesn't seem to be helping much.

Now given all that, I attended a divorce support group for men tonight at my church, which meets every 2 weeks. It always makes me feel better, and after the meeting tonight, the rest of my evening I have actually felt pretty calm. I'm trying to accept that this is in God's hands, and have faith that He will lead me through it, and has a plan. And I find that as I accept and hold onto that thought, I do actually feel a lot better. I also know that my W is not acting in a moral or rational way, and do not believe she is 100% in her right mind, but is addicted to the WW lifestyle and acting similar to how any addict might behave. I can't know for sure what she's thinking, but it helps me to believe that this is truly not the person I fell in love with, and allows me to have patience, to hope and pray that she finds her way home.

And with that calm, I find myself able to concentrate on myself, being a good father, and improving my life. For tonight, I am grateful for the few hours of peace I have found and pray that tomorrow brings even more comfort. I'm starting to really lean on my faith, and it is an amazing feeling.

[Vanilla]

Toots volunteers in a charity bookshop. She refers to it as her bookshop GAL. Is that something (volunteering) that you could consider?

V

[dwh15]

Well, I re-joined a local chapter of a national club tonight, and spent a couple of hours catching up with old friends. They have a local clubhouse where they serve cheap drinks, pool table, darts, sometimes bands. Sort of like a bar, but only members can come in.

WW and I were both members a couple of years ago but let our membership drop, largely because she got into a big fight with some of the officers of the club. There ended up being a lot of people that I still recognized, and who remembered me. It was a lot of fun just hanging out and catching up. If you remember the TV show "Cheers", it sort of reminds me of that. Any time you walk in, you're bound to see someone you know. I think it's going to do wonders for my GAL. It's open every day, and I already asked about helping out when they run special events, and need volunteers to cook, tend bar, etc. When we were members before, WW spent a lot more time there than I did, which in hindsight, probably wasn't a great idea. But now I'm doing this for me, and am excited about it.

Between this, renewed connections with friends and family, and getting involved with the church, I feel that my life really is heading in a positive direction. I'm sad and upset with myself that it took something so drastic to make these changes, but I guess that's pretty typical around here. The good news is that, overall, I've had a much better overall day that the past few. I hear from S18 that WW seemed stressed last night and mentioned that it had been a long week. I swear, she seems to say that on a regular basis. I know she's struggling with money, and can't be sure, but get the impression things are still very up and down with OM. I so badly want to reach out to her and ask her why. Why put yourself and your family through all this suffering? But I know it wouldn't do any good, not at this point. I'm still hoping that she figures things out for herself, and decides that she wants to try to work on things. In the mean time, I'm busy planning a life w/o her for me and the kids, and knowing that, while it wasn't what any of us chose or wanted, that we will still find happiness.

[dwh15]

WW called today to confirm plans for tonight with kids. It was pleasant enough. I tried to sound upbeat, answered all her questions, and had a little small talk. Of course she had to ask about the job situation; think that comes up every time we talk. She's still clinging to the hope I start giving her money again as soon as I'm employed. I'm proud that at least this time, I cut off the conversation first. She sounded in a good mood, so who knows. She seems to be all over the place every other day. I have a feeling it depends on how things are going with OM lately. It's very discouraging, and every day I'm losing a little more faith than there's any hope for a R. She seems so far removed from the thought that we will ever be together again. It's hard to accept but I'm doing my best to continue moving on.

[dwh15]

Only 2 of the kids went to see mom last night. Same 2 as always: S18 and S8. Other 2 with me, as usual. WW took them bowling and out to dinner. They had fun and S8 really wanted to spend the night but WW had plans to go with OM to a late night dinner (midnight). She wanted S8 to come along, but he was way too tired, and decided to come home. I don't blame him. Who in their right mind thinks that an 8 year old wants to go to dinner at midnight?

But after he got home, I could tell he was upset. He had really looked forward to staying, and mentioned he missed mom. I did my best to comfort him and eventually cheered him up a little. But it's the kind of thing that tears my heart out. I just don't understand how a mother can abandon her children like this and barely spend any time with them for months on end.

It bothered me enough that I texted WW and told her S8 seemed upset, like he had really wanted to spend the night. She replies back, almost defensive, that she had tried to convince him, but that he was always torn, would think I would miss him and be upset with him. Or that he would miss something fun I had planned the next day. She still seems bitter that I'm trying to plan fun activities with the kids, like it's all a plot to have them like me more than her. She never considered that maybe S8 simply didn't want to go to a midnight dinner with OM. Why is she making plans like that on days she is supposed to have kids anyway? It's extremely frustrating. I can only guess that it's part of a wayward mentality and hope that she eventually comes out of the fog. She is permanently damaging her R with all her kids.