Well I believe things happen for a reason. I have been wondering if there was even a soft reasonable side to him anymore. I have started looking at him as an insensitive a$$. last night the cat jumped on my D8's top bunk bed landed on her face and she needed stitches at 11 pm he had to work this morning but he still came along and kept us both calm and collected. He kept her laughing and talking the entire time. It made me realize he does still have a heart. It also made me realize I do still have feelings for him and that he does have a heart. It made me think we have both made a lot of mistakes. We both have a lot of growing up to and changes to make! It makes me want to work harder on me to become the better choice. I guess sometimes it takes something like this to make us think. I will not allow it to change my course I just know now I want nothing more than to do what I need to do to save my R. I love him very much and hope with time and work on my part things can turn around. I was beginning to feel like he did not care about anything but himself. I am so sad my baby girl had to have stitches AGAIN but glad it shed a new light on my out look!
I'm so sorry to hear about your D - poor girl must have been shocked! I hope she and puss are both doing okay.
Re - your H, it is good that he stepped up to the mark for her and his presence was helpful. That said, try and maintain a balanced perspective of your sitch. He has already cheated multiple times and that is not easily healed from. Have you googled Don Juan affair types? The unfaithful behaviour pattern tends to continue unless there is some earth shattering realisation and change, and a willingness to look within and understand why you have cheated again and again.
Yes you, like many of us, may have work to do. But that work is not all yours, and there would be much work needed from him if the two of you are to have any chance of a successful relationship. Note it, but stay balanced and centred on your own path for now.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Zeus! Cat and D are doing well! She is excited she can swim for her birthday party!
H yes I am glad he stepped up! Also glad he wants to go out for her birthday! This of course does NOT make up for everything I think while posting all the negative all the time it was nice to see a positive side for once! Yes we both have a lot of work to do but I can only work on me and change me! I had been in a downer funk for a few days and am starting to come back up its nice a lot easier to PMA! That's my goal for today we are taking D8 & 4 to races so just keep a positive attitude and have a great time!
I have 10 months to become that aha moment the better choice and most importantly only a woman a fool would leave and a better person! Each day is one less day so I need to work very hard! It sounds like a long time but in the scheme it is not very long at all!
He has a lot of work also but I can not spend time focusing on that this NEEDS to be about me!
This evenings goal 1 PMA SMILE 2. No r talk
He just told me tomorrow he is going out with OW All kids will be home any good responses?
Vets need some major help! I for a year have been protecting the kids his and mine from his affAir by staying home and watching them. Until recently he has been only going out Friday's (his kids aren't there only mine and I usually do something with her) and Saturdays after the races I take them home get them in bed and he had been coming home every night! Now the weekend we don't have the kids he has been staying with her at a friends house and he has decided tomorrow he is going out! Of course this continues to blow up into a huge fight due to my anger jealousy and because I feel he should be coming home and not going with her when the kids will be home! Until today I didn't look at it as respect that he leaves them home and goes out I guess it's best of both worlds for me she isn't at the house and not around the kids but for some reason still upsets me! I need to look at it like that I guess! My problem is this seems to be a recurring fight how can I handle this better? For me for kids? Is it better to just let him take his kids around and not worry about it or keep protecting the kids?! Just letting it all go would be a 180 and letting him do as he pleases heck even responding calm and not fighting would be a 180! So how can i protect the kids while I'm living there handle it tactfully and stop the fighting
If the kids don't already know about OW they will at some point. As to the question of whether you should 'protect them', if the options are allowing him to emotionally blackmail you into enabling his A vs. letting the kids find out the truth, I'd go with the second option.
What's more important is what you do once the kids find out. See, the kids will be learning what both of you believe is right. They will learn daddy thinks it's ok to be married and date other women.
What will the kids learn from watching you? Will they learn to stuff their pain and cling desperately to an abusive relationship? Or will they learn that when someone treats you unacceptably you have to address it and take care of yourself, no matter how hard the road is?
As long as you try to control your H you're not protecting your kids, you're teaching them how to be in an abusive relationship. If you really want to protect your kids teach them how to handle a tough situation and get it handled!
I really hope you see this- the problem here is all you. Yes, it stinks that you married a guy that has refused to be a partner. But that's the reality. That's not the problem. The problem is that you are still trying to cling to the idea that there is a partnership here. You can't control him, and at this point you shouldn't even want to. 100% of your energy should be focused on putting yourself outside of his reach, emotionally, physically, spiritually. If you don't and you keep getting beat up, that's on you for not walking away.
Your kids already have one bad example. You can either be pissed about that and give them a second bad example, or you can walk the walk yourself. As I say...how can you be angry at him for not being able to let go of OW, when you can't let go of WAH? Seriously. One of you has to grow up. Do it for your children if you don't care about yourself anymore. But DO IT!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I guess I cling to the hope that OW won't last so then the kids are hurt by stupidity but it also hurts them to see us fight! I no longer want to be attached to the abuse and I may be nieve but idk if he is hanging over my head it wouldn't be a big deal if I did not react he would go out kids would know nothing at least until I move out in ten months! I believe with time I can detach and not let it bother me as much I just don't know what to say to him besides ok! I guess since we are not legally vow binding married I'm not sure then kids would look at it like a wife and a girlfriend they call us boyfriend and girlfriend! Does this make a difference? I guess I feel like it's a boundary to respect me while I live there and not interfere with the kids and I! I don't want them to have to pick and choose! It's not so much about keeping her away from them as it is not confusing them and hurting them! For now I need to find away to deal with it peacefully make it a 180 and let the emotions driving me go! I sometimes wonder if I didn't make it a big deal and he didn't know I was fighting for the relationship it wouldn't be so fun for him! Those involve me changing! I am working on GAL so that means I can watch them sometimes and he will have to other times! I do not want to teach them to suppress feelings and put up with abuse I want to set a healthy reasonable boundary here! I don't want the fight anymore as that is a 180! I also don't want them in the middle so it would be very different if I was moving out I would t care it's simply I'm there still and they think we r together!
Zeus I'm not a lost cause I promise I just want to be a better person not put the kids in the middle and so what is right for me and the kids! I don't care what's right for him right now he has made his choices!
I wouldn't still be posting if I thought you were a lost cause. You've been here a month. In a month you have already come face to face with the mountain you must climb, and you have a clear picture of what you need to do. You've even tried taking a few steps, but stumbled down. That's ok. It turns out it won't be fun ride in the sunshine. Now you know this is going to be the biggest challenge in your lifetime. You're steeling yourself. You're planning your attack. You're praying for strength. This hasn't been time wasted.
I'm not sure where the ten month timeline came from. I don't mind it for now, again, until you're in a better spot you don't need to make life changing decisions. But I think you'll be ready to get the heck out of there well before ten months. At least I hope so.
Have you figured out what government programs there are for a single mom for food and other assistance? Any places you can rent that have discounted rates? Are there free or discounted lawyers that could help you claim support for your D? Do you have any idea what custody would look like? Would you still be a part of D7 and D4's life?
Lots of sorting to do, but here's the thing...you need to really get determined, and every day you need to be driven to make that picture become a reality. I promise you this- he's not going to help you. If you need support post here, and now's a good time to pray for strength. Make it happen 4!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
