I'm just so damn frustrated about everything and at my wits end. [/quote] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I am sure that your W realizes this as well and she just keeps feeding you the bait. Why would she want to stick around for BEC 1.0?? You are not detached at all and showing so much anger, impatience, etc. I realize that we all vent on the forum, but as loud and clear as it is on here, some of that has to be seen and felt by your W as well.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BEC, I've been reading along and shaking my head at your behavior. Yes, you are angry and frustrated and you need to get those emotions out and then get yourself under control. As I have, as well as others, have pointed out, you can't control her. You are separated and what she does in her house is her business, just as what you do at your place is your business.
If I am interpreting your postings correctly, and if I'm wrong, please correct me, but you have a joint account or some such where the money is kept for the bills and she's been paying them. I also vaguely remember that she's doing some part time work too. So, if she's doing some part time work, who is to say that she's not using that money to pay the sitter? Who is to say that she wasn't advised by her lawyer to start getting a sitter, i.e., rather than having you there all of the time in her space snooping and questioning what she's doing and where she's going? Quite frankly, if I had been in her shoes, I would have done the same darn thing and got a sitter. You come across as a nice guy on here, but you also come across as a controller and want things all of your way. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way in a relationship and more so when you are separated and divorced. I imagine that when you are divorced, she'll be getting a sitter quite often because she doesn't want you around in her space and knowing what she's doing and when she's doing it and w/whom, if anyone.
Now, on to what I want to ask you...how many times have the posters told you not to discuss the relationship, the separation, etc.? How many times in the last few days have we advised you not to have conversations about what may go down w/a divorce? I can answer that for you...plenty of times. You can't seem to STFU and that's gotten you into trouble time and time again. Now, I'm going to remind you one more time...STOP TRYING TO TELL HER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ACTIONS WILL BE IF A DIVORCE TAKES PLACE. You are not her father nor an authority figure in her life. YOU ARE SEPARATED HEADING FOR DIVORCE! The consequences of her actions are hers to learn and own. Take care of your side of the street.
Your main concerns right now are finding a place to live, your children and yes, listening to your IC and your lawyer. From where I'm sitting, you just blew everything off from your recent IC appointment. Learn to control those emotions and not run off at the mouth w/her. Find an outlet to take those frustrations out on because if you don't, she'll use your emotional state against you and call it mental and verbal abuse. STEP WAY, WAY BACK AND STFU!
I ran across a quote today that I want to leave w/you. It is by Pema Chodron:
"nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know …nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. but what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. it just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.”
Your teachers have been trying to advise you on what you need to be doing and yet, the advice has fallen by the wayside time and time again. Please LISTEN to what we are telling you. Many of us have been down the road you are traveling and we would not give you incorrect advice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have nothing to add BE, other than to comment at how brilliant that quote is. So much truth in there. I got to see Pema speak a few months ago and the attention she was able to put forth when someone else was speaking was incredible. You knew she was on another level but one born from a lifetime of hard work.
Hearing Pema say that looking back over her life - it was the hardest times, the times when she would have given anything to not be there any more, that those were the times in hindsight that were the most valuable since they were the ones that taught her the most. That brought me to my knees.
Sorry to hijack BE's 2x4'ing.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
The sad part is is that my wife is making her decision based on such negative emotions. She "hates" me and she "knows that that will never change".
When you planned your marriage, she loved you and knew that would never change. Feelings ebb and flow, and the ones that grow are the ones you feed.
Quote:
It's my kids. She will take them and displace them from our home.
Are you sure she can do that? Have you talked to a lawyer about it?
Painter. Us DBers understand that feelings ebb and flow. We are the one's who look inward and realize that feelings can change both ways and that dynamics of relationships can change many times.
So far as your question about my children. Yes, I have a lawyer (a very good one who is a family friend, a founding member of his firm, and has been practicing family law for over 30 years) and there is nothing legally I could do to prevent her from leaving the house and taking the children. The only thing she is legally prevented from doing would be to take them out of state. That she cannot do.
BEClem, on the shifting emotions, I was commiserating and trying to be supportive of you, sorry if I didn't express myself very well.
On the children - I am sorry that you are living in a state that sort of supports mercenary behavior from parents. But does that mean that there's also nothing she can do to stop you from taking the children?
Here's what I would focus on, based on what I've seen in family courts across the country over the years:
Think about what the judge will look at when you want custody. They will look at the best interest of the children when they award primary. Some of the factors will most likely be:
- who lives in the family home with the children (that will be a plus for that parent) - if that is also the address on file with the school, it will be seen as the school-aged children's primary home - what has the arrangement been the last 6 months before the court date (it will be regarded as something you accepted implicitly and it will be hard to argue for another arrangement unless you have repeatedly and clearly stated that you disagree with the way it was) - who is more willing to facilitate visitation and share information with the other parent (basically, who plays nicer and is more willing to share) - who can financially take better care of them - who is more stable
This may actually mean that you moving back in and her leaving with the kids can work to your benefit when it comes time for a judge to decide how the next 16 years are going to look. Make sure you document every attempt from her to block you from time with the children, whether it is overt or just evasive. The babysitter issue can be taken care of with a right of first refusal clause.
Your attorney should have all of these factors for you to consider, and know which ones are more weighted in your local family court.
But to sum it up: I would not leave the family home, I would not accept without very clear and repeated objection that she has taken possession of the children.
Also - it sounds like you need to move ahead on the financial separation, because I agree it is very inappropriate of you to bring up how she spends money on a babysitter, and she will resent you further.
One poster said that she will blame you if you try to predict what will happen and it comes to be, instead of learning it herself. That is very good advice! WAH actually claimed that I had in fact created an illness in another person by recognizing some symptoms and suggested what it could be and recommended going to a doc to figure it out for certain. There is really no end to what we are capable of when it comes to negative powers, it seems.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
The sad part is is that my wife is making her decision based on such negative emotions. She "hates" me and she "knows that that will never change".
When you planned your marriage, she loved you and knew that would never change. Feelings ebb and flow, and the ones that grow are the ones you feed.
Quote:
It's my kids. She will take them and displace them from our home.
Are you sure she can do that? Have you talked to a lawyer about it?
Painter. Us DBers understand that feelings ebb and flow. We are the one's who look inward and realize that feelings can change both ways and that dynamics of relationships can change many times.
So far as your question about my children. Yes, I have a lawyer (a very good one who is a family friend, a founding member of his firm, and has been practicing family law for over 30 years) and there is nothing legally I could do to prevent her from leaving the house and taking the children. The only thing she is legally prevented from doing would be to take them out of state. That she cannot do.
BEClem, on the shifting emotions, I was commiserating and trying to be supportive of you, sorry if I didn't express myself very well.
On the children - I am sorry that you are living in a state that sort of supports mercenary behavior from parents. But does that mean that there's also nothing she can do to stop you from taking the children?
Here's what I would focus on, based on what I've seen in family courts across the country over the years:
Think about what the judge will look at when you want custody. They will look at the best interest of the children when they award primary. Some of the factors will most likely be:
- who lives in the family home with the children (that will be a plus for that parent) - if that is also the address on file with the school, it will be seen as the school-aged children's primary home - what has the arrangement been the last 6 months before the court date (it will be regarded as something you accepted implicitly and it will be hard to argue for another arrangement unless you have repeatedly and clearly stated that you disagree with the way it was) - who is more willing to facilitate visitation and share information with the other parent (basically, who plays nicer and is more willing to share) - who can financially take better care of them - who is more stable
This may actually mean that you moving back in and her leaving with the kids can work to your benefit when it comes time for a judge to decide how the next 16 years are going to look. Make sure you document every attempt from her to block you from time with the children, whether it is overt or just evasive. The babysitter issue can be taken care of with a right of first refusal clause.
Your attorney should have all of these factors for you to consider, and know which ones are more weighted in your local family court.
But to sum it up: I would not leave the family home, I would not accept without very clear and repeated objection that she has taken possession of the children.
Also - it sounds like you need to move ahead on the financial separation, because I agree it is very inappropriate of you to bring up how she spends money on a babysitter, and she will resent you further.
One poster said that she will blame you if you try to predict what will happen and it comes to be, instead of learning it herself. That is very good advice! WAH actually claimed that I had in fact created an illness in another person by recognizing some symptoms and suggested what it could be and recommended going to a doc to figure it out for certain. There is really no end to what we are capable of when it comes to negative powers, it seems.
Painter, and anyone else. Walk me through some of these legal issues. I have made it clear from day one that I never wanted to leave the home and have made it clear that I want to return.
I admit to everyone who 2 x 4d me: My behavior was impulsive.
But to address a few things that were brought up. Both Sandi and Cadet felt I should move back into the home.
Job, you had asked about finances and referred to the house as her house. Yes, she babysits my cousin's daughter during the week and generates about 500 per month from that. It is the only income she has generated the last 7 years and has only been doing it for about 8 months or so. I work full time, am living with my parents and have continued to pay for everything.
The house (our house) belongs to my sister from whom we rent it. My name is on the lease. From a legal standpoint, direct from my Lawyer, it is not her house and I have every legal right to return there should I choose.
Point being is this: It is not her house persay. It is our house and from a legal standpoint, it is my house.
But, and this gets back to the point that Sandi and Cadet made earlier, she has clearly stated that she will leave, with the children, if I return. Where she would go she has no idea.
I realize I may have made a mountain out of a molehill with the babysitter and her going out. But she filed (or so she says) two weeks ago. We immediately discussed splitting finances, her going back to work etc. So we can start SHARING financial responsibility. No, I do not expect her to be a "prisoner" and stay home all of the time. But that is the thing. For 9 months now she has gone out as often as she wanted to. Not once this whole entire time have I given her an issue with her going out. I handed over every dime I made. But something has to give now doesn't it?
I am asking for some discussion on the practicalities.
Has your L gone over the support calculations with you? That's the place to start. You don't have to hand over every dime you make, you can pay the necessary bills and make sure the kids' needs are met, according to support guidelines for your state.
But she's not going to now step up and do what you think she should do. Your expectations are going to cause you disappointment. She is not cooperating, and you giving her all your money is not going to make her change.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
BE the only thing I can offer to you is that my husband filed on a Monday and I was served by the courts that Thursday. If she filed and it has been two weeks I would say she probably didn't file. It is of public knowledge so you could log-in to the court system and see if she filed for divorce.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Has your L gone over the support calculations with you? That's the place to start. You don't have to hand over every dime you make, you can pay the necessary bills and make sure the kids' needs are met, according to support guidelines for your state.
But she's not going to now step up and do what you think she should do. Your expectations are going to cause you disappointment. She is not cooperating, and you giving her all your money is not going to make her change.
Yes. I have been educated on the calculations and how they will work.
Now that she has filed, and has made it clear to me that she will leave our house with our kids if I move back home (even just as a temporary measure until we can both get on our feet) I cannot just continue to hand over every dime I make.
Obviously, I would continue to pay all of the bills until she is able to start contributing to them. But I have to start setting aside money for my children and for myself.
I am really unsure of what to do about my house. My Lawyer has told me there is nothing I can do to legally stop her from taking the children out of the home. But she doesn't have many options as to where she would go.
I do not want to do that to my kids (and I know it wouldn't be me doing it, it would be her).
They're little: 6 year old son and 2 year old daughter. School starts up again for my son in a few weeks. It would be complete turmoil and upheaval for them.
They don't even know about my wife's intentions yet. She hasn't told them. They still think "Dad is coming home" at some point.
BE the only thing I can offer to you is that my husband filed on a Monday and I was served by the courts that Thursday. If she filed and it has been two weeks I would say she probably didn't file. It is of public knowledge so you could log-in to the court system and see if she filed for divorce.
Now this is very interesting. Do you think she did not file and is just saying it?
If it is public record would I go to a state website or county?
I'm pretty sure you can check for things filed in your county court. There should be a section for Family cases, I think. You should be able to search by claimant, I would think.
