I mean, I have not one bad word to say about her as a mother. She is a great mom.
But she will bolt with them if I move back home. And that effects them.
What do you think? What makes you think it's not a good decision?
JMHO, but if she would bolt with two small children without any plan as to how to take care for them.....then I would think she's not very stable, mother or not. The only good reason a woman would take off running with two little kids were if they were in danger at home.
If you don't want to move back for the reason you said, then you need to get to busy and get full custody of your kids. Telling your W why you have decided not to move home, has handed her a tool that she will hold over your head from now on.
Although you may be a very upfront sort of man, you need to realize that there are some things that you cannot afford to share with a WW. She will turn it on you and use for her advantage.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's over everyone. Wife told me she filed for divorce. There is no way she is changing her mind. It's over.
WAS's always speak in absolutes. There's no going back. We're done forever. You'll never change. You always did this. You always do that. Remember Sandi's rules- "Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." How should you respond? That's in Sandi's rules too. "Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject." "Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude." "Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!" "Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do."
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I'm really drained and tired.
Of course you are, you've been through a lot! Just take a deep breath, it's not over until YOU decide it's over. A guy I work with is engaged to his ex wife right now. It's been 6 years since they got divorced. They are more madly in love now then ever before. Back then she told him all the same things you're hearing now!
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She expects the kids to live with her fulltime and the things she said she would do if I fought her on it were despicable.
As the others have said, it's time to lawyer up. DB'ing is a separate issue from custody of your kids, if you have to fight for custody then do so, and it sounds like you do. She has no right to dictate the terms of visitation to you.
I have consulted with my Lawyer about moving back home. I am legally safe concerning abandonment in that in the eyes of the law I have not and am not abandoning them. So that will not be a legal issue for me concerning custody.
There is also nothing I can legally do to stop her from leaving with the kids. Unless she tried to take them out of state. That she cannot do.
Yes. I do want to fight for custody of my children. According to my Wife, what she will be asking for is joint legal custody but that she will be the custodial parent which means the kids will live with her nad I will have visitation.
That I do not want. This is her divorce. Not mine. Not the kids'. I want 50/50 legal and custodial.
She will fight me tooth and nail on that.
So far as a Mom thinking that a strong Dad is attractive: Of course I believe that. But my W doesn't care Cadet. She is so far gone that I do not believe there is anything I can do or be that will reattract her.
I'm sure you recall from my sitch the period of depression I went through for a number of years where I was very withdrawn. I wasn't myself. I wasn't the husband I had been or the father.
All of that is different now. I have heard over and over again on these boards about putting in the work on myself. Here is the thing. I have put in the work. I have worked my butt off these last 9 months.
I am no longer depressed. I am back to myself. I am a great father.
But my W. She is done. She said the other day that none of that matters. She hates me for what I went through (depression) and the fact that I am back to myself and am a great father (which she acknowledges) doesn't make any difference to her.
So I think that I am well beyond re-attracting her. It would take a miracle.
Long ago, you had said that you thought my Wife was depressed. I know she is depressed. I think her issues go well beyond depression. But I can't change that..
Those are her issues.
I mean, her thought processes are't even logical. I even asked her that if I had to come home for a period of time until we get more financially settled, she starts working, I save enough money for my own place etc that she would still just uproot the children? She said yes. I asked her if she thought that was the right thing to do for them? She said no. So I asked her why she would do that then. Her answer "because I cannot live with you. I hate you".
I mean, I have not one bad word to say about her as a mother. She is a great mom.
But she will bolt with them if I move back home. And that effects them.
What do you think? What makes you think it's not a good decision?
JMHO, but if she would bolt with two small children without any plan as to how to take care for them.....then I would think she's not very stable, mother or not. The only good reason a woman would take off running with two little kids were if they were in danger at home.
If you don't want to move back for the reason you said, then you need to get to busy and get full custody of your kids. Telling your W why you have decided not to move home, has handed her a tool that she will hold over your head from now on.
Although you may be a very upfront sort of man, you need to realize that there are some things that you cannot afford to share with a WW. She will turn it on you and use for her advantage.
Yes Ma'am. You are spot on Sandi. My wife is NOT stable. I have known this for years. Molested by her brother as a child. Trust issues. Intimacy issues. Controlling. Runs from problems instead of facing them.
And now "hates" me because I went through a few years of depression that I now have under control.
You are right Sandi, I am a very upfront man. I am a good man. Not perfect. Far from it. I just don't know what to do at this point.
There is no good reason for her to bolt. There is no abuse or anything of that nature. At all.
All she ever said while I was going through my issues was that she wanted her husband back. Well, here I am. I am myself again. I am a great father and my kids love me with everything. And she hates me.
So far as her being unstable, I agree and have known that for a long time. I even tried to help her with it about 10 years ago and she even holds that against me now. Telling me that she was over what had happened to her and that I was the one who made it an issue. But that just isn't true. She was the one who had told me many times in our marriage that the reason she struggled with sex and intimacy was because of what happened to her. She doesn't even remember saying those things to me now.
In addition she has shown unstable behaviors in handling this entire situation. I mean, she filed for divorce without even thinking through about finding a job, where will she live, where will I live etc.
Part of me wonders if she even did file. She claims she did so about two weeks ago before her and the kids took a trip to see her folks. I still have not received anything yet. When I asked her what day it was that she filed she said she couldn't remember.
It literally is like dealing with a crazy person who thinks that I am the crazy one.
And today I get this conversation. I text her about seeing the kids this evening. She tells me she has plans and there will be a babysitter at the house.
So I call her. Not to harp on her going out but to discuss why is she spending $60 on a babysitter and going out to a concert with her cousin? We discussed extensively last week how if she is filing for divorce than things need to change.
She needs to start working. We have to split finances. Figure out the practicalities and the reality of what this really means.
Her initial reaction: "I don't care what you say. I am going".
It's like the reaction of a child. I had to explain to her that it wasn't about going out. It was about that the life she had is now over. If she does not want me as her husband than it is time for things to change now and for her to face the reality of all of this. I cannot afford to support two households. I need to be able to get on my feet so I can provide a safe and stable environment for our children when they are with me etc.
And her going out and spending money on a babysitter is irresponsible at this point.
And her going out and spending money on a babysitter is irresponsible at this point.
And she is thinking why is it your job to tell her that?
You are not her father. Stop trying control her actions or "telling" her what to do.
We discussed extensively last week how if she is filing for divorce than things need to change.
Things will change. You cannot just force it or prod it along. Leave it well alone and let W do the heavy lifting when it comes to filing for D. It is all on her.
I had to explain to her that it wasn't about going out. It was about that the life she had is now over.
It is not your job to "teach" her those things. Lady Karma will take care of it if and when you DO get out of your own way. Life has a way of teaching the WASes things on the other side and they do come to some realizations on their own. Let them learn it on their own and experience it for themselves.
If she does not want me as her husband than it is time for things to change now and for her to face the reality of all of this.
Stop it. Life will teach her life lessons. It is NOT your job to show W the "reality" of her situation. Let her go and let her encounter brick walls...let her fall down...let her figure out her own chit without you being in her face or ear.
I need to be able to get on my feet so I can provide a safe and stable environment for our children when they are with me etc.
You are the only person that you can control...not W, not the Easter Bunny, not the gnome in your garden. How do you plan to get on your feet? What actions can you take to achieve that goal?
And her going out and spending money on a babysitter is irresponsible at this point.
I'd say that's one of the most responsible things W has done in a while...getting a real babysitter to watch the kids. Kudos to her!
BE. Listen to wonka and cadet. They speak sense. Step back.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
How can you say that spending money on a babysitter is responsible?
She does not work. This is money that should be going toward the household. Bills etc.
How is that responsible Wonka? It is a continuation of fantasy land where BEC pays for everything and I go about my business as stay at home mom and don't work etc.
