Like a jigsaw puzzle

[Squiggy]

Oh, stupid me forgot two other good points from earlier.

We BOTH agreed that we do not want to get divorced. I got to quote something from Starsky's old threads: it's funny that we can spend thousands on getting divorced, but we haven't been willing, before now, to spend hundreds on saving our marriage.

She said she needs to go to IC to work through her own problems that contributed to where we are today. I said I'll help make that I'll support her in whatever way she needs to make that happen.

And Wonka grats on that hot new girl! Hopefully she is worthy of your amazing self! You truly are a great woman, and I have much to thank you for.

[Squiggy]

Ok, let's go folks! Series of text messages again today, as normal now. This time I'll write them out.

W: My lawyer called me and left a message. she wants me to call her back and update her on where things are before she reaches out to your lawyer....what should i tell her?
M: How are you feeling about all this? Other than its kind of scary.
W: oh, it's scary as hell, but seems like its what we should do.
M: How is your hope? (something her and I have talked about)
W: I'm pretty hopeful. Still have walls up and can't guarantee they will come down quickly.
M:I don't expect them to. I don't know if you've noticed, but I have some pretty strong ones up too.
W: I've noticed, but nothing is impossible
M: Not at all . You and I, we can move mountains (a theme her and I started using)
W: Do you see us moving forward and leaving all this crap in the past?
M: I do. You?
W: Ok then, our family is worth the effort.
M: That's a start, because I can say you're worth the effort.
W: I do want to go to counseling. I have issues that extend way beyond us, and I think they contribute a lot to the bumps along the road (YESSSS!!)
M: As do I. I've been working on them and strongly considering going to individual as well. Btw, you remember that warm and rosy?
W: I've been trying to work on them, but with all the constant hurdles being thrown my way since i moved here, I haven't been able to do as much as I need/want. Yes (to the warm and rosy)
M: Seeing you say that made the warm and rosy flare up (part of Sunday's conversation). I do know that it is your battle to face, and I'll help you out as much as you need.
W: thank you. it's appreciated.
M: Np. We'll get it all figured out. Let's get him settled in bed and then make the decisions face to face tonight.
W: ok

Then I had to go into a session, and we haven't gotten back to it yet. She'll be here in about six hours, and then we'll be talking about an hour or so afterwards. My hope, based upon what I've been observing, is that tonight we will be canceling the divorce.

I'm glad she is taking much more ownership for her part of the problems, even going so far as to saying, twice now, that she should go to counseling to address issues.

[ralphy]

Reading all these positive stories today has given me some motivation again. I know its been a long, tough process Squiggy, and I hope it continues on the right track. You and UpNorth both!

[mahhhty]

Congrats Squiggy! Keep working on you to make sure you are meeting her half way.

[Squiggy]

Finally got a chance to drop by and provide an update. Let's see what some key things are.

1. I'm staying on top of personal goals, and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at it.
2. I need to work on trust. This will be my biggest hurdle. I'm constantly second-guessing her motivation for things. I know it is partly based in fear and partly based in all the lies and deception that went on.
3. My son moves back this weekend, and W moves back the following weekend.
4. She tendered her resignation at her job and accepted one here that will be low stress while also being in an area she loves to practice in.
5. A big one - I canceled the divorce
6. We've been working on finances and have a good plan, showing that we can problem solve and work together as a team
7. Communication is getting better
8. Another big one - We are registered for Retrouaville on the 31st, and she committed to the follow up sessions.
9. She, on her own, added me on Facebook, which is a show of her being more open and transparent.
10. S5 is confused, but W is actually leading the charge for helping him understand what is going on.
11. She sent me a message that had a picture of her hand with her ring on. I'm struggling with with whether or not to put mine back on. I expected I would rush to do so when I thought about it in the past, but I left it sitting on my nightstand. Not sure I'm ready? Fortunately, I think it's too big, since I'm now down 55+ lbs. Buys me some time.
12. Staying partially detached during this phase of my sitch really did help center me and provide me with direction on how to move forward with a clear mind.

Finally, she also sent me this last night, and I felt it was a good enough quote to attach here, because it really does apply to us LBS in our journey to become the spouse only a fool would leave behind:

"Fall in love with your best friend. Someone you can talk to about anything and know they’ll hold no judgement. Someone who knows the darkest parts of you and loves you anyway, that knows all your flaws and loves you not in spite of them but because of them. Not someone that you can’t live without, but someone that you don’t want to live without. Someone that you want to experience all of life’s ups and downs with. Someone who will hold your hand through the worst times of your life. When they see you at your worst, when you’re broken, and they don’t run away but help you put the pieces back together, that’s real love.
~Unknown."

That was followed by the message: "Thank you for being you. <3"

[CaliGuy]

Congrats Squiggy

Good to hear about Retrouvaille ... it has been a very positive thing for me .... I have giggled a bit as so far there have been 3 DB-MWD references

[Squiggy]

I was shocked to get the letter and see how much of a donation they asked for...

Aside from that, I'm looking forward to it. I hope to be able to get a few things off of my chest and moved forward. Still curious about what all will be covered, since I've read different reports of the weekends.

It was another good weekend for us. Long story short, we did a bit more talking. Figured out finances a little bit as well. Worked together as a parenting unit where we backed each other up. Even when she was crabby one day, I just offered any help she needed and then let her be instead of trying to fix it. I started losing my patience with S5, who was throwing a tantrum in the bathtub and splashing water out, and walked out. She started looking at me like she was expecting an old reaction, and I shocked her by saying I needed to take a quick break from him to cool off. She promptly went in and helped.

Four things shocked me, in a good way.
1. She had the ring I bought her on our honeymoon on her ring finger and was trying to get me to put mine on (I did, but not all the time).
2. She searched me out when I went to the bedroom to work on some things on the laptop, got interested in what I was doing, then cuddled with me.
3. I was in the corner of the sectional relaxing when she sat next to me and then cuddled up against me.
4. We were walking into a store, and she grabbed and held my hand as we walked in.

I'm listening very much so to her feedback on things I'm doing. Fortunately, a lot of it I'm not even thinking about when I'm doing it. Here's a short list of things that seem to have the good feelings affect on her:

-Opening doors for her
-Cooking or helping her cook
-Doing the dishes
-Folding laundry
-Giving her the random compliment
-Making her smile/laugh
-My relationship with S5

I could go on, but there is a trend, which I recognized, to the things she responds to. Her primary LL is Words of Affirmation, and her secondary is Acts of Service. I used to be great at those in the start of our R. Since I've let go, started and started doing a lot of work on myself, I have gone back to that. She pointed these out today in TMs, and I had to tell her it's just who I am now; I didn't even think about them.

She is acting very happy and does not want to leave when the weekend ends. S5 moved back officially this past weekend. W moves back this next weekend. One thing that I know I need to work on is trust. That has got to be the hardest part of it all. I know she says she is happy. She acts happy. She is ready to go to Retrouaville. Tons of "Us", "We", "Our" use and future talk. She is taking ACTION to come back to the marriage: last day at her job is this Friday, put in her notice at her apartment, scheduling a moving van rental, etc. BUT I am constantly in a state of questioning her motives. It's on the top of my list of work to do, other than keep doing what appears to be working.

[CaliGuy]

I was shocked to get the letter and see how much of a donation they asked for...

LOL.... yeah they sprung that one on us during the weekend, its not 'required' but I looked at it as ... ok if this saves the M I will send it in ... beats the price of a divorce.

Aside from that, I'm looking forward to it. I hope to be able to get a few things off of my chest and moved forward. Still curious about what all will be covered, since I've read different reports of the weekends.

Curb that thought ... its not set up that way. Do not go into this thinking you will be able to vent and scream your hurts .... those are a known. What its aimed to do is to set the ground work for you and yours to communicate clearly. Just go in open minded.
I have found its the stuff AFTER that weekend, where you start chipping away at the issues.

It was another good weekend for us. Long story short, we did a bit more talking. Figured out finances a little bit as well. Worked together as a parenting unit where we backed each other up. Even when she was crabby one day, I just offered any help she needed and then let her be instead of trying to fix it.

From a Former Mr Fixit ...nice.... You can be there and listen .. do not pull out your tool box till she asks you to.

I started losing my patience with S5, who was throwing a tantrum in the bathtub and splashing water out, and walked out. She started looking at me like she was expecting an old reaction, and I shocked her by saying I needed to take a quick break from him to cool off. She promptly went in and helped.

Four things shocked me, in a good way.
1. She had the ring I bought her on our honeymoon on her ring finger and was trying to get me to put mine on (I did, but not all the time).
2. She searched me out when I went to the bedroom to work on some things on the laptop, got interested in what I was doing, then cuddled with me.
3. I was in the corner of the sectional relaxing when she sat next to me and then cuddled up against me.
4. We were walking into a store, and she grabbed and held my hand as we walked in.

I'm listening very much so to her feedback on things I'm doing. Fortunately, a lot of it I'm not even thinking about when I'm doing it. Here's a short list of things that seem to have the good feelings affect on her:

-Opening doors for her
-Cooking or helping her cook
-Doing the dishes
-Folding laundry
-Giving her the random compliment
-Making her smile/laugh
-My relationship with S5

I could go on, but there is a trend, which I recognized, to the things she responds to. Her primary LL is Words of Affirmation, and her secondary is Acts of Service. I used to be great at those in the start of our R. Since I've let go, started and started doing a lot of work on myself, I have gone back to that. She pointed these out today in TMs, and I had to tell her it's just who I am now; I didn't even think about them.

She is acting very happy and does not want to leave when the weekend ends. S5 moved back officially this past weekend. W moves back this next weekend. One thing that I know I need to work on is trust. That has got to be the hardest part of it all. I know she says she is happy. She acts happy. She is ready to go to Retrouaville. Tons of "Us", "We", "Our" use and future talk. She is taking ACTION to come back to the marriage: last day at her job is this Friday, put in her notice at her apartment, scheduling a moving van rental, etc. BUT I am constantly in a state of questioning her motives. It's on the top of my list of work to do, other than keep doing what appears to be working.

The trust thing is tough ... one I am working on at the moment and hit a pretty good breakthrough last week. Ironically the 3rd Post Session for Retrouvaille is on Trust and Forgiveness .... alot of good came out of that session.

Good luck .. stay the course.

[Squiggy]

Thanks for the heads up on that. I kind of figured they wouldn't transition to talking about major issues very quickly and instead focusing on the foundation of skills.

It is good to hear that Trust and Forgiveness will be a weekend. I'm good on Forgiveness, even though I still feel the hurt at times. It's not as bad right now. Trust though...Boy. Like I said in the previous post, I think it will be one of the hardest things I've had to tackle. The same thought we all have in the beginning of our sitches, when there is infidelity, of How could this person I trust with my life... comes back to haunt, only in a different way. Now it's more like Can I trust this person with my life after... It's taken a lot of work to get here thus far, and I'm not going to stop now.

[Squiggy]

I finally get a chance to give a quick update.

Retrouvaille...I have no words to describe what it has done for our marriage, and we haven't even started with the post sessions. The first one is this upcoming Sunday.

W is no longer a WW. She is back and doing well with things. There was a HUGE amount of sharing done this weekend between the two of us. We haven't really moved to problem-solving, and I am perfectly fine with it. What we have done is shared our feelings, even the deep painful ones. It even brings a tear to my eye, of happiness and closeness, to even think of how much we shared. My encouragement and confidence is soaring, and I know that I'll have to keep it in check but with an open heart and mind. W shared with me that her confidence in things was at a 2 or 3 before Friday at Retrouvaille, and it now a solid 10.

W has moved to being physically close again. There has been no ML, and I'm not rushing it. However, she now reaches to hold my hand while walking with me, cuddles, ILYs, and she initiated kissing again. It was difficult for me at first to really ease into it, but now it is feeling more natural. I am still remaining healthily detached, and at the same time I am not turning away any affection

Wonka, as always, I believe you are correct. We can make it. I am still working hard on myself. There are some things I had not been able to work on solo, and now I have the opportunity to do so. W says she has her own demons she is working on as well. So long as we keep moving forward and never lose our vigilance, we can do this.

Caliguy - We did do the first activity of the week last night. It felt amazing seeing her bring the stuff down to do it!