I'm not sure where I belong, so please direct me somewhere different if I need to move.
I've been married for 7 years. It's my 2nd marriage, his, as well. I have 2 children from a previous marriage that he has raised as his own since we married. There is no contact with bio-dad.
My husband hasn't dropped the bomb yet, but approximately 5-7x per year he tells me how miserable he is, that we need therapy, that we should just give up and quit. No more than 6-8 hours later, he tells me he loves me, couldn't live without me, etc. It's a true roller coaster ride that I'm tired of riding.
His complaints vary from differing views on religion and child raising to a poor sex life to a house that isn't clean enough. To defend myself, I am a very laid back parent. Our kids are just short of perfect, and they don't require much discipline at the moment. When it comes to religion, I don't attend church because he will not go, I teach our children on my own without his involvement, and I steer clear of religious talk. Our sex life isn't that bad (4-5x monthly), but I do take responsibility and I know it could be much better. Unfortunately, my previous relationship was very abusive, resulting in some fears and concerns on my side that make initiating intimacy difficult. I'm affectionate but have problems initiating ML. As far as the house, I do my very best while raising two kids and working 40 hrs. a week in a demanding position. His complaint is it should be done on Friday evening, while I prefer to relax on Friday and clean on Saturday. It's a for real issue. I'm not making this up.
I know my husband has some issues that I can't fix. He has a poor relationship with his father, his mother passed away about 5 years ago, which has been a real struggle for him, he deals with issues of perfection that he can never attain, and so on. I feel sometimes like I could do every single thing he wanted and still come up short in his eyes.
The last blow up was last week. He complained about his usual things after I made a "disgusted" face. I thought it was my confused face, but it blew up into us needing to see a therapist bc our marriage [censored]. I told him to find someone and I'd go. He never made the appointment and later did his I love you spcheal and asked me why I couldn't just move on after I hesitated in acting normally.
I know my situation is different in that he hasn't left yet, but I get threatened with it all the time and can't do it anymore. There's no one else...he's like clockwork, communicates all day long, I have access to all accounts, etc. what do I do?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to the forums! It's great that you want to save your marriage, but the real danger here isn't him leaving, it's that you may eventually get fed up with his behavior and want out. Your sitch is very similar to mine, I was pretty bad about riding my ex for not keeping the house clean enough, not keeping herself in shape, etc. I still loved her, I just had no idea how much my words were hurting her. No one wants to ride that roller coaster day in and day out. The irony is once you decide you're done, he will be devastated and fall all over himself trying to get you back just like I did. But usually by then it's too late. Like Cadet said, read DB and implement the strategies right away. He needs to feel he may lose you, and have that wakeup call now rather than later when it's too late. Good luck!
Thank you for the replies. I guess this is where I feel lost...I don't want a divorce and don't think I would ever leave, so how do I DB that? How can I change MY actions in order to influence his actions towards me? Or is it even about him?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you for the replies. I guess this is where I feel lost...I don't want a divorce and don't think I would ever leave, so how do I DB that? How can I change MY actions in order to influence his actions towards me? Or is it even about him?
I would sit down with him and have him tell you all the things he feels is wrong, ask him to be honest. Listen to what he says. Can you change yourself to help remedy his complaints?
That would be MY approach, I don't know if it would fit for you, just throwing it out there!
Thanks again for the replies. Today is another fight. I found out I owed our sitter more than usual due to activities they'd done, food for lunch, etc. I took it out at the ATM and figured I'd tell my H when we got home. I did not realize he'd moved money to savings because honestly I didn't bother to look. This caused him to have insufficient funds at the grocery store. Needless to say, he was pissed.
Honestly, I'm sure it was embarrassing but not quite worth the texting fights or silent treatment that I'm getting. More threats about him being unhappy, him saying I'm unhappy, saying we should quit, yada yada yada. Before the fight, I'd asked if we could discuss what happened last week. I feel the need to lay some boundaries so I don't always feel like I'm a fight away from a divorce. We never had that conversation, which is fine I guess because I haven't been able to decide what boundaries I need and how far I'm willing to go to maintain them.
