Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[dwh15]

Journaling:

Slept well, but woke up with the usual roller coaster of feelings for about an hour. Not quite as severe today. The loneliness is the worst of it. Even with the kids around, sometimes it really hits me. I fired off a few TMs to friends and family, and after getting a few replies don't feel nearly as bad. I'm hoping that when I start a new job and get into an office with other people, it will keep my mind occupied and make the days go by faster. I was able to schedule a last minute lunch with a good buddy today, so heading out shortly for that. Have my volunteering with a local youth group tonight and that's usually a good time as well. Just feel like I'm going through the motions most days though. I'm ready to start feeling normal. Sometimes I wish I could just be the friend my W wants me to be, but I know I can't do it, at least not now. Maybe years down the road, after I've totally given up any hope of us working things out as a couple. I don't know. Just hate that it has to be this way.

[dwh15]

Back from lunch. That was fun and cheered me up. My S8 got a TM from mom, who wanted him to ask me to print out some bowling coupons. Seems like the past few days, she's fallen back into the habit of texting kids when she wants something, instead of asking me directly. I don't understand it, but I guess whatever. Suppose it makes things easier if I just don't ever expect to hear from her, other than thru the kids. Hard to believe that just a few months ago, we were another normal family with a few problems in the M, but nothing that couldn't be worked out. I'm trying to think of this as time that I have to learn and improve myself, which I am doing. Just seems like the hurt is never going away some days.

[dwh15]

So finally got a TM from WW today. She asked if S8 had relayed the message about bowling coupons. I replied, yes he did and they are ready. Then she said she had a past due notice about her school loan. I had been paying it the past few months but decided I was done with that. Told her I would pay July, then it was up to her. And I only agreed to July because I had forgotten to mention it, and had not sent her the login info yet.

I could have been a jerk about it, but figured this was a fair way to make the transition from me to her taking care of it. She now has 2 weeks til the next payment to figure out how she wants to handle it for August, and going forward. Then she sends one last TM simply asking if she still has car insurance. I have me, WW, and S18 all on the same policy, so I replied Yes. Nothing further after that from WW. I should probably drop the insurance at some point too, but the title is still in my name and my lawyer said I should transfer it to WW before dropping insurance. So my take is WW is still very upset about me cutting off the money. Probably why she hasn't been communicating much the past couple days. But I need to start enforcing those boundaries and letting her know what life looks like w/o my help.

[sandi2]

But I need to start enforcing those boundaries and letting her know what life looks like w/o my help.

Absolutely!

[Uphill]

It sounds like we are pretty much in line with each other dwh. Still funding some of this mess but weening off and it is causing waves in the WAW minds. We have to be strong and not cave! My weak spot is the kid and I know it's the same for most people here. These ugly people we thought we knew try to use that to lever us into giving in. And it works. But I feel at this point it is the only way to be, so slowly I am going to be paying less and less to give her the "independence" she wanted.

[dwh15]

Uphill, I'll go check out your thread, but sounds like we are in similar boats. My mistake was made early on. I took WW with me to meet an attorney and go over the numbers of what child custody would look like. Based on those assumptions, I started giving her what we both agreed would be the likely amount. It was stupid of me. I should have consulted attorney on my own, and never agreed to give her a penny until one of us files for D.

So I'm slowly digging my way out of that hole, but nearly there. It was me making foolish decisions in the middle of my own shock, and thinking I could somehow "nice" her back into my life. Of course, we all know that doesn't work, but at the time I had no idea. In hindsight, if I would have implemented correct DB techniques when this all first started, I prob could have avoided WW ever moving out, and maybe had a shot at getting us into MC or something. I don't know; it may be good that she left on her own. It certainly has strengthened my child support case, and is going to make her reality far more brutal than it would have been staying here. Plus, I think I would have had an impossible time trying to detach with her still here. It's dang hard even barely seeing her. So maybe it all worked out for the best. Just gotta keep moving forward.

[Uphill]

I follow lots of threads but rarely post on any other than my own because I feel like I struggle to do what works in my own sitch. I don't want to try to give advice on top of that! Haha I did everything wrong also, seems like a common thing around here. I currently have a L working on custody papers for 50/50 right down the middle. I pay child care, S4's insurance and also her auto policy (title in my name also). On top of that I had been giving money to help as she was threatening child support. I even bought her groceries because she was broke. That is going to stop very soon. I got to thinking.... He uses all the same stuff at my house as he does hers. I pay all his expenses, clothes, shoes, insurance, copays, child care... Everything. All she has to do is make sure there is food on the table when he is there and I end up doing that also?!?! Wtf? I never sat back and looked at it but now that I have I feel like I'm getting raped!

[dwh15]

All she has to do is make sure there is food on the table when he is there and I end up doing that also?!?! Wtf? I never sat back and looked at it but now that I have I feel like I'm getting raped!

Umm, yeah. Sounds familiar. Cake eating by a WW. She will take you for every penny you let her have. Plus, she'll be thrilled to have you around as a shoulder to cry on when life gets tough. Gotta pull the plug on all that brother. Tough love time. I took a while to "get it" but it's all sinking in and I'm laying down the boundaries in full force now. WW doesn't like it one bit and is trying to punish me (I believe) by trying to do NC on me. Texting only to the kids, etc. Well, I say enjoy it WW. If anything, it's just helping me detach quicker, so thanks for that. Her life is going to get very tough from a financial perspective, while mine continues to improve. And I'm in no hurry to file for D, so that means no court ordered support until she ponies up for an attorney. I wish her luck in raising the dough for legal representation, when she can barely afford groceries.

And even if she happens to find some poor sap willing to try and get it out of me, I'm prepared with my own attorney and detailed logs of time spent with kids going back 2 months. She's got a very hard road to travel coming up. I really don't enjoy making her suffer, but I'm protecting myself and my kids, and doing what I figure gives me the best shot of getting my family back. I'm hoping and praying it works out for all of us, but I'm committed to making sure me and the kids will be OK regardless.

[dwh15]

Not much going on today. Spending time catching up on some other threads, which really helps my mood. WW took S18 and S8 out for bowling last night, and then back to her place for dinner. S15 and S10 stayed home with me, as usual. The others came back around 11pm, nobody stayed the night, again as usual. Other than a couple of quick TMs about finances yesterday, nothing at all from WW. It's helping me detach, but I still find myself wondering about her mood, and missing her. Think I'll take all the kids to a movie this afternoon for some fun GAL.

[dwh15]

Just got back from the show. Ant Man is very entertaining if anyone wants a good family movie, especially if you like super hero stuff. Kids all enjoyed it and was a nice distraction for me as well. Got home and saw WW tried calling the home number but no message left, and she didn't send me a text or call my mobile, so assuming it was nothing important. I'm not going to bother asking what she wanted. Been really missing her the last couple of days; not sure why but it's been hitting me pretty hard. Hope it starts to get easier soon.