My H says his R with OW is nobody else's business but his and the OW. I cannot believe the arrogance!
He is going to tell the kids next week that we are separating but will not tell them about OW. He said that I can tell them if I want. I don't think I do want to tell them anything. I think it's better that he keeps HER his "dirty little secret" then he will realize how wrong it is.
Sometimes I look at him and wonder what the heck I'm thinking trying to save our marriage. Some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is pretty ballsy for an adulterer. And I just have to take it. Some days I'd like to let him have it. I want to spew out everything that I am really thinking. But for now, I'll bite my tongue, smile, and be light and breezy. GRRRR....
NTGvUp, he is a WH, treat him like a dog that pee'd on the floor, rub his nose in what he is doing. I would tell the kids, his parents, his friends, everyone. Because before you know it, being "nice" and not saying anything will bite you in the butt. My WW has told people that I was abusive (physically/Emotionally), had multiple affairs and everything in between. I WISH I would have told everyone about her affair earlier on and shown the proof of it if I was doubted.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I know train has given you a ton of great advice but until you have to be in a place where you're ready to follow it and I don't think you're there yet. I'm not trying to be rude but your husband isn't going to just wake up. I thought the same way in the beginning but it's not going to happen. The only way you are going to peak his interest is by doing a 180 and showing him you are moving on with your life. He is not thinking logically and his behavior will probably get worse.
Stop asking him about OW and stop tolerating him talking about her. This should be a boundary if you don't want an open marriage. You can put your hand in the air and say H I will not be disrespected by you speaking about another woman during our marriage or something along those lines.
Train gave me that advice and the first time my H said something that was clearly a lie I put my hand up and said we both know that's not true I won't be lied to and disrespected and got in my car and left. He never did it again.
Let OW meet all his needs. Then when you're around him you be the light cheery happy woman he fell in love with. OW will show her true colors eventually. It won't be all roses and sunshine forever
Hi TO. Yes Train has given me a lot of great advice.
He hasn't been home for month and this discussion was on our drive home from the airport. I don't ever bring up the OW NEVER. He brought it up because he was telling me what he was going to say to the kids. Also, he never brings OW up either. He says we are separated and basically it's none of my business.
Now that he's been home for a day, he will see me GAL. I will try my best to be friendly but distant. I've been invited out to a few places this weekend and normally I'd ask him to come but not now. He can sit at home and wonder what I'm up to.
He was snippy about something I should have taken care of while he was away. I asked him if that was going to be his attitude towards me now. Why would you even ask this? Just expect that he's going to be snippy with you. Why? Because he is cheating on you. He has no respect for you right now. (And you aren't demanding any.) The confident Nt wouldn't have asked H if that was going to be his attitude toward her from now on. That's giving him power over you. Who CARES how he's going to act around you? His mood doesn't have to control you! And here's another plug for GAL: If you don't give him the opportunity to be around you, you won't notice his crappy attitude! The confident Nt would have noticed his pouty, whiny, childish attitude and IGNORED it. She would have shrugged it off, not even mentioned it, and continued her day with a smile on her face - yes, even though you would have had to FAKE it in front of him.
And the bada$s Nt wouldn't have picked his cheating butt up at the airport *in the first place*.
-I told him I wouldn't talk with her anymore about us and that it was a mistake. -I told him I understand why he'd be angry about me going into his email that it was a huge violation and that I'd be angry too. First, why did you engage in this conversation when the no. 1 rule of DB is no R talks? Second, why the he!l would you apologize for speaking to his mom and for looking in his e-mails? If he were being faithful, honest and transparent, you wouldn't feel that you HAD to search for information. He is your HUSBAND, and he is cheating on you. And YOU are the one apologizing?? Bassackwards, Nt. Bassackwards.
He then said that his relationship with the OW was nobody else's business but his. Had to bite my tongue on that one. Bite your tongue? THIS, as T0 said, was the PERFECT door-opening for you to give him your "speech" about not living in an open M. Remember when I told you he would open the door for you to state your boundaries in a natural way? You guys weren't even home from the airport, and he had already flung it wide open for you.
But I also agree with T0: You're clearly not ready to take a hard stance to save your M. So until you are, I wouldn't state ANY boundaries. If you aren't willing to put teeth in them, it'll actually HURT more than it would HELP to tell your H that you aren't willing to live in an open M. You proved through your actions today, once again, that you ARE willing to live in an open M ... and you're even willing to pick him up from the airport after his roll in the hay or five with OW ... and then *apologize to him (!!!)* for doing what you felt you needed to do to find out what you're up against and to save your M, when he's flat-out telling you that his relationship with OW is none of your business. Wow!
He was listening intently to what I was saying and dare I say with affection in his eyes. Oh, Nt. He's sleeping with another woman. He's telling you that his R with her is none of your business. And you REALLY think he was listening to you intently and looking at you affectionately?
Please open your eyes. Because that is the ONLY way you're going to be able to get through the weeks and months and - possibly - years ahead. You cannot save your M - and you cannot begin to save yourself - with these kinds of blinders on.
This stuff so confusing! It's really not, actually. Start researching. Read books on infidelity. Look up articles online. What your H is doing is textbook. All the information is out there; it will help you feel your situation is more "normal" than you think it is right now. And most of the literature out there is going to mostly agree on the methods a LBS can use to best combat his/her spouse having an A.
For convenience, I've given you the brief, summarized version in every post I've written to you thus far.
And as for the talk with your children, I would urge you to stay calm ... and quiet ... while your H talks to them. And then calmly tell your children that you will openly and honestly try to answer any and all questions they have. At least ONE of you needs to be an example. And if it were me, I would tell them the truth. And it WAS me once. And I *did* tell my kids the truth when they asked. It's a debated point on these boards. But if I had it to do all over again (and, thank God, I don't plan to EVER do it again), I'd do it the same way.
Good luck.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
So we had the "talk" with the kids about our separating. He tried to lie about having OW. I didn't think that was right. I'm tired of keeping his secrets and I felt it was better the kids knew from us the truth. Well H didn't agree and thinks they are not mature enough to handle it.
As it turns out, my kids are extremely angry and hurt. My daughter (21) says she no longer has a father and called him disgusting. My son (18) is more quiet about it, but is barely talking to his dad. My daughter found out my MIL is supporting the affair and has lashed out at her grandmother (swearing etc.)
My H says this proves the kids weren't mature enough to hand the news about OW. And it's ALL my fault. He says I only wanted to tell them so he didn't come out looking like the good guy. Maybe he's right but I couldn't stand the secrecy anymore. He said now we will have no relationship at all because of the way things went down.
Sorry that didn't go well Nt. I don't have kids but do know that at 18 I was old enough to kill people for Uncle Sam and at 21 I could do anything legally with the exception of rent a car....sounds mature enough to hear the truth about my parents.
Just because they don't like it or agree with it doesn't mean they aren't mature enough to hear it.
Keep being a great parent, your kids know the truth.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Your children are old enough to have their own thoughts and emotions and it's not your fault how they have behaved, they are simply lost and hurting, so be there for them.
Originally Posted By: NtGvUp
... He said now we will have no relationship at all because of the way things went down.
Remember the golden rule,don't believe anything a WAS says and only believe 50% of what they do and that 50% is anything positive they do regarding you.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
NTGvUp, he is a WH, treat him like a dog that pee'd on the floor, rub his nose in what he is doing. I would tell the kids, his parents, his friends, everyone.
There are other books that preach this approach, but DB is not one of them. In DB terms, an affair is a symptom of marital problems, not the cause. Something happened in the M that drove the WAS into someone else's arms, and THAT is what the LBS needs to focus on. Make yourself the better option. If you focus on the affair and dump all your attention there it prevents you from doing the hard work on yourself that might save your M.
You cannot shame a WAS into returning. All it does is drive them farther into the arms of OP, because they feel that is their only safe haven. Obviously there should be boundaries, we've had plenty of LBS's here who had a WAS engaging in an affair and we typically tell them not to be a doormat. IE, don't cook for them, clean their clothes, run errands for them all while they're having an affair with someone else. But there is a huge difference between setting boundaries and trying to shame them by telling others that they're having an affair. All that does is create anger and resentment.
Bassackwards, Nt. Bassackwards.