So today is my 1 year anniversary of that dreadful day when my wife, mother of my 2 beautiful kids made that statement.
I asked to re-evaluate and I just kept messing up so she stopped living in our home in March 2015.
She got her own apartment in May 2015, things just kept deteriating little by little, now there is no contact through texts, or phone nor emails, unless I initiate but its short and pointless?
The only contact we have is either at the gym or through kids exchange once a week. Noticed she always has her phone protected. Also recently started going out on the weekends and after work.
I hardly get any sleep, I have been doing GAL so Im very busy but think about her ALOT, hard to detach from 15years.
I pray more than ever, I've gotten closer to GOD.
I am not giving up, I am not throwing in the towel, I will carry my family on my shoulders because I have faith in our savior our lord Jesus Christ.
I see so many parallels to my current situation. I feel for you and will pray for her heart to turn back toward you. i am very interested in hearing more about the background and how you ended up here. Like I said, I believe we have some stuff in common... To me, I have wondered if this is how God wakes men up in order to remind them that the path to true happiness can only happen through His son. Work, money, material items do not mean anything.. Only obeying God..if a married couple both bind themselves to that idea that marriage will prosper..
My wife and I have always had our ups and downs, last year she started going to the gym and I noticed a big change in her demeanor, she told me she gets hit on by men all the time, she stopped wearing her wedding ring, cause it didn't fit her, I would find it in the car, etc. I suspect EA, but I don't know what to think anymore. A huge hole in my heart for sure.
Yes obeying GOD is the way, Ive asked her to go to church with me and say its too far or too early, etc. But will travel over 10miles to go to 1 specific gym... go figure.
So what have you tried? I bombarded her cards, notes, gifts... Tried to reason, convince, plead too. Thought I was very convincing, but now realize I probably pushed her too far away to get back.
If she ever does take you up on that offer for church that would be a big turn in your favor. What has been the best piece of advice that you have received here?
Well she dropped off the kids Friday as usual, we sat down talked for a little bit, I then asked her how she was doing she started to sob, she said she misses the kids when theyre not with her and that its really hard at work having to work OT to try and drop the kids off at school etc.
I gave her a hug and told her she is a strong woman, I advised her to go to church as it is helping me out a lot, she then told me " you act as if I'm doing something bad or that I did this myself", I didn't respond although I wanted to say "this was your choice!!!" I didn't say anything, wonder if I should have.
Anyhow, my question is I think she is going to try and have the kids walk to my house after school since their school is really close and her new apartment is 10 miles away. Should I oblige if she were to ask, that means she would pick them up from my house every day, I would see her everyday...
I then asked her how she was doing she started to sob, she said she misses the kids when theyre not with her and that its really hard at work having to work OT to try and drop the kids off at school etc.
What a perfect opportunity to validate her feelings!! She opened up to you, that's pretty huge.
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I gave her a hug and told her she is a strong woman,
Good start but...
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I advised her to go to church as it is helping me out a lot
UGH!!! DON'T TRY TO FIX HER PROBLEMS!!!! We guys, it is so darned hard to break out of fix-it mode. But you've got to if you want her to keep opening up her feelings to you. NO ADVICE. Validate her feelings, nothing more. Don't explain/ reason/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree/ fix/ give advice.
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she then told me " you act as if I'm doing something bad or that I did this myself"
Predictable reaction to your comment.
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I didn't respond although I wanted to say "this was your choice!!!" I didn't say anything, wonder if I should have.
Well thank goodness you didn't say that! Because as far as she is concerned, it's YOUR fault and she did NOT have a choice, she was FORCED into it because of how you treated her. Right or wrong, that's how she feels, and right now this is all about her feelings, not yours. Try to remember how she's feeling and respect that. I know, you're saying "what about me??" That's why you come here, WE sympathize with you because you're not going to get that from her
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Anyhow, my question is I think she is going to try and have the kids walk to my house after school since their school is really close and her new apartment is 10 miles away. Should I oblige if she were to ask, that means she would pick them up from my house every day, I would see her everyday...
Absolutely. Kids are number one, whatever you can do to have more time with them and to lessen the impact on them the better. I did the exact same thing with my younger two kids- they came to my house after school every day even on the weeks my W had them so that they could ride the bus. Plus I leave work earlier than she does, so it gave them more supervised time than if they went straight to her house. My middle daughter is starting college next year, but 3 years post separation and we're still following this same routine with S12.
I am having a hard time following your sitch with the new threads .... so with that in mind I will try to offer my advice.
Originally Posted By: ILYNOT
Well she dropped off the kids Friday as usual, we sat down talked for a little bit, I then asked her how she was doing she started to sob, she said she misses the kids when theyre not with her and that its really hard at work having to work OT to try and drop the kids off at school etc.
I gave her a hug and told her she is a strong woman, I advised her to go to church as it is helping me out a lot, she then told me " you act as if I'm doing something bad or that I did this myself", I didn't respond although I wanted to say "this was your choice!!!" I didn't say anything, wonder if I should have.
Again ... no idea if OM is involved or what is going on .. but I would have not givein the hug ... W is starting to 'feel' the consequences of her actions ... allow her to do this, rather than hugging, you could simply validate here.
The part about going to church .. yeah .. DO NOT DO THAT... it comes off as you are Holier than Thou kind of vibe plus you are trying to fix her ... she needs to figure this out on her own ... again .. validate-rinse-repeat. She FIRED you remember?
Originally Posted By: ILYNOT
Anyhow, my question is I think(Mind reading) she is going to try and have the kids walk to my house after school since their school is really close and her new apartment is 10 miles away. Should I oblige if she were to ask, that means she would pick them up from my house every day, I would see her everyday...
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Depends ... is this obligation for you, or the kids .. who would it benefit here? Does it allow your W more cake eating and no consequences for the situation she has put the family in? Or would this simply be better for the kids to spend more time with you and allow your W to go through what she needs to go through?
I seen my W everyday dues to the arrangement we had exchanging S, did not speed up the process I can assure you .... she can not miss you if you are always there right? Now you can do the quick exchanges as I learned to do because I had GAL stuff going on ... but you have to hit a certain level of detachment for that to happen.
Thank you AnotheStander and Caliguy, As caliguy said, I feel if I were to keep my kids daily she will just be cake eating and she wont see the consequences to her actions of "me not being there".
I get the part of me telling her about going to church, I will stop doing that, youre absolutely right!
