Hi vge1. I just want to say hello to you and mention that I too have battled cancer and my spouse. I am always amazed when I read the posts here how similar all of these stories are. Amazingly my wife has behaved most poorly about settling the financial part of our lives. One would think that my wife and your husband just being able to leave a situation that was so horrible to them would make them blissful. I have been blessed with a degree of peace by letting go of the financial situation and have accepted that if I lose the house that I raised S13 and my S's23 and 25 in that I will find a home somewhere. God has always provided my basic needs to me and it may be that he knows something that I don't about where I should live. I hope that you are healing from the cancer and pray that you will be able to focus on your recovery. This battle takes incredible emotional strength and facing a wayward spouse at this time is too much. Those stories in the Bible are to show us that there has always been suffering in this world and people will do horrible things. We must trust that God will always reveal a blessing in spite of the sorrow that we go through. God bless you and be healed emotionally as well as physically. Love your children and turn your thoughts away from your husband and toward them. Peace!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you Shotgun. I'm not worried about the stuff. It's just stuff and I believe God will provide what I need. I do love my children and want the best for them.
Unfortunately, H is displaying behavior that is hurtful to my children. Though I am hurt by his actions too, I'm a big girl and can tackle the attacks via my attorney and through God almighty.
Vge I am happy to read of shotgun & others who have been through similar sitch.
I liked reading this. Stay with it - I am not going to die I KNOW that the answer is out there - it's the 'where' part, but it IS out there.
Continue to use your support networks, Church etc. 'Kick it up a notch' ... You'll need them as he fights uglier & uglier & uglier! He's coming! Use your networks & cast a bigger net if you need to (re support). This is 'war' on two 'fronts.' 1- the disease and, 2 - the other disease, the two legged father of your kids.
On your sick days, remember that your body is fighting like hell against the cancer so it won't feel good. Experience what you need to emotionally & support your body for the fight its putting up. Support your mind by not giving into negative self talk - let it know its a rough patch & all will be well. Get your support all lined up & out (!) if needed (whatever helps you get though the rough patches since your h is acting up with level of inhumane cruelty).
You already know you've got tons of folks here behind you Praying for you to continue staying strong until 'victorious' ... p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Aww thanks pbetra. I do rely on my many friends and this great forum!It helps more than you can imagine. You're right that the battles are there...diseases in two forms.
I am a winner and through the grace of God - I will be victorious on two fronts.
H text again this huge rant filled with accusations and lies. I am not responding. But it hurts. It involves my children and what he thinks I tell them. H is so misguided and full of paranoia, rage, narcissism, and guilt.
It's hard to stay dark when I know his texts just hang out there and I don't respond. I don't want to argue. I don't want to fight.
I even went to the library and bookstore to gather information on making the divorce less toxic. Trying to not be the b****. Trying to be nice. Trying to be fair.
Praying! Lord help me. I know you've got this. i give it to you Lord!
I pray for all of you too, that God may grant y'all peace, strength and wisdom.
You should at least respond that you are NOT poisoning the kids against him. Just to have documentation should it be needed in the future. These guys cannot face the fact that it is THEIR actions that are causing their kids' responses to them. But there is a whole "parental alienation" issue out there that the courts buy into, so protect yourself by calmly disputing his accusations.
Also - use some emotional Aikido in the process, such as "Ex, I know you only want what is best for the kids and me. I am trying my best to encourage their relationship with you and I never badmouth you to them. Unfortunately, they are still aware of the circumstances of your affair and concerned about my life-threatening illness, so you have a lot to overcome with them. I think your best approach would be to spend time alone with them, so that they feel that they are your priority. Don't try so hard to rush them into a relationship with OW - that will come slowly. Perhaps you might consider going to counseling with the kids?"
I texted him today and simply said : Not sure where the time info came from. I didn't give them a time.
I left it at that and boy did I hear it later. A slew of texts accusing me of trying to wedge a gap between our boys and their dad. He was so mad.
I prayed for wisdom on how to handle these texts.
I had to reply because I really want him to know that i don't tell the boys anything negative about their dad. I don't try to alienate their dad. I always encourage (sometimes force) them to go even when they have cried to me that they didn't want to go.
Then he said he didn't want to see them until our mediation sets out the visitation schedule. Mediation isn't until Aug 26?!?!!?
M: So you don't want to see them this weekend?
H: VGE, i explained myself already. You have made this situation impossible. I am still a parent and have rights as their father and I love them dearly. Right now, there is a lack of respect on their part because of stuff you have purposely put into their heads...it has become more apparent & obvious wht you are trying to do each visit. So until I get legal clarification on my rights with my son's on mediation Aug 26.
M: I have always encouraged the boys to go on their visits with you. I hope you can reach out to their counselor. The boys would like to have you in their next session so you can hear from them how they feel.
H: I already planned on talking to their counselor as well as the school district counselors. I'm not going back & forth with u about this but I wil say that last night DS16 had already walked out to the car & then DS9 said they had to be hm by 9p. we were watching a movie & I thought this was strange when he said that but u confirmed this w/u text about picking up DS18 at 9p & telling me to take the boys hm.
M: I simply thought u were bringing them hm around that time or thought y'all wouldve picked up DS18 to take them to eat wherever & I'm glad you will be talking to their counselor.
H: I haven't once all summer taken them hm at 9. Nor have I picked up DS18 since he's been going to band practice on my days w/him. We don't eat at 9p. And that doesn't explain why the boys said specifically they had to BE HOME at 9 & walked out on everyone watching tv. I have to be at work 4am & will see you in mediation. I pray that we can all get along & put this behind us very soon. The children all need to see two parents put aside their differences & try to do what is best for them. Despite our failed marriage.
M; I agree. I know you and I want the best for our boys. They love both of us despite the divorce. They're wanting both of us on their side.
DS16 said he offered to show my H all my texts and even opened his ipod & phone to show him all my texts which just show my DS16 saying - "we're on our way" & my response "yay. thk u. luv u."
So I don't know what is up with my H. I truly hope he does call the counselor. I hope he doesn't take his anger out on our children. I also hope the counselor can explain how they feel and he won't think that I am in any way alienating our boys from him. As I've mentioned that I have never put a time constraint on his time with them. It just became later and later & I didn't say anything except once I asked what time would they be hm cuz they had Vacation Bible school the next day at 8a and it was already 11:30p. And I suggested that he pick up DS18 at 9p since he hadn't seen him in over a wk since DS18 had been practicing and on a retreat.
Okay- what do y'all think about what he said? What about my responses?
I pray for peace. I pray for strength, courage, wisdom and truth.
Keep copies of all exchanges. That is why it is better to email or text. Good for keeping it brief. Do not spend more energy than is absolutely necessary on any exchange with this man. Focus on you and the kids. Say a calming prayer or meditative affirmation and stay the course.
You are battling for your health. Let H deal with his own baggage.
Good job VGE. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Vge, you are handling your situation with h really well.
Its hard not to engage in a conversation with h, but if he is starting to spew then I would ignore the texts, don't answer them - when he can be civil towards you and treat you as you deserve, then I would reply. You do not need to defend yourself, you have done nothing wrong, you have encouraged your children to "play nice" with their dad and as long as you know that and they know that then your conscious is clear.
He is try to raise a reaction from you, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has rattled you. Play it cool if you can, I do appreciate it is really hard.
Vge - your children have a voice, they see, they know, they will remember all of this and your h will find out he is the bad guy and not the saint he makes himself out to be. Hang on in there my friend, you are doing so well.
And lets get off your h and back to you - how are you doing, what have you been up to lately ?
hugs to you - keep your faith strong, it will keep you moving forward with your own life. Love, peace and strength to you.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today after the conversations w/your h.
I want to point out that you can't rationalize w/an angry, emotional person. You handled the situation well, but do not get into any more conversations w/him about the children's visitation hours until your meeting. He's trying desperately to trip you up and make you look like the bad guy. Things aren't going his way, the children see and hear what's going on, hence their attitudes about stuff. He doesn't want to own up to the fact that he's facing the consequences of his actions so the only person that has to be wrong is you.
No matter what you say or do, in his eyes, it will be wrong. Keep your responses brief, but civil and make copies of everything to protect yourself.
I do hope that you can dig deep this weekend and find some inner peace. He's doing everything in his power to beat you down so that you will say "enough" and give him everything. Please, please stay strong and continue to pray. You have two battles going on and w/God's will, will win them both.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
