What your H wants right now is irrelevant. He's thinking like a drug addict, with - thanks to his affair - the very same chemicals pumping through his brain as people who are hooked on drugs. Google it. OW is his drug. You can't talk sense into a drug addict, and you can't talk sense into someone who's in an A.
It's truly that simple.
If you want the best chance of saving your M, you first have to save yourself. I've given you plenty of tips on how to do this - or how to "fake it 'til you make it." It's not guaranteed to save your M. But it WILL help save YOU. And once you save yourSELF, there's a chance you will eventually re-attract your H ... once he's done with OW ... *IF* you still want him then.
I can't say it many more ways than that.
It is best that you do not *initiate* ANY relationship talks. If HE brings your relationship up, and if you find a natural segue to say it, THEN, in a firm voice, say *only* what Starsky pitched to you ... and walk away.
But throw the "no open M" boundary ONLY if you're truly willing and able to enforce it. If you're willing to continue allowing your H to talk to his girlfriend on the phone - even if he's in your basement when he does it - then don't tell him you're not willing to live in an open M. As long as you're willing to let him talk intimately with another woman, then you ARE willing to live in an open M. And there's a big chance your M is going to suffer and (eventually) end because of it. If you allow your H to have a "secret" girlfriend, he can't possibly also meet your needs. And he's allowing another woman to meet HIS. And that's the beginning of the end of a M.
It's not my place to tell you what kind of M you want. But if you want your H to yourself, then ... well ... don't share him. If he insists that you have to, then ... well ... start to move on with your life. You'll eventually find a man who is willing to be yours and yours alone. And MAYBE, somewhere along the way, your H will wake up and want to start the long road to recover the M you're both currently in. Whether you will still be willing to do that will be up to YOU and where you are on your path at that time.
Maybe spend some time with yourself to decide what your core, personal boundaries are. As long as your H is inviting another woman into his life, you'll be living in an open M. It's up to you to decide whether that's something you can live with or not.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I'm confused. I thought most of the people on here have spouses who are having affairs. I can only say what I can say or do what I can do. I can't force him to leave the OW. If I say to him it's her or me he'll choose her because like you said he's addicted to her.
Earlier you told me not to tell him to leave the house. What are my other options? I don't want to live in an open marriage.
He's going to continue his A as long as he wants to.
You stay in the house. You sleep in your room. You live your life. You have some fun. You act like he's not even there when he's there except to share a "hello" in passing, like you would a neighbor. ***If HE mentions your relationship**, you tell him that the current state of your relationship is not what you wanted but that you've finally realized what you deserve in life, and you're SURE you don't want to live in an open M, and neither WILL you live in one. And then you go on about your life. You don't meet his needs. You don't cook for him or clean for him or have sex with him or validate his feelings. You go out and have some fun. You stop worrying about how every step you take may make or break your relationship with him. You stay in your house. You sleep in your room. And you LIVE YOUR LIFE. And let him live his. And then, in time, watch him fall on his face.
If he wants to move out? He can. He's a big boy. But meanwhile, go live your life and don't meet ANY of his needs. Let OW have that job for a while. And let's see how she stacks up.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I will GAL, detach, be mysterious, treat him like a neighbour, not have sex with him, not meet his needs, won't validate him, won't cook for him or clean his clothes. Don't worry, I'm getting all that
It's just the smaller details I get stuck on. I really appreciate your input.
Picked H up from the airport. Boy was he pi$$ed at me. He was snippy about something I should have taken care of while he was away. I asked him if that was going to be his attitude towards me now. He said that he was angry that I'd emailed his Mom and that I snooped into his email account.
-I told him I wouldn't talk with her anymore about us and that it was a mistake. -I told him I understand why he'd be angry about me going into his email that it was a huge violation and that I'd be angry too.
He then said that his relationship with the OW was nobody else's business but his. Had to bite my tongue on that one.
Once we got home, he was ok. I was in our bedroom on the bed and he came and sat down and we talked for a bit. He was listening intently to what I was saying and dare I say with affection in his eyes. This stuff so confusing!
