hold on! - 11

[SunnyB]

U, I'm about to ask H to file. I don't feel like a WAW, I have been at this for more than a year with zero sign of anything good happening. I'm going to ask in person, but have no intention of rehashing anything. He knows I didn't want any of this, I don't plan to go into it again. I'm simply going to state what I want now, which is for him to finish what he started. I do expect there to be some conversation about timing and approach. That's what seems authentic to me. What's authentic for you? At this point, U, that's the choice you make, don't worry about W's reaction. Make it real for U.

I do hear you about feeling like a failure. I don't think I've failed at my life, on the contrary I've gotten it back. But I do feel like a fraud posting to newcomers sometimes, I always want to write a disclaimer, don't listen to me, I did not save my M.

[CaliGuy]

I have finished the initial paperwork for my L and am delivering that to him this week - early this week I presume.



I have some questions that were part of my lost post (and sorry if this is such a disconnected post, but I am on a borrowed computer and pressed for time on it):

This action seems so much like ME blowing up my family - How can I possibly get over this? I do not see any other outcome, but it comes down to my action that will make this happen.

This has been bothering me too - how should I notify WW about this?
--should I have a conversation about this - going over the why, how much this hurts, how I wish things were different? Explain it all one last time? This would be for me, not to change the situation.

--should I just have her served?

--other options?

I don't want to create more drama, but I don't want to be perceived as an a-hole or a coward. So I don't know how to achieve all of this.

Note: I also feel like a bit of a failure here too. With this being a pro-marriage forum, I have lost it, and maybe have just turned into a WAH. This really bothers me and I feel like, though I have grown and learned and improved, I have not achieved my goal, and I have wasted everyone's time here. I do appreciate all of the help that I have received from this fine group - I wish I was as wise to help others.

Thank you for being with me.

How can you get over this? Well U ... we joined at the same time, you have been HERE about a year and you have done all you can do. Truth is ... your W had/is having an A and refuses to stop it and focus on the M which was all you ever wanted .. a fighting chance. So at this point, YOU need to do this, for YOU ... its not to punish her its to set you free otherwise W would be more than happy to drag your a$$ through the mud for eterity ... you have gained enough self respect to not allow that to happen any longer, something I have always hoped you would do to be honest.

This is not on you ... you have done all you can and at somepoint... sure this is a pro-M site, but even more its a Pro-Human site and this sitch is not good for you.

I honestly think you are goint to see some serious movement with your W ... and I would not talk, no speech .. just have her served. You have talked enough to this point, Its Action time IMHO

I have always said I think this was what has always been needed for you. I do not think your W wants D, but she is fat and high on cake.

I do fear however that so much time has past that the resentment has built for you ... totally natural I think in this case. I believe you need to cut the tie and take some time for you ... alone and away.

Let your W come to terms with the fact her actions and lack of actions after the fact has lead to this .. its not on you , you have gone above and beyond what anyone should expect a man in your position to do.

[u-turn]

Thanks Sunny,
I'm not sure what would be authentic to me - I guess there is no good answer, no good way. I have a little time to figure this out.

I do feel like I am in control of this - I imagine she is going to play like she is the victim in this - but I cannot control that.

I was in contact with L and he responded that we can get this moving immediately - it hurts that this can be done just like that (snapping fingers). My heart sank again.

Thanks for your support!!

[u-turn]

Hey Cali - I know it would seem like I am trying to talk myself out of it if I rehashed things. It would make me seem weaker.

I don't think she wants to D either. She has never stated that she wants that, but I am not willing to continue this. So many internal deadlines have come and gone, so many times re-evaluating my situation, so many times getting kicked......

My resentment - yep, it's there - I feel it boiling in me almost every day.

-----

quite possibly in 3 months it will be finished (i'm sure it will drag on much longer than that once she sees what I am requesting).

I don't know how we are going to manage living together until that point once she is served.... something else to figure out.

Thanks for your support as always (you really help so many around here - super cool cali )

[Vanilla]

U

I doubt if WW victimhood holds good even in her eyes, although she may persuade herself.

You are handing in your notice as her H with dignity and respect. If you feel its time then it is.

Have you thought that perhaps by saying enough you may be doing and acting in a way which moves you forward to a much better place? You can still stand and hold on your principles of M with a new version of WW if she emerges and if you want that.

You can still stand if you wish. This Forum is pro marriage but as Cali said its pro values too. All you are doing is taking away your cake.

V

[JellyB]

Hi U,
I just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it, but one of the last things my ex said to me, in the last big discussion we had was "do something that stops me taking you for granted".

This has gone around and around in my head since the moment he said it. At first it was crushing to hear. The blame I felt from that statement. The incrediable sense of not being good enough as I was, that what I was doing and how I was contributing to the relationship, how I was loving him was not good enough and our relationship ending was all my fault.

With many months of reflection, some of that statement is all of those things. His need to abdicate responsibility for his role in changing our relationship dynamic, his lack of committment to carry some of the load. But...I realised that he was in some way actually asking me to draw a line in the sand, a boundary, that said to him, I priortise myself, I respect myself and will not support you in you taking me for granted. I think about it now and I wonder if he was asking me to help him be the person I feel in love wiht and for me to return to the person he fell in love with, he wanted that girl back, and didn't know how to make it happen himself. I think now he disliked himself knowing that he was being selfish and was asking me to help him gain his own self respect.

I wonder if you taking this next step, is a way of demonstrating to wife that you do completely have self respect and self love and will create a boundary for her to respect. Look I don't know what my ex would have done if I had done the things that would have stopped him taking me for granted. But I think its time your wife got a strong sense of the man you are and the man you have become.

Just my opinion and said with great kindness and admiration of you.

JellyXXX

[u-turn]

Hi V.
It always seems to me that W's views are a complete short cycle. What I mean - she seems to think that I am reacting to immediate events only. She MAY think, "U-turn, what happened this morning that makes you want a D?" she has reacted this way in the past.

A while ago, back in time when I wanted to have discussions about our situation, she would react with this, a)what happened recently that makes you want to have this discussion, b)I was nice to you to make past events go away but it is never enough for you, c)you keep dragging up old crap.

My response to this NOW would be: a)this is not a reaction to a specific single event, it is an accumulation and nothing has ever been addressed. b)nice does not work for me to void the issues, c)the old crap has not gone away and new crap keeps getting shoveled onto the pile (and spraying nice perfume on it doesn't make it any less of a pile of crap).

I really think that she will be shocked by being served. I believe that she actually think she has changed the situation by being nice and quiet (for two weeks = enough time to smooth things out and forget about everything). And I have been trying to talk a little more to her, which just reinforces this for her. (this bothers me).

I do hope this moves me to a better place - a place where I can just be, just me and the kids (when they are with me). A place where I am not tormented by this. BUT I also hope that I can move forward as a person that can accept love from someone. I probably hope to be with a person that will love me as I thought I was loved before. (I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I don't have a lot of faith that will be with a new version of WW - maybe that is something that I want, but she has so far to go. I have seen this WW version (which I think she still likes and her support group accepts, encourages, and fuels) for so long now that I don't see her coming out of it - it's her power and control that she is thriving on.

Thank you V!!

[u-turn]

Hi JellyB,
Thanks for stopping by my place - it's a bit of a mess right now - I hope you don't mind.

I think maybe at some point she will (admire???) me for standing up for myself and values - I can't say whether or not in what ways it will affect her - maybe some, maybe not at all.

Thank could happen or she could just see the ripping the family apart aspect of it.

Early after BD her complaint of me was that I wasn't my own person, didn't stand up for myself, didn't say no to anyone, didn't love myself, wasn't in control of my own happiness, held on to guilt over things that were out of my control, I was carrying the weight of the world........ I understand and agree with all of this. I think this was overwhelming to her.

Now I stand up for myself - not in anger, just to move forward. (likely too late for her to come with me).

Thanks for coming over

[Vanilla]

As long as you are doing this for U!

And not for the effect of it. I am trusting that is so,.

V

[u-turn]

I believe at some point in my sitch, I couldn't answer that question honestly. I know I was always looking for that magic switch to change her.

Now - I only see this as a way for me to move forward and hopefully a way to have the kids live with a better me. (I know that sounds a lot like a BS statement, but it is really how I feel).