Okay, here is my story. It's a long one so bear with me. I've been with my wife for 22 years, married 17. We met shortly after college. Our marriage has been mostly happy, but obviously right now things are broken or I would not be writing this. Although her actions are what sparked the current situation, I know we both contributed to it.
Shortly after my wife told me she was pregnant 14 years ago, I had a meltdown of my own. I was working crazy hours as a chef - hard work. I was under a lot of pressure as the sole bread winner and felt as if I was at a career dead end. Adding the stress of a baby was overwhelming. I developed quite the addiction to internet porn and gave my wife less and less attention. Things came to a hilt when I began engaging in voyeuristic activities. Although I would never defend my actions, I was not unfaithful with another person. That was not something I sought out. It didn't take long before I got caught. I realized that I probably wanted her to catch me, I was horribly sloppy about hiding anything from her.
My world came crashing down. So, I entered a sex addiction treatment program which changed me and my life. I began processing all my behaviors, pain, self esteem issues, shame, etc and got to the core issues of what sent me off the rails. I felt powerless in the current life and grew up in a family of abuse, and neglect surrounded by powerful people. So, I've been sober 5+ years and became a different person. I've become, in my own eyes, an amazing husband and father. I am healthier physically and emotionally than I've ever been. I was given the gift of an opportunity to change and I ran with it. My wife also attended counseling for 2+ years in a spouses group. I believe it made her stronger and more independent. Where we went wrong is we never worked on our marriage, just ourselves. As time went on, she grew more distant. She went on various powerful drugs for depression and anxiety and those made it even worse. She was "numb", in her words, and even though she appreciated the new me, she still grew distant. Sex was occasional and usually uninspired. She began to spend a lot more time with her girlfriends. It was such a slow process that I wasn't alarmed. I was concerned, but thought it was a phase. Big mistake. My wife has always been very codependent. She always tries to fix other people's problems. Never wants to disappoint anyone. Always buys whatever you are selling. She gives and gives. Except, for me. She had built boundaries between us and only us. I understand that was part of her recovery process to protect herself.
She met a new girlfriend she worked with and began hanging out with her. Let me be very clear, my opinion of this person is not solely based on what happened, but on obvious characteristics. She is a sad sad woman. I've never met a more self conscious person in my life. She is not an "attractive" person, kind of overweight and not at all feminine. Doesn't wear makeup. Doesn't try to look pretty - just lives. She was very quiet, eyes always at her feet. Only spoke when spoken to and just overall a very unexciting person. I knew she was gay, but she was still "somewhat" in the closet. She had a part time job at my wife's work and was in an art school program which she eventually failed out of after spending 10's of thousands of dollars. She lived alone and I knew she was struggling. So, in the fall l offered her to rent a room in our house. Her rent would be cut by 70% and she would not be alone all of the time. Additionally, she needed a car because she would no longer be able to walk to work if she lived with us. So, I was able to get her a car with low mileage for only $1000, which she would pay $100 a month. We helped her paint her room and move. We had to ask her repeatedly for rent and she never paid for the car. She only lived there for a couple months.
Not long after she moved in, I noticed just how weird this woman was. I would come downstairs in the morning to find her sitting on the couch just staring. No TV, nothing. She was kind of creepy. My wife started spending a lot of time with her, staying up late with her night after night talking. We would have friends over and the only time she ever opened up and started being "fun" was when she would drink. She started binge drinking and having out of control blackout drunk nights where she would throw up in the back yard and pass out on the concrete. Of course my wife took care of her. Finally, things culminated when the woman swallowed a bottle of Ambien and washed it down with cheap wine. Enough was enough. My wife contacted her family and they flew across the country that day. She was involuntarily committed to a Psych hospital for a few days and I demanded she either enter a 30 day sober residential program or leave. She moved out the next week. Shortly after this, my wife's grandmother died which crushed her. She was raised by this lady and without a doubt she was the most important person in her life. This really accelerated the changes in her personality It was shortly after that my wife started having an affair with this woman. I've never suspected my wife to be bisexual or a lesbian. I do believe she has never cheated before. I found out 2 months in when I found a love note from the woman to my wife. I insisted it end right away. My wife said they were only kissing and there was no sex. A few days later she admitted they had sex once and "fooled around" a few times. I believe it was more than that but at this point I don't really care. She told me she was in love with this woman and didn't love me "like a husband" anymore. She had discussed leaving me and being with her. That notion is simply ludicrous. That is what hurts the most. That is what baffles me.
About 6 weeks after my initial discovery, I learned that my wife went to see her again before she took a two week trip back to see family. She claims nothing happened. I don't believe her and don't really care. At that point, I told her we need to divorce or file for legal separation. Then, I left the next day for a few days on business and we had a long talk on the phone one night until 3 AM. I felt as though I still wanted to work on things. I didn't feel like we really fought for our marriage. I felt like I was walking away without doing everything I could to save it. I had therapy, and she had therapy but we only attended marriage counseling twice years ago. We never tried to repair what I broke 6 years ago. Little did I know that during that long phone conversation, she was making arrangements for that woman to come get her via email. She hung up with me and went and spent the night with her. I found the back and forth emails and saw when they were sent when I returned home. I absolutely lost it. She betrayed me again? This woman was using the car I gave her to come get my wife? We had a horrible fight. I was throwing her stuff into the yard telling her I wanted a divorce and to get out of my house. It was ugly. We didn't hit one another ( I NEVER would) but said just about every hateful thing we could. I got the divorce papers together and they are filled out. I haven't filed. I did threaten this OW and "messed" with her. I wanted to strangle her, but I would never risk my freedom or being away from my son. She's not worth it.
This seemed to be hitting bottom for my wife. She is remorseful and complicit at this point. The reason I never gave up on her is because this behavior is so incredibly out of character for her. She's always hated lying. She's always been loyal. And this OW is got nothing going for her - nothing. It's just too bizarre to go after such a broken and pathetic person. It would make more sense if she found a lover who was desirable and could provide for her. Who pursues someone who just got out of a mental ward? (I know, someone who is codependent to a fault!) I suspect the powerful drugs she is on, her need to be a caretaker, the enormous trauma she has experienced over the past few years (especially what I did, her grandmother dying, her father was killed in an accident and our home was broken into by a drug riddled psycho while she was home) sent her off the rails. I am willing to accept that her feelings for me have changed, but I changed too. I am simply NOT the same man I was years ago. I am a great husband and father. I am desirable. People do change. She never gave the new me a chance.
So, now she is weaning off the Wellbutrin and other drugs and is going to some less powerful drug she can take only when feeling anxious. We are exploring EMDR therapy and other natural remedies, meditation, etc. Her new Psych said he is certain she is not bipolar as her last Psych told her. She primarily suffers from low level depression and PTSD triggered anxiety. We are separated but under the same roof. We have a large home that allows for us to see each other very little. I am focusing on myself and giving her space. I am allowing her to reach out and not instigating anything. We do have open, honest (as far as I know) communication and I do believe she wants us to work. I know I want that. I never stopped loving her with all my heart. I am showing her the same grace and patience she showed me 6 years ago. We have our first marriage counseling appt in a few hours. Am I crazy for hanging on? I don't know what to do but I do believe we can survive this.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/29/1507:11 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
T:22 M:17 Me: 44YO Her: 42YO 1 son 13YO BD 5/16/15 Her affair w/ OW 3/15-7/15 Her: ILYBNILWY
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. I am employing DB techniques 100% now. I emailed my family and asked them to do the same since they were all close with her too. Every day seems like an eternity.
T:22 M:17 Me: 44YO Her: 42YO 1 son 13YO BD 5/16/15 Her affair w/ OW 3/15-7/15 Her: ILYBNILWY
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've ordered both books and cannot wait to read them. I've known for years the best way to get her attention is to ignore her. She knows this. She might catch on to what Im up to but I've got nothing to lose at this point. It already seems to be working. Good point about the browser history. I will set it up to clear when I close it automatically.
T:22 M:17 Me: 44YO Her: 42YO 1 son 13YO BD 5/16/15 Her affair w/ OW 3/15-7/15 Her: ILYBNILWY
Posted my story a few days ago. I'm so lost and confused. I feel like I don't fit into any "category" here. My W had an affair with another woman, but has admitted it was a huge mistake and does not want to go back to her. I'm not sure I believe her, but this OW has nothing going for her. My W knows this - everyone does. I do, apprehensively, believe that is over. She's just not sure about her feelings for me, but then says she loves me. She's not quite a WAW or a WW. She says she wants to work on things.
So, I don't know if 180 techniques are the right move. They seem to drive her further away. I have been GAL for 1+ years now - long before any of this happened. I've gotten fit, been spending more time with friends, been more independent. but i cannot help myself by talking to her and expressing my feelings. I still let her do the first text, email, reach out MOST of the time. she still wants to hug, hold hands, be affectionate. But I just sent her a very heartfelt email about why I think we have gone astray.
I don't feel detaching is the best thing if she says she wants to work on things. I know not to pressure her, but how can I say I want to work on things and then ignore her? We are "separated" but in the same house - diff rooms. It's not ideal but for financial reasons we cannot afford another place (live in the Bay Area - most expensive city in the US). We don't really have friends that could put someone up for more than a few nights. Neither of us have filed.
Together 22 years, Married 17, 1 child 13YO boy. She is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She says the same of my but also "love you but not in love with you". but I felt that way years ago and came back. I know many couples that have.
T:22 M:17 Me: 44YO Her: 42YO 1 son 13YO BD 5/16/15 Her affair w/ OW 3/15-7/15 Her: ILYBNILWY
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, your situation is not unique for we've had LBHs finding out that their wives are having an A with OW.
Breathe.
First and foremost thing you MUST do is stop all R talk or expressing your love for W. Allow her to process her emotions. If you're in her space ALL the time filled with anxiety about her decisions, then she can't have some breathing space to look at the M because you're in her FACE constantly.
Back the f@ck off and follow Sandi's Rules to the letter. She's heard you and she isn't deaf.
Keep coming back here and post. Be sure to clear your browser of history each day. I cannot tell you how many times I've witnessed DBer's marriages implode immediately after their WASes discovers this site. We don't want this to happen to you.
