Just caught up on your sitch .. even went back a bit to re-read and refresh what I thought was accurate (I followed you from day one .. not always posted as I felt you were being lead along the right path). Sometimes I have gone back and re-read my own thread and given myself advice I would give others … strange how that often mirrors what others were trying to tell me. I think AJ hit on something Train and Starsky have been trying to get through to you … maybe I can hit that same nail and try to drive it in a bit further.
Reading your sitch .. your W has atleast been consistent in one thing .. lying and denying the A. Was not till YOU started to push for separation and D did she show movement, (As Sandi and Stasky mention time after time here .. the WW does not stop till she FEELS the sense she is about to lose something) but you did not set strong boundaries and she continued the contact, to me this was her giving you a crouton and you believing it was a stuffed turkey. So now you have the NC letter (Which from the vibe I get you did most the work behind that) and OM is blocked from her phone … as far as we know. (I touched on this with my reply to you in my thread and will revisit this in a bit). I have yet to see you post where she has shown remorse, admitted the A was wrong. Your M issues … what were they? What did you do that you could work to fix … what are the issues she needs to work on … the A is simply a result of the M breaking down and for your and her sake you have to look at what lead you ‘here’ right?
All this ^^^ and the theme of your thread …..respect. You have to work on you as AJ mentioned and rebuild your sense of self-worth. I know .. I had to do the same and its tough after your world was shot to he$$ in a hand basket and all you thought you knew about yourself was ripped away … thing is no woman loves a man she does not respect, and how can your own W respect you when you do not respect yourself? (You may be saying to me .. But I do respect myself right now) The fact you have not set boundaries and your W continued the contact .. sorry I am not buying the phone reboot excuse…she is not all in and still might not be. Might sound cold and harsh but I am telling you .. it’s the truth and something I feel the LBH better learn regardless of his sitch … its important for a man to know his self-worth and what he will tolerate and absolutely not tolerate … this is Non-negotiable and does not come from a place of punishment, it’s a take it or leave it mindset because you understand your value, she is of free will to be with whomever she wants … but so are you.
My issue with the ‘transparency’ topic, she is only sharing with you what she allows you to see. In todays world of smart phones, emails and apps … pretty simple to continue on if one would choose to do so … one could simply go further underground if that’s what they really want to do. As I said in my post to you on my thread .. I refuse to chase that cheese, if my W decided to contact OM … her choice and one that would cost her any shot at a M with me. But this was listed as my boundaries when she came to me not wanting the D, and wanting to work on the M … that being said I learned this the hard way … she broke up with OM several times over the 1.5 year A … I was not strong enough at the time to set my terms, I was just happy to have a shot and save the M .. in a sense I was happy with table scraps, I then started to rebuild myself .. as AJ said certain things I would no longer accept .. how she treated me, talked to me, all those things I did put up with to ‘keep the peace’ well .. no more .. if it costed me my M so be it because that M was nt one I wanted back .. I learned a valuable lesson: When you place your W on a pedestal and worship her .. she becomes a Queen, and over time she starts losing respect for you, this was the mistake I made in my M, we were not Equal .. I put her needs ahead of mine and I had to learn how to restore balance.
It takes time .. but I think you need to figure out what you need, how to regain balance and respect. Do not be afraid to state your needs .. this might upset her, she will spew here and there .. she will definitely test these boundaries .. but if you hold firm from a place of strength and resolve, she will respect you.
