I too felt that I was walking away from a sick person during and after the divorce hearing to finalize it. I was not sure if she would even be alive because of the illness for very long. I gave it some time and space for her to deal with her life and her decision and for things to settle in regarding how her life was now going to be. She found out for herself that it was not great and actually sucked. She found out what she had lost and given up. It was the eye opening she needed to commit herself to getting help and dealing with the disease she has. Things have improved a great deal and we are now talking.
Give the ex time and space. Maybe this will be what he needs to open his eyes and start to work on himself.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I will get out of God's way. I have plenty to handle. I've been pleading with him to get help since I was 12. On him now. Obviously, I'm not the thing which will sober him up. Let's try something new. Seems that when I step away, he gets closer to the truth.
I'm scared, but excited about the future. Got to leave Matt to Matt.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yes, Heather, he fired you from the job of taking care of him. I know it's hard - I worried about my ex a lot too until he remarried (not an addict, but depression and brain issues around his multiple concussions). But we offered and they rejected our help - time to move on.
It's sad because addiction is sad, and you're right, no one wakes up and decides they want to live that life. You've sent him the links and he knows his family would have his back if he tried to get clean. And since he's been in N.A., he knows where to get help. You can't do it for him, and right now, your job is to get your own act together so that you can raise those girls to be happy healthy functioning adults.
D21 should really attend Alanon or an ACOA group, it would probably be a great source of support and understanding for her.
Meanwhile, like I said, try to plan your finances so that you're not absolutely dependent on the child support, in case it suddenly dries up. Make it a goal to reduce your spending and increase your income to the point that you are able to meet all your bills every month and have an emergency fund. Read Dave Ramsey or listen to his radio show (I completely disagree with his politics, but he's right on when it comes to eliminating debt and getting on a budget). Read the mrmoneymustache website for inspiration (it's amazing how well people can live on how little, if they really incorporate the ideas there.) I also love the Tightwad Gazette books, lots of creative ideas in there.
You can handle this because you're smart, Heather. You just need to get over your own idea that you can't manage money or you can't be successful. Put a positive affirmation on a post it note on your bathroom mirror: "I can master frugality and become financially solvent and secure."
Frugality is not a dirty word - it represents freedom! Read those resources I gave you, it'll expand your mind.
Meanwhile, set up an envelope system - the easiest budgeting system for the non-mathematically or non-budget inclined. It keeps you honest in a big way and prevents nasty surprises at the end of the month.
We are. We just are. I'm supposed to go be happy and enjoy my life now. Knowing I left someone to die.
You need to get yourself together and really focus here. You did not leave anyone to die. You should just take that thought right out of your Head NOW. I know you have a tendency to spin out when the really emotionally tough stuff happens. We all do, and this is up there in the hard stuff. But you to regroup and just take the above thought and know it is not your leaving someone to die.
When I post to you, I want you to know it's from experience. I have been through what you have been through. I understand what you are feeling because I've been there. My mother did die of her addiction. And I lived with the guilt as a 21 year old thinking it was my fault. My aunt( her sister). And I were talking about it today. She went through all the " what if's" on things my aunt could have done. And we both agreed we did not LET her die. It was not our faults. You cannot take on that burden. Iits unhealthy for you and for your daughters.
My ex is in my daughters life. Every other weekend and one night a week. And his vacation week. He's more of an uncle than a father and is not involved in raising her. Just watching her. So, while not quite the same, I feel that stress since she was a baby of raising her alone. I feel soley responsible for the woman she becomes and what she does with her life. Yeah. It's scary and ii get overwhelmed at times. But I know I can do this. Just like you can.
Mourn what you need to mourn. But control only the things that you can. And the only thing you can control is you.
You are suffering the Big D final spins. These are much like the spins you get after a hard night drinking. Sit down, take a deep breath and calm yourself down. This is just another stage of the process. It may not even be the last stage. Only time will tell. For now you need to continue to be the rock for you daughters and guide them through this. Life will go on. Matt may wake up and get the help he needs. You need to slow down and not panic. Remember, the sun will rise tomorrow.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Thanks so much Life. That's exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to hear some hope.
Feeling a bit better. Have had some dark moments, but it's lifting. Worn out, but excited to live free of this crazy. His crazy infects me like none other.
Exercised the past two days to get back on track.
Checked in with my coach yesterday and received some positive feedback. Joined a support group for women with ADHD.
Listening to a lot of sermons.
A bit surprised by the love that is still there under all the hurt. I guess it's not surprising considering this person was a major part of my life since I was 12.
It's also been an awakening to the abandonment struggles I still have and fears of not being able to cut it "officially" alone. I can profoundly feel the hole in my soul that only God and I can fill. Facing it though. Not running from it. Have also had some clarity about our situation here. D12's unhappiness here is a huge burden on me because it makes me the focus of her life which is too much with all the other responsibilities.
Anyway... all in all, learning more about me, about the girls and about what we need to move forward.
Had some interaction with Matt. He is convinced he looks great. "I think I look pretty effing good!" Any mention of his getting help is greeted with some strong resistance.
Apparently, losing his house, wife, kids, pets and life isn't enough to rock him out of his denial. At least not today. There's nothing more I can do. Letting him go.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
