I'm brand new to the site, as I just discovered it yesterday. Here's my story. I'm 47 and my wife 42, together 24 years, married 18, with 4 boys, ages 8, 10, 15, and 18. The 15 year old is fully autistic, and the 10 year old is on the spectrum, they are calling it Asperger's Syndrome. Back in early March this year, I received a Facebook message from a guy who has been a mutual friend of me and wife for couple of years. He said he and WW had been having an affair for past 18 months and she just broke it off the week prior. When I confronted her, she admitted to it and we decided that a separation was the best idea.
My WW was supposed to be staying with a girlfriend during this time and basically went lights out for over 3 weeks. She would stop by for a few minutes every couple of days and occasionally call but for the most part I didn't hear from her. In early April, I she said we needed to talk so we met and she told me she had been seeing a new guy and had fallen in love and was moving in with him. This was a guy she had only met a few weeks earlier and had talked about to me before as a "friend" and a "big brother". She met him while still seeing the other guy and apparently the friendship developed into more. Neither of these guys is anything like me. The first guy was a jobless bum and looked like a hippy with long hair and had drug problems. The current guy is a member of a motorcycle club, long hair, go-tee, the typical biker look. He's making a whopping $10/hour at 48 years old. His place and where she is currently living is a double-wide trailer in some crappy little park, which was barely even furnished when she moved in. She has been buying used stuff to stock it up.
So fast forward a few months. Current situation is that she has been moved out since basically early March, the 4 kids all stay with me. Nobody has filed for D yet. Wife is supposed to take kids every Mon, Wed, and Fri, with the option for them to spend the night if they want. None of them ever do, except my youngest who has stayed maybe 5 or 6 times total. My 2 special needs boys rarely even go over. The other 2 will go and have dinner, visit for 3-4 hours and come home. I consulted with an attorney in April and after going through some custody situations, came up with a good idea of what I could expect to pay in child and spousal support after D. Based on that, I agreed to give my WW $900/month, which is a little less than where I will likely end up after filing. I have been doing that every month since May, hoping it would help with kids meals, keep her friendly, and foolishly hoping maybe she would snap out of her fog.
Obviously, the situation hasn't improved at all. And to make things worse, I got laid off from my job in mid June and currently unemployed. I did receive several weeks of severance pay so am temporarily making ends meet but I'm getting very nervous about money. Now in spite of all that has happened, I really do still love my WW and am hoping somehow we can still make the M work. So my question is: am I an idiot for giving her any financial support? She has become accustomed to it and will have a very hard time w/o my help. My family all says cut her off, as I'm under no legal obligation to do anything until one of us files for D and a temp court order for support is issued. If I don't give her money I know she's going to go nuts on me, possibly file herself. I don't know how to handle it. And would I be wise to go ahead and file myself or make her get an attorney and do it, if she's so determined?
After weeks of ups and downs, doing the pick-me dance, trying to be friends and hang out, etc I have finally settled into a bare min contact mode the past week and only discuss kids and money, text only. No calls or visits. Any suggestions appreciated.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the reply Cadet. Already have an update. WW texted me today wanting more financial help. I've been giving her money every month since we separated but just can't continue to do so, without risking well being of myself and the kids. I'm unemployed and down to a few weeks of remaining severance pay. Not to mention, the kids never spend an overnight with her and she barely sees the 2 special needs kids at all. The other 2 go over for dinner and spend 3-4 hours 2 or 3 times every week. Hardly what I would call a 50-50 custody arrangement. So I cut her off and said there won't be another dime without a court order. She obviously wasn't happy. I am meeting with my own attorney this week just to fill him in and get advice but don't plan on filing just yet. No idea what WW plans on doing next but I doubt she can even come up with money to hire an attorney.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
So I was really mad yesterday after the big phone conversation and almost convinced myself I wanted a D. Slept pretty well and woke up feeling not nearly as angry. Now thinking I still want to save my M and knowing I've got a mountain of work and time ahead. Hoping for some other replies soon. I've ordered the DR book and plan on reading that as soon as it arrives.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hang in there, I will say a prayer for your situation to get better for you and your family!
Our Father God of compassion, You sent Jesus to proclaim a time of mercy reaching out to those who had no voice, releasing those trapped by their own shame, and welcoming those scorned by society.
Make us ambassadors of reconciliation. Open our ears that we may listen with respect and understanding. Touch our lips that we may speak your words of peace and forgiveness. Warm our hearts that we may bring wholeness to the broken-hearted and dissolve the barriers of division.
Guide the work of your Church and renew us with the Spirit of your love. Help us and all people shape a world where all will have a place, where the flames of hatred are quenched, and where all can grow together as one.
Forgive, restore and strengthen us through our Lord Jesus Christ. amen.
Hey dwh. Sorry you are here my friend. Start with reading sandi2's posts on the WW mindset. And don't be scared of your W. You do what's right for you so as long as the kids are ok and with you I'd keep a hold of my own money. After all you're just enabling.
Peace
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
You have come to a good place. Definitely get the books as they will help you u understand the process better. I feel for you and your children. My WW is an autism specialist and we own a business together. It is hard on a family to have special needs children . It certainly adds a complexity to the situation. You certainly should get advice from your lawyer. No need in having your folks play lawyer when you already pay for one. Keep posting and people will come.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I'm unemployed and down to a few weeks of remaining severance pay. Not to mention, the kids never spend an overnight with her and she barely sees the 2 special needs kids at all. The other 2 go over for dinner and spend 3-4 hours 2 or 3 times every week.
If the kids live with you, why are you paying her child support? I hope you have a shark lawyer, b/c your WW will try to wipe you out. Savings & checking accounts, pension, property, credit cards, etc., better be protected.......immediately!
Also, you need a lawyer who will really FIGHT for your rights as a father. She abandoned her children, two which are special needs.......surely to goodness the court would take that into consideration. Just do whatever it takes to protect yourself and those kids.
You really cannot afford to give her the benefit of doubt on any subject....in any area, now. This is not the girl your married, and she is not your friend. The longer you cushion her lifestyle, the longer she will be wayward while she and OM live on your dollar.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
