So, the house is being cleaned out of everyone's stuff. I'm being pretty ruthless. If it has been in my basement for years and they have not bothered to get their stuff it is going in the trash.
I am truly loving this, take care that valuables are secured, otherwise go girl.
I will get his house fixed up and ready to sell. I have some equity that will help me start a new life.
[color:#6600CC]Even better, keep up the momentum. Diana I want for you that you do not restart the cycle in a new place and at a new time. I am going to ask you a tough question " do you think that by hanging on to other people's stuff and taking on their burdens that you are trying to hang on to them? Do you sense that if you don't you may loose them, their affection or love? Would you feel abandoned.?
As you declutter and clear are you sensing that you are resisting, slowing down, rationalising? I say this because recently I cleared my WH and his hoard from my home and by doing so I felt initially abandoned and then as I recognised it, worked through my fear, exhilarated. I even sped up the process because I wanted it finished, I hired a storage unit and put his stuff in it. I think this is what I recognised in your story, the burden of 'stuff' and nonsense.
V,
All the house stuff was mainly logistics. I was out of the house 50-60 hours a week working a physically demanding job. When I was younger I could go home and do more work every night and keep the house somewhat clutter free. Over the last 5-10 years my energy became less and less, coupled with my illness and chronic fatigue and probably depression I just physically couldn't clean out the basement. Whatever little time I had at home I could barely move. I have been on sick leave since March. This is the most time I have had off from work in over 20 years. I still struggle physically to do he clearing, but do manage to do something every day. Yes it is freeing seeing all the clutter go away. Fend Shui at its best. Lol I do have to admit that I have hoarding tendencies. Come by them naturally, as my mom keeps everything. I am getting so much better letting things go. They are only things.
I will have to get back to he rest of the replies later. Need to go get some food for the animals.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
My illness (Scleroderma): It is my burden. I educate myself about treatments and tests. I do have an uphill battle ahead of me with my work's disability department.
I felt I needed to research your illness, which is why it has taken me a little time to reply to you, I have a little more to ponder on. I am not one of those people who believes that our physiology completely determines our psychology but more that some illness affects our state of being, our wellness. There is much I need to think about and I will reflect further before I have 'foot in mouth syndrome'. If it's ok, then I will seek some more answers before responding.
They want me to go back to work. I know that I will never be able to do the work I did for 17 years without crippling myself.
At this point please don't prejudge that doing X will definitely cause Y. In this case 'crippling' , when your life burdens are lightened then a great deal of restrictions will be gone. In due course can we discuss if the monkey on the back also applies in your work environment?
I will fight them and already have the number of a top notch lawyer that has taken on my employer before. Btw...I built cars for a living for one of the top import car manufacturers. The days of installing tires, front windshields, dashboards are over for me.
I will in due course refer you to a TED talk, but I am not quite ready to make my case, this is because my thoughts are still a little jumbled. The young man giving the TED tallk was blinded by a firework whilst very young, his employer permitted him to employ a 'pair of eyes' paid for out of his salary. This strategy would be a 'pair of arms' for you.
It [censored], since I was only 10 years away from retiring with a full pension.
Clearly your employer wants you to stay as you are so gifted. Think of this time as a sojourn. A break for the time being, some bridges once burned can't be unturned. I sense you haven't decided on a course yet so makes sense to me your strategy here of deferral of a decision.
But if I stay for 10 more years I will be crippled or dead.
I am concerned very deeply by these thoughts, in case they are a belief. In which case whether you work or not, this may cause self sabotage. I think it's important to rethink this one, and I would dearly love you to discuss this train of thought with an IC in case you are railroading yourself into a corner you can't get out of easily. Our subconscious can bring about our deepest fears, it thinks it's providing a service to us, I would dearly love you to have life and wellness affirming beliefs. This may be connected to the clearing that is going on in your life and replacing tangible burdens and thoughts about those with hearth burdens instead, my only pause on this is that the illness seems to have triggered some physical cleanse in your environment. But I think this might be worth IC Perhaps your MC might add an extra half hour here and there as IC?. I sense it's important for you.
[color:#3366FF]V, On to the next few paragraphs: All of these pretty much have to do with my illness and well-being. I can not do my job anymore. Physically it is impossible.building cars is a young man's game not a middle aged woman's. I am just a number at my company. One of 1000's. I never liked my job and it made me miserable. I was there for the money, benefits and job security. I needed that to take care of everyone else. Now that soon enough it will only be me and a few of my animals I don't need nor want to put myself through hell doing something I hate and that physically hurts me. I really am not exaggerating hat if I stay I will be crippled or die. I have watched many of my older co-workers be targeted into quitting, getting fired or dying by management. At this point for my health and well being I have to figure out a way to extricate myself with the least amount of financial damage. Treading lightly, making sure all my medical papers are properly filled out and yes having legal backing when management tries to bully me. Being diagnosed with my illness and then having H walk out on me were proverbial 2x4 that I could not continue on the life path that I was on. Yes, more time with an IC to discuss this further would probably be a good idea.[/color]
Last edited by Diana45; 07/28/1506:32 PM.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
You should see my early attempts. Wonka gave me a quick lesson, several times in it.
There are a couple of things to know that will help:
Put the text between the two boxes
[color 0000xx] Text Text Text...[/color]
If you click on the colour you want then type the whole of the text between the boxes keep going until you have finished with the colour. The colour continues until the next box. Anything not between the two boxes will be in black automatically.
Black texts doesn't need the two boxes. If you want color in an already typed post the before and after add the colour and delete the boxes you dont want in front and behind leaving only the two you need.
All closure boxes have a / in them which is effectively a cease command.
------------------------- And you have 10 minutes to edit. An emergency tactic on the ipad is to put your finger in the reply box and then select copy all. You can then delete the whole post using the delete button on the bottom right after you edit and start over by using paste into a new box. I often have trouble on my ipad as Submit and Preview are close together. --------------------- Quoting is useful too but it means deleting the text you want and there is no undo button anywhere.
If all else fails copy the post to an app on your ipad and beg Cadet to delete the messy post. Cadet will confirm my ineptitude in posting.
now where is my rubber?
damn doesn't work.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/1509:24 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Indeed they are, but are they really your burdens? Or are they those you have taken on? Can we ask why Diana chooses to take others burdens? Is she afraid others will say "Diana is very mean, she won't take on my burden?" Or it because Diana needs those burdens to feel wanted and loved?
Oh yes, I did need those burdens to feel loved and wanted. I lived my life thinking that my happiness hinged on what I could do and provide for others. I'm not completely over that mind set, but again feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I could probably just keep everything the way it is (house, children, animals) minus the H, but it wouldn't make me happy. Selling this house and finding a new career are purely selfish acts for me, but that is exactly what I need to do. Everyone else will just have to learn to deal with it. ----------------------------
Diana I like this very much but I do not see following your own path as selfish quite the reverse. There is a difference between being self centred and selfish. I think you may be confusing the two. Looking after you (like the farm machinery) isn't selfish, its looking after what ultimately is able to be independent and strong. Your happiness is your responsibility. You are entering a phase of great personal change because you want to do so. That is excellent.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/1509:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My animals: Tough one!!! The Guineas have been re-homed to a wonderful young lady. She takes great care of them and sends me pictures once in a while. Funny thing is that I know her grandfather and have him on FB. She and her mom added me and I can keep up with what the Guinea boys are doing through there. My H, whose Guineas they were in the first place does not even ask about them. Kinda sad! My dog, I have had her for almost 11 years, since she was 8 weeks old. I want to keep her with me, but am accepting the fact that she might be better off living at my moms instead of an apartment with me. My dogs sister lived there until Christmas when she passed away. She has spent quite a bit of time having sleep-overs at Grandmas house. My mom also thinks it would be a good idea. My oldest cat has to come with me. She is a loner and very attached to me as I am attached to her. My problem kitty belongs to my son. He brought home the cat 6 years ago, but didn't take him with him when he left the house 2 years ago. I did make my son pay for all his vet bills throughout the years. My son and I are at odds right now, because I would not let him, his GF and her son flop at my house anymore. My son couch surfs between his GF's house, his buddy's and my moms house. He will not take responsibility for his cat, but my mom has agreed to take him. She has 13 acres and he would have the life of a pampered indoor/ outdoor cat. That leaves 3 more cats. One is my momma cat that a friend of my sons left behind when he lived at my house and then moved without her. My daughter has bonded with her and she will take care of her. That leaves my two boys. I still call them kittens, even tough hey are almost 5 years old and huge. They are absolute sweethearts and both very loving and clean. I have had them since the day they were born. I don't want to part with them. I have thought about re-homing them with a healthy incentive to whomever takes them and a clause that they have to give updates and give them back to me if they can't keep them. Still not sure about what to do there.
I believe you should do what is best for the animals concerned whilst freeing yourself as much as possible.
My stuff: I couldn't care less about my furniture or belongings. I just want to take the basics. Couch, coffee table, beds, a dresser each, the TV's (2), the computers. I have my collection of lady bugs in 2 boxes already. My D and I have pared down our clothes to maybe a quarter of what we had before. We are trying to sell as much as we can (clothes and furniture) and are giving away/donating/trashing what we can't.
I am really liking this. One of the big contentions between myself and WH was the amount of 'stuff' WH had, in cupboards, on shelves, in drawers etc. including clothes. WH had 140 pairs of men's underpants, all the same type. WTF? And 230 pairs of socks. Many of them old and threadbare. As WH stuff grew so the space for me diminished and I felt diminished. The more I cleared the more WH stored. I am not short on stuff either but I don't keep broken items or have threadbare socks or worn out shoes. In fact I have a couple of funny stories about disposal of old items, and the look of surprise on the recyclers face when I unloaded. He actually asked me if I cleared houses for a living!
I am wondering if this might be a factor for your WAH, is there room for me? Again I may be projecting for him. If you like my position was more like your WAH position on stuff. Do you think you might be a hoarder, but in this case hoarding others burdens and stuff more than your own? If so is this compulsive, could it emerge again? Is there strategies and management you can do to stop it if that is the case? Another question for IC I think.
My vehicles: One car I will keep. One car goes back at the end of October to the lease company. The motorcycle I am selling in the next few weeks. As much as I would like to keep it, I need the money and I don't want to worry about moving it in the fall when I move. I can always buy another one next spring.
Stay lean and mean! It's your livihood (vehicle refurb) too, so you could get great joy in this choice next spring if you choose.
My future: I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do for the rest of my working career. I try not to dwell on it too much. I have asked the universe to guide me. I am leaning towards something to do with animals. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would open an animal sanctuary. I will do research and see what kind of courses are available in animal care.
It is going to be exciting to see this unfold. You are clearly a talented lady. I will enjoy discussing this.
My H: He is no longer my burden. He has to take care of himself.
I think so.
Ok, now this a long post. I have to wrap it up since I promised my brother I would check in on his dogs while he is at work.
I feel this illustrates my earlier point!
[color:#CC33CC][/color] Ok V, Now to the last few paragraphs of your post.
My animals, I will always try to do what is best for them, no matter what. There are a few options I have and I will continue to consider all of them.
My stuff. I will take as little as possible with me. That should make things fairly easy to move around. Don't really care much about material possessions anymore. I even stopped shopping for anything but necessities. I see now clearing out so much that "things" really don't make me happy.
My vehicles: I really only need my car. The motorcycle is a want and I will cross that bridge next year.
My husband: He is moving next week. He has accepted a job offer and will be gone. I have no intention in helping him with anything. Right now I'm a bit angry because everything is moving so fast. Working hard on letting it go. If he wants to stay in touch he will have to do that. I'm going to continue working on my house and getting a life without him. We do have one MC session scheduled tomorrow, after that I think that will stop completely.
One little side note. My brother helped me raise my children when I was a single mother working shift work. I help him when I can. My mom lives with him and usually looks after the dogs. She is overseas right now looking after my niece. When she comes back it really won't be an issue anymore. He also looks after my animals when I'm away.
So there you have it V. Really not much about my H in there. Really more about me getting my life together. I still love him, just really don't know if I ever want to live with him again. He is a downer that dragged me down with him. If and only if he grows up, becomes self sufficient and happier with himself could I ever entertain the notion of having a M with him again. As it stands right now we don't have a M. We "date" and I don't think that is enough for me. [i][/i]
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Diana, this is true but you chose this. It is a choice I have made too on occasion and on occasion not. There are two thoughts here, firstly this isn't a black and white thing entirely. You may not be paid in financial terms but you can be paid in other ways, by others gardening, reciprocating, sharing, helping and giving you company etc. that is valid when others temporarily don't have the resources or have difficult circumstances, it's called being a Christian or a Good Samaritan. When others do have the resources and they don't contribute then we are taking from them their personal power and at the same time either relinquishing control or giving them control. This isn't useful to either party. I have a friend whose 42 year old son lives in her house and he behaves like a 15 year old, she calls him 'my baby boy'.
I gladly provided the financial means to keep this house for everyone. Yes, it would have been nice if the people that lived in this house would have picked up the slack for everything else. The maintenance, the gardening, the snow shovelling, etc. However, no one ever did. I still had to do 99% of the housework, yard work, vehicle maintenance, etc. It made me feel used! Since this seems to be an ongoing trend over the last 15 years, including not just my H and children, but various other people (x-h, x-sil, x-mil, various friends of my sons that lived with us) I have had to examine my role in it. I don't know if I put out the vibe "walk all over me", but whenever I have enforced boundaries people left. I guess I have some abandonment issues about that as well.
Often when you reinforce your boundaries people will leave. They don't like change. Keep doing it and those who are truly invested in your happiness will return to you. The desire to connect and please others is a very strong desire. You might wish to invest in Codependent No More, a very important book for understanding co dependency. I personally like Co-dependency for Dummies as it writes and outlines in the simplest way. Amazon will have reviews of both books for you.
v
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, On to the next few paragraphs: All of these pretty much have to do with my illness and well-being. I can not do my job anymore. Physically it is impossible. building cars is a young man's game not a middle aged woman's. I am just a number at my company. One of 1000's. I never liked my job and it made me miserable. I was there for the money, benefits and job security. I needed that to take care of everyone else. Now that soon enough it will only be me and a few of my animals I don't need nor want to put myself through hell doing something I hate and that physically hurts me. I really am not exaggerating hat if I stay I will be crippled or die. I have watched many of my older co-workers be targeted into quitting, getting fired or dying by management. At this point for my health and well being I have to figure out a way to extricate myself with the least amount of financial damage. Treading lightly, making sure all my medical papers are properly filled out and yes having legal backing when management tries to bully me. Being diagnosed with my illness and then having H walk out on me were proverbial 2x4 that I could not continue on the life path that I was on. Yes, more time with an IC to discuss this further would probably be a good idea.
L and IC look to me to be important. Diana if you are unhappy at work then this needs to change. I can see you are committed to making this change.
My animals, I will always try to do what is best for them, no matter what. There are a few options I have and I will continue to consider all of them.
My stuff. I will take as little as possible with me. That should make things fairly easy to move around. Don't really care much about material possessions anymore. I even stopped shopping for anything but necessities. I see now clearing out so much that "things" really don't make me happy.
That is such an important insight Diana, although I believe much of the stuff belonged to others that you were care taking for them. In a strange way you take away another's power for themselves when you carry their burdens.
My husband: He is moving next week. He has accepted a job offer and will be gone.
I have no intention in helping him with anything. Right now I'm a bit angry because everything is moving so fast. Working hard on letting it go. If he wants to stay in touch he will have to do that. I'm going to continue working on my house and getting a life without him. We do have one MC session scheduled tomorrow, after that I think that will stop completely.
I am interested in hearing how the MC session goes. I think you have much to discuss especially as you undergoing so much change.
One little side note. My brother helped me raise my children when I was a single mother working shift work. I help him when I can. My mom lives with him and usually looks after the dogs. She is overseas right now looking after my niece. When she comes back it really won't be an issue anymore. He also looks after my animals when I'm away.
Sounds like carrying others burdens is a family trait? Do you see any roots there?
So there you have it V. Really not much about my H in there. Really more about me getting my life together. I still love him, just really don't know if I ever want to live with him again. He is a downer that dragged me down with him. If and only if he grows up, becomes self sufficient and happier with himself could I ever entertain the notion of having a M with him again. As it stands right now we don't have a M. We "date" and I don't think that is enough for me.
Diana, what do you want in your life partner? Has your H always been a 'downer' and why did he decide to make these changes? Are you intending to move near to him?
Diana DB is for you and to help you with your M. You are making many life changes and Dawn has validated those changes too.
This is excellent focus considering your circumstances, and its you that I am most interested in knowing via this board
-----------------------------
Please post after tomorrows MC
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have researched this a little, as I understand it no one knows why this rheumatoid disease arises but it may have a genetic component. Is any one else in your family presently diagnosed?
Has a type diagnosis been given to you? Some types of this autoimmune disease are made very much worse by stress it seems quite significantly so. Is this you, if so losing these burdens are important for your freedom and relief and from what I have read so far in reducing the progression from the Scleroderma.
You are Diana who has a limitation not Diana who is a victim of this, I am really liking your attitude on this Diana. More power to you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/1510:28 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
